To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

Why don't you read the OP properly. The whole of the lamb dinner, potatoes and veg, was saturated in rich lamb gravy. Picking tomatoes off a plate is not the same thing. The OP says lamb is one of the very few things she can't eat. And you think that's entitled?

Honestly it sounds like school dinners when I was a child in the 1960s where there were no choices and they put gravy on everything and you had to clear your plate. It was an ordeal every lunchtime.

Same.

I don't like lamb, but could've eaten it at a push and could definitely have picked around it. But if you served me up eggs or squid for example, I'd be gagging and not able to pick at the meal either.

It's a good point actually, I've never come across a roast dinner served with the gravy already on it.

Why could t you have had a discreet word with staff and asked for just the vegetables or if you could pay separately for an alternative?

Also, why would you not ask what is the menu for the set meal before you attended?

Im a vegetarian and if I’m invited to any meal I always find out what is going to be served before I attend.

OP, your IL's are inconsiderate and you are not at all a fussy eater, surprised at those who think you are. I'd be very annoyed with them. Salmon is disgusting and not good for you given how much is farmed and the fact that they regularly escape into the sea and contaminate wild sealife.

She’s not picky though.
She’s only mentioned 2 things she can’t eat, and one of those is because it brings her out in a rash.
We’re all allowed a few things we don’t like to eat.
Picky/fussy is where there are loads of food you won’t eat and it becomes a bit of a problem.

Everything smothered in gravy?
What a mess.

To answer a few questions, the starter was fairly small and my husband simply ate mine as well as his own. I didn't mind him doing this as I hate to see food wasted and thought I would simply fill up on the main course when it came.
My daughter was also with us and she and my husband helped themselves to some of my main course, so I wasn't sitting there with untouched plates.
The private kitchen was much smaller than the main restaurant kitchen and geared to preparing and serving only what had been pre-ordered. This was to avoid having to carry meals from the main kitchen upstairs and to ensure that everyone was served their food hot and at the same time.
Once I realised that I couldn't eat the main either, I did enquire about ordering a separate meal from the restaurant and whilst this was fine, I was told I would have to order it downstairs and be seated in the main restaurant. I didn't want to make a big fuss in front of everyone given that this was a special occasion and starting an argument about it was not really an option.
I do get on with my in-laws, but they are old school. They very much want - and get - their own way in most things and are unwilling to compromise.
I don't think they were being nasty, just thoughtless.

It is such an odd combination, salmon and lamb.

I’d have sent it back and asked for no gravy on my vegetables or on the side. If it would have been considered rude, I don’t care.

Yeah I would have been annoyed at their thoughtlessness but I would have been a bit more. Proactive and assertive at sorting myself out with an alternative and told the staff of my allergies and asked for a veggie option. I can’t imagine any restaurant not trying to sort you out. You just needed to be more assertive

Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.

But your DH didn't think it was rude of them to have ordered a set menu with the only two things they know you can't eat? And he was happy to let you sit there not eating anything? They were all happy to let you sit there not eating anything after you'd travelled 200 miles to attend? What a bunch of arseholes.

@NeedyOpalSquid

She doesn’t like lamb that’s the issue!

Would you say the same to a vegetarian ?

Are they often thoughtless towards you?

They were able to remember a relative’s allergy but not yours. Seafood allergies are a well known allergy.

Who organises a meal for a group and doesn’t check allergies etc? And loads of people don’t like lamb either - surely if having a set menu you check first?! Just bloody rude not to - and a waste of money paying for people who don’t eat things and aren’t enjoying it. I’d probably have asked for more veg if they had it, and maybe some bread to fill up on. I would defo be getting my DH to say something to them too - unless they don’t like you, in which case don’t go for a meal with them again!

Rude and thoughtless of them to not take you into consideration and to not offer an alternative in advance for anyone who was veggie/allergic or whatever. In my experience smoked salmon and lamb are two of the most commonly disliked foods. I love both but I know loads of people who would struggle with one or both of those.

I'd have quietly asked the staff to bring you a separate plate of the potatoes and veg with no gravy and as it was a restaurant, any other meat like chicken if they could do that at such short notice. The same with the starter. 'So sorry but my PILs must have forgotten I am allergic to salmon. Do you have anything from your main menu you could chuck my way?'

Really no need to have starved in silence. Do your PILs hate you? Do you hate them? Is there a reason they might have served the only two foods on the planet you don't eat?

When ever I find out about a meal (coeliac and a religious restriction) I phone up host and remind them, then I phone up venue. Did you do that? If you have a food allergy you 100% cannot assume that people have your restrictions in mind.

I would have tried to at least order something else rather than being sat there. I’m sure they would have presented you with a menu. Time to be proactive.

Did you not advise them or your allergies when you accepted the invite? They did offer a choice-eat it of don't!
They were paying I presume in which case they can choose what they want and I think it's on you if you don't like it, they cant be catering to 20 people's preferences. Allergies are different but I am sure that smoked salmon is very clearly salmon and you would be smart enough not to eat it.

They sound really rude and very poor hosts - how arrogant to assume thry know all their invitees' dining preferences and allegies without asking! Sounds like it wouldn't have cost them a penny more to have just given the 2 options of vegetarian or meat/fish. Lots of meat eaters might dislike salmon or lamb.

as pp said at that point I wouldn't have cared about looking rude to them -I would have gone downstairs for a meal and tbh think dh and dd should have joined you as soon as they'd finished theirs (as yours probably wouldn't have come out the exact same time).

Dh really should have stood up for you and said something to his parents.

The restaurant sounds a bit crap as well though - really how hard would it have been to bring one extra plate up from the main restaurant when it was ready? Although I appreciate from their POV they had given everyone the opportunity to choose an alternative, its not their fault your in laws didn't pass the message on!

This!

I hope your DH does all the organising of phone calls, visits, cards and gifts for birthdays & Christmas for his parents - if not, tell him to start now.

Yes they were BU. But equally, why did you not say anything / ask the restaurant and explain the situation and see if there was anything they could do? Presumably you are a grown adult with the capacity to, don’t just sit there like a martyr at least have a conversation with a member of staff to try to address it at the time.

Really?

I don’t eat meat on moral/ethical grounds so I’d have been fuming

i don’t and can’t eat. If I don’t go to restaurants etc with my family. I wouldn’t see them. Just have to suck it up.

YABU for not enquiring yourself what the set menu actually was.

If I was invited to a meal and was told it was a set menu I would be asking to see it so I could check for myself it contained anything unsuitable.

If like you I was A) allergic and B) had a huge dislike of something I would simply ask for the vegetarian/vegan option.

It is not other people’s responsibility to check everything for you.