To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

This is partly on you for not checking (esp. after the starter - couldn't you smell lamb cooking? And how did NO ONE mention that lamb was the main?) and partly on the restaurant for being difficult - I'd perhaps raise a complaint with them, rather than your relatives.

I would have gone downstairs to eat and if questioned why you were going downstairs said "because some thoughtless person specified two menu options that I cannot eat". And got either your in laws or "D"H to pay for the additional meal (if it cost extra).

Far ruder of them to choose a shit, inflexible restaurant without a choice of food and to expect people to travel long distance to it.

Not wanting to "make a fuss" to the point that you allowed yourself to go hungry? You need to work on boundaries and assertiveness.

Also you could have ordered downstairs and carried the plate back upstairs to eat when it arrived. I mean obviously you shouldn't have to - and I'd certainly leave a critical review of the restaurant - it's literally their job to carry food to a table. But it would have got you some food you wanted to eat.

It was poor of them not to remember your salmon allergy. That’s more important than remembering that you don’t like lamb.

I’m vegetarian but cook meat for DH and we both feel the same about lamb, the smell of the fat released from cooking is pervasive and sickening.

I think the restaurant was most at fault.
How hard would it have been for them to bring a single plate up for you that was off menu? Especially as I bet your ILs paid through the nose for a private party set up.

have you not RTFT? She did enquire and was told she would have to leave the table and order and eat downstairs because the function romm is catered from a separate smaller kitchen.

I know the type of set up you mean, there isn't any wiggle room, unless you can get a staff member in the kitchen quickly to not put gravy on a portion of veg. But usually the meals will be plated on the hot plate and gravy on all, before the wait staff are bringing them out.
Any family meal like this has had a WA/menu/email put round, for people to choose from the set menu. They need the order in about a week in advance. That's how smaller, independent, places work. Your DH needs to pull his parents over this. They either cater for you, or you all don't go.

I think salmon and lamb are quite bold choices for a set menu. I loved the duck when I tasted for our wedding but I knew that realistically there would be people who didn't enjoy it so went for chicken instead. However you should have opened your mouth and asked for an alternative OP. It's pretty poor planning of the host not to let you all know what the set menu was or check any allergies/preferences but I'm not getting the feeling that there was any malice involved.

They could at least have let you know / shared the menu beforehand…
Surely you weren’t the only one amongst 20 guests for whom that menu was less than ideal?

I'll be honest, I don't agree - if there is anything regularly eaten by your average person, especially that you cannot/will not eat "to be polite', I think that does mean you're fussy. I have eaten turkey a few times over the years to be polite - I find it utterly revolting, but I wont leave it if it is on the plate and has been provided by a family member or friend. I just hide each mouthful with something else and get through it that way.

The salmon is a completely different matter - I am referring much more to the lamb.

It sounds as though the menu was a "surprise" and once the Op was there, it was too late to do anything (function room catered from a different smaller kitchen) I think as a one off I'd have done what the Op did but if invited out with then again, I'd have said words to the effect that you can't eat salmon or lamb and so if thats the only menu, you will bow out. its not so bad if its a side that's the issue as you can just refuse it or leave it on the plate if not allergic. personally I think that the smell of cooked lamb is nauseating.

I did enquire about ordering a separate meal from the restaurant and whilst this was fine, I was told I would have to order it downstairs and be seated in the main restaurant

Really? Staff said you would have to leave the room or do without? They couldn’t even bring veg without gravy?

I’ve been to events were due to an error or oversight an allergy or dietary requirement has been missed. IME staff will bend over backwards to bring something in that situation, even if its very limited. I’ve never experienced “no you must have meat gravy on veg or starve” or been told to go elsewhere ito eat response to being unable to eat one of the courses.

Where is this gem of a restaurant?

Yeah well I disagree with you.
Not liking one thing is not being picky!
I know about picky eaters and Op isn’t one of them.
Hark at you being all self righteous about what YOU would do.
Turkey is a bit different to lamb. Turkey is one of those non offensive meats. It’s not my favourite but I would eat it. I also happen to like lamb, but know loads of people who don’t like it because of the fattiness.

Did the ILs notice that you didn’t eat your starter or main OP?

As someone who cannot eat cooked cabbage I am going to disagree. I prefer the term "selective eater" as i think "fussy" is pejorative and intended to be.

Agree with this, but I understand why OP didn’t.

I wouldn’t have said anything and not do much else for her in-laws because from what she says about their attitudes, doubt this is the first time they have been thoughtless towards her.

It’s the son’s wife, mother of the granddaughter. If they can be bothered to remember one relative’s peanut allergy, surely they can remember a salmon allergy.

Also, what are the chances, the set menu would be two foods OP doesn’t eat?

Salmon and lamb are not standard foods to have together for a set menu.

Not the point, I know, but I’ve never heard of vegetables coming to the table already smothered with gravy! Unless it was all plated up - something which IMO should be banned everywhere except perhaps for at home, when you know how much immediate family will want.

That’s bad form from everyone !
I always book and warn in advance if family members food allergy’s or preferences are not the norm !
what’s the point of inviting u ? U can’t have enjoyed yourself !
maybe they just don’t care so their selfish !

If you are saying you don't believe the OP then either come straight out with it or report the thread.

she did. she asked if she could order something else and was told if she wanted to, she'd need to sit downstairs in the main restaurant.

And given that she sounds thoughtful, decided to just let her family eat hers and be gracious.

I am one of those people who will eat almost anything, but I have a variety of friends with various allrgies or dislikes. When they are going out for a meal they gerally ask what the menu will be, or if it is online they look before going. Did it not occur to you to ask them what the menu would be for the meal?

Ah, my brain managed to filter that bit out. In that case it’s even more rubbish of inlaws.

Did they notice that you weren't eating? And if so, how did they react?

I would definitely be wanting your husband to have a word and let them know how this has made you feel

I don't think I could manage to remember and accommodate every single allergy or preference for 20 people either honestly. They should have asked about allergies if they weren't sure, but the lamb is just one of those things. I'm sure there were bits of the menu that weren't other people's favourites too.

I’m asking where the restaurant because I’ve literally never heard of a situation like this at a catered event and yes, I want to know where there are places which think this is decent service.

Is that OK with you Monitor?

why? if a restaurant you are interested in using did this then surely you would be told when you contact them.

Because its a discussion thread on a discussion forum? I’m also not the only one to be querying this so its obviously not just me interested.

HTH, HAND