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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should a 5 year old be allowed out alone?

376 replies

bigyellowtaxi · 25/05/2008 12:37

Am a regular but have namechanged...

Have I been unreasonable? Something happened this morning that I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about - and I'm not sure what to do next.
My DD was at a party this morning, and after, as we were driving away I saw one of her classmates (a boy, age 5) walking away from the party, he was probably 200 metres away from the party venue when I saw him. My first thought was that he had wondered away somehow without waiting for a parent to collect him, also he is new to the area so that increased my concern.
I stopped the car and got out to ask him if he was OK (he knows who I am), he said that he was, and that his mum had said it was OK for him to walk home alone. I asked him where he lived and he pointed to a nearby block of flats. So I watched him go in though the main front door, left and went home.

After I came home I was speaking to a friend, and she was horrified and thinks I should tell social work, if not them then the school, and if not the school then speak to the mum about it directly.

So my questions are:
Was I unreasonable to stop and speak to the boy - should I have maybe kept out of it? - I wasnt the first parent who had gone past him on the way home. Or was I unreasonable to have let him go from me? I half considered walking with him back to his front door.

Also what should I do now? My instinct is to do nothing. I think that it is unusual to let a 5 year old out in that way ( I have never seen any children that young out on there own before), but maybe not so unusual I should do anything about it. I think Social work would be a total overreaction, I'm not sure what it has to do with the school, and I cant see anything good coming out of a chat to the mother.

What would you have done? and what would you do now?

OP posts:
BarkyTheDog · 25/05/2008 18:19

Not to mention proper safe cycle routes.

MABS · 25/05/2008 18:21

Totally agree Barky, wish we did have public transport here I assure you. A bus comes past our village twice a day,that's it. The nearest train station is a 15min drive.

chenin · 25/05/2008 18:29

Mabs... I live in a village just like you. No shops, no buses..nothing but beautiful countryside.

You ask what would a child want to do without his mum? There is soooo much a child wants to do, and should do. My DD2, from the age of 10 or 11 had a little gang of friends in the village, all roughly the same age. They formed a 'secret' club and went off into the countryside for the afternoon, with cakes, crisps and squash. They took a picnic, built a 'house' in the woods, played games with sticks and generally mucked around. Sometimes they would be gone hours.

She is older now but still talks about the fantastic fun she had with her motley mix of village friends... that's what your 13yo should be doing. You cannot chaperone them forever... my DDs would have gone crazy if I had sat in the park or the woods with them, watching them! Little steps of independence are needed... after all your DD could be off to Uni in less than 5 years... it comes round sooo quickly and if a child hasn't had its independence, living away from home will be very stressful.

MABS · 25/05/2008 18:35

Helliebean - I assume your kids met these local friends at school? My dd is at her good friend's party today, a 40minute drive away! thats as local as it gets with her mates!

They do not know the few kids that are local as they are at a different school.

chenin · 25/05/2008 18:40

The village we live in is tiny so there are only about half a dozen kids the same sort of age. One was through school, but the others were just through the village... one was down to me chatting to a Mum at our summer Fun Day. The others just sort of tagged along really! My DD is not friendly with them at school, but I think there are advantages to small villages.. in that, you just have to get along with those of a similar age to you, cos there ain't anyone else (if that makes sense!)

chenin · 25/05/2008 18:43

Also meant to say... we have a small village primary school and my DDs didn't go to it.. so the friends she made were just village friends really!

MABS · 25/05/2008 18:48

I know what you mean Helliebean, i do love living in a small village tho.

conniedom · 25/05/2008 18:54

Mabs, why do they not know the local kids. Are afraid they locals might bite them?

AbbeyA · 25/05/2008 18:59

You can have friends who don't go to the same school!
Flying long haul alone hardly means on her own,she must have been driven to the airport , supervised and met.

MABS · 25/05/2008 19:17

Oh aren't you hilarious Connie...not. I have no doubt the local children are lovely, but we do not know them at all. Nor are there any kids activities etc locally for them to meet up.

Most of dd's friend are not at her school as a matter of fact Abbey, she met them thru sport,but they are still not local. The club she plays at is a 25 min drive from here.

By mentioning the flying, i was merely illustrating that she does not lead a sheltered narrow over protected life, she has travelled extensively, as has ds, and they have an appreciation of many different cultures..far more than many children of their age i would expect.

AbbeyA · 25/05/2008 19:23

You can travel extensively and still be sheltered and over protected.

conniedom · 25/05/2008 19:24

Touched a nerve did I Mabs.
It doesn't matter how many places your children have visited if they can't make friends with their neighbours, their world is to small. You have a moral obligation as a parent to allow them a degree of freedom at their age.

posieparker · 25/05/2008 19:32

'If they can't make friends with their neighbours?'
What rubbish, you have no idea what the village set up is or how the children could make friends with their neighbours.

conniedom · 25/05/2008 19:39

Posie, neither do you!
It doesn't matter if the nearest 13 yr old girl to Mabs' daughter is 2 miles away. Mabs; daughter should have the oppurtunity to make friends with the locals. I find it sad that Mabs' lass has been to Peru, but not in the local girls back garden. I realise that sounds chippy and caustic, but, how the heck is this young lass supposed to have any form of independant life unless Mabs lets her go.

SNoraWotzThat · 25/05/2008 19:41

conniedom new name?

LittleBella · 25/05/2008 19:42

It does seem strange to live in a village and not know any of the local kids.

Not like the Archers at all.

conniedom · 25/05/2008 19:43

Yes a new name, I have been a poster since 2005. I change my name regularly ... would you like a list of the names I have used lately?

SNoraWotzThat · 25/05/2008 19:47

To be fair to MABS I know many rural places like this. One of my mates lives/works on a dairy farm and there are NO locals to bite or not to bite!

The farm exits onto a very busy road that has warning signs to deter drivers by putting how may accidents were on it in the last 3 years.

Her dcs can walk and walk and still see no local children. Can I just add that they are the happiest carefree children I know.

MABS · 25/05/2008 19:56

Thankyou for yr support some of you.

Connie - No i assure you, you touched no nerves at all. I am totally confident in the way i bring up my children and what they are/aren't exposed to.

I am fascinated that you seem to think my dd has to have friends that are local. i assure you she has a wide friendship circle and is extremely popular.

are you suggesting that i drag her away from her current friend or tennis/hockey match to go to our nearest neighbour, more than 2 miles i assure you, knock on the door and ask if they have kids just so mine can meet them?! Why in hell would i ever do that? She has plenty of mates already from lots of areas and different schools, she doesn't need more.

AbbeyA · 25/05/2008 20:02

I always think it strange when people say they have enough friends and don't need more.

LittleBella · 25/05/2008 20:04

Everyone always needs more friends.

You mislay lots of them along the way...

AbbeyA · 25/05/2008 20:08

I think it is unfriendly for anyone to say they have enough friends thank you very much-there is always room for more! If someone moves in new to an area, school or organisation they don't stand a chance with that attitude!

conniedom · 25/05/2008 20:10

Mabs, is your daughter allowed to do anything with out you being there? I too have a 13 year old daughter, we live in the South, we also live in the middle of no where. She is allowed, more freedom than your daughter.
We will just have to agree to disagree, but I think you need to give your lass more freedom, or else one of you is going to feel constricted, one of you is going to regret it.

Divastrop · 25/05/2008 20:23

i would like to dump some of the 'local' kids round here in a rural area with no neighbours.

MABS · 25/05/2008 20:24

What i keep saying is that i drive her to do things, i do not stay to watch over her all the time, but you all seem to ignore that. No idea why being in south is relevant to anything Connie, you know i am there also from my previous posts.

You are all hilarious saying that i sound unfriendly saying i don't want more friends. I didn't say that referring to me at all, i assure you i'm a very sociable person as many on mumsnet know me well and will vouch for it.

I said, at the moment, dd doesn't need to be driven to a distant neighbour to make new ones. She has quite a large enough circle at the moment, she is busy enough.