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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should a 5 year old be allowed out alone?

376 replies

bigyellowtaxi · 25/05/2008 12:37

Am a regular but have namechanged...

Have I been unreasonable? Something happened this morning that I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about - and I'm not sure what to do next.
My DD was at a party this morning, and after, as we were driving away I saw one of her classmates (a boy, age 5) walking away from the party, he was probably 200 metres away from the party venue when I saw him. My first thought was that he had wondered away somehow without waiting for a parent to collect him, also he is new to the area so that increased my concern.
I stopped the car and got out to ask him if he was OK (he knows who I am), he said that he was, and that his mum had said it was OK for him to walk home alone. I asked him where he lived and he pointed to a nearby block of flats. So I watched him go in though the main front door, left and went home.

After I came home I was speaking to a friend, and she was horrified and thinks I should tell social work, if not them then the school, and if not the school then speak to the mum about it directly.

So my questions are:
Was I unreasonable to stop and speak to the boy - should I have maybe kept out of it? - I wasnt the first parent who had gone past him on the way home. Or was I unreasonable to have let him go from me? I half considered walking with him back to his front door.

Also what should I do now? My instinct is to do nothing. I think that it is unusual to let a 5 year old out in that way ( I have never seen any children that young out on there own before), but maybe not so unusual I should do anything about it. I think Social work would be a total overreaction, I'm not sure what it has to do with the school, and I cant see anything good coming out of a chat to the mother.

What would you have done? and what would you do now?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 25/05/2008 12:43

Could you have a word with his mum?

notjustmom · 25/05/2008 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonsEye · 25/05/2008 12:46

hmm, so his home was about 200 metres away with no roads to cross? Im not sure how i feel about it. I wouldnt do it myself (would just walk down to meet him) but not sure it's a case for SS...

lanismum · 25/05/2008 12:47

I would do nothing, def not unusual round here, a family a few houses down lets their 3 year old play out on his own, we live on a fairly busy road, with a very busy road at one end of our street, not something I would dream of doing, but his mum obviously believes he is safe, and probably wouldnt take to kindly to being told she was wrong.

LIZS · 25/05/2008 12:48

Would the parent have been able to look out for him from home? It is nothing to do with school and presumably the host's parent knew it was ok to let him go off. Unless it was a busy road he had to cross and you feel he was at risk you can't really judge. It may be perfectly normal for them. If you feel obliged to act then nonjustmom's approach soudns sensible.

bubblagirl · 25/05/2008 13:01

i remember as a kid being able to play up the road alone at about that age

i think its silly to envolve social workers he wa sin no ammediate danger and seemed aware to go straight home

could the mum have been ill and didnt want little boy to be dissapointed and as distance wasnt very far allowed him to still go

i know many children of that age who pop down the road alone to see friends

NotABanana · 25/05/2008 13:03

I suggest when you see the mum say

"I saw Johnny walking home from the party. Did he have a nice time? I hope you don't mind, but I stopped and asked if he was okay as he seemed on his own."

If she kicks off, walk away, if she thanks you then strike up a chat and see if she could use some support.

Not a school or SS issue. Yet.

Original poster
bigyellowtaxi · 25/05/2008 13:05

No roads to cross, parents would not have been able to see from thier window.
The boys family are new to the area, so maybe where they lived before it was more accepted to let children this age out alone.
I'm glad that none of you think I should be speaking to social work or the school, I would have felt very uncomfortable to do that.
Speaking to the boys mum would be difficult, she doesnt interact with anyone at the school, have tried in the past to catch her eye, as with her being new thought she might want to get to know some people.
Will maybe try saying Hello to her next week, and if it seems ok do as notjustmum suggested.

OP posts:
seeker · 25/05/2008 13:24

If there are no roads to cross and he seemed quite calm and happy with the situation I can't see the problem. I wish more people did this sort of thing.

Romy7 · 25/05/2008 13:34

hmmmm, we used to let dd1 walk home from her friend's house at this age, (about 100m round a corner), but her mum would ring and tell me when she was leaving and I would ring her back when she arrived... maybe this was happening and you didn't know about it? She's 8 now, and this is still as far as we go really...

FrannyandZooey · 25/05/2008 13:35

I am not 100% sure exactly how far 200 m is, but I am thinking it would take them about 3 mins? I think it is fine if he is a sensible child

I also think you did the right thing in stopping and checking
something could have been amiss and it was the responsible and kind thing to do IMO

now you have found out all was well, he was nearly safe home having walked a short distance alone, and his mother knew where he was, I think you can safely put it out of your mind

FluffyMummy123 · 25/05/2008 13:36

Message withdrawn

posieparker · 25/05/2008 13:42

I would at the very least tell the school they may know why the boy is new to the area (not that they would tell you) but if there's anything else to report they would know. In this day and age if more people reported unusual things with kids perhaps we wouldn't hear of abductions or children being starved to death. I'm guessing block of flats doesn't mean luxury appartment?

DragonsEye · 25/05/2008 13:45

PP - what difference would it make if it was a block of flats or luxury apartments??

muggglewump · 25/05/2008 13:47

It's hard to know without knowing where you live and knowing the area.
DD(6.9 but has been allowed out for a couple of years) regularly is 200 metresish away playing but in the direction she is there are no roads and I know most of the parents so someone is keeping an eye out.
In the other direction there are main roads and I don't know any parents so it's a no go.

Still though. I wouldn't say anything to anyone official, I'd just try befriending the Mum in the playground and then work it out from there as to whether she maybe needs support

posieparker · 25/05/2008 13:50

Usually the teens that hang around and range of children of different ages, sex and drug litter, gates to prevent just anybody walking in. Before everyone jumps on me saying that their block of flats isn't like that and you can't assume safety in luxury appartments etc, I would say I have visited both on a number of occasions and the risk of foul play or unwanted incidences is greater in a block of flats.

ipanemagirl · 25/05/2008 13:52

I think if it was that close and involved no road to cross, I guess that's ok. My siblings and I were completely free range when we were around that age but we did have each other sort of looking out for one another.

If it was that close though, and she was at home, why not heave herself off her tuckuss and collect the child?

Odd but I suspect I would not confront mother myself. Cowardly but I think that's tantamount to shouting 'bad parent' and nobody's allowed to say that any more are they????

DragonsEye · 25/05/2008 13:53

hmmm posie - sounds like dangerous sterotyping to me...

posieparker · 25/05/2008 13:56

Where would you rather live?
Besides some things, whether they sound nice or not, are just the way they are. Crime rates are higher in areas where there are many blocks of flats, social housing etc and they are nasty and indiscriminate, personal attacks and robbery, kids knived, drugs on the streets.

Mamazon · 25/05/2008 14:02

you were not unreasonable to stop and check on him.

no need to call ss yet as there would be little for them to get involved with unless there was more to this story.

I personally wouldn't have let a 5 year old leave the party without an adult. if he said it was ok i would have waled him home myself and then told the mother that i didn't think it safe for him to walk alone.

I guess the mother could have not realised it was quite as far as it was and if there were no roads to cross...

As for the whole block of flats comments.
well i grew up on a housing estate. i would have rather my children played on that estate than in the nice pretty street i live now.
on the estate everyone knew each other and the kids all played together and looked out for each other.

its not like that here

duchesse · 25/05/2008 14:03

Depends with a massive D. Depends on situation, level of maturity of 5 yr old, how street-smart they are, whether there are other children with them, etc... My 67 yr old neighbour can remember taking the bus into town and walking on to where her father worked or to school (several miles) aged 4.

In this situation, the little boy sounds perfectly competent, but if you start to see him out from first thing in the morning till dusk without going home for lunch, alarm bells would start ringing for me. Some people shove their very small children out all day without even toilet access or food.

duchesse · 25/05/2008 14:05

btw- perfectly sensible, reasonable and neighbourly of you to stop and ask him if everything was OK.

posieparker · 25/05/2008 14:06

Mamazon, I wouldn't imagine anything was the same as when you grew up. I don;t think the common good and sense of community is quite the same in a block of flats, not from experiences of people I know, anyway.

jingleyjen · 25/05/2008 14:08

I feel no to social services and the school.

You did what you felt was right by stopping, I would have done the same thing.

I don't think 200 m without crossing a main road is a lot. However, we live about 250 meter from our local shop and I can't see me letting DS walk there this time next year. but who knows..

Mamazon · 25/05/2008 14:10

i still have family on the same estate, and many many friends whom i grew up with still live there.
its precisely the same.

the people who have problems are the ones with a similar attitude to yours. they are afraid of people who live in social housing. they assume that they are all drug dealing crack whores who allow their children to wander the streets all day.

the ones that are born and bred on the estates get along well and have a much better community spirit than most of the "nice" area's i have lived.

the people who are on the estates know that it is their home and they aren't able to just move, so they make the most of where they are.

most crime on council estates and blocks of flats is caused by people who don\t actually live there.

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