To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

First time I went to my in-laws new house they served up Lamb, mashed potatoes, carrots and peas - which are about the only things I don't eat! They obviously had no idea. I love my food and eat a lot of things others don't but these are on top of my 'no go' zone for taste, texture. I eat raw carrots and peas in the pod and any other kind of potato.
I wouldn't take it personally OP. They probably got a good deal for a big booking with a no choice set menu, which is less faff. In hindsight, you could have ordered something else or spoken to staff. I'm sure 1 person asking for an alternative wouldn't have caused nightmares in the kitchen.

Ah for goodness sake, I stand by my first post.

my granny would have said you have a good Scot’s tongue in your heid, use it.

oh goodness MIl, we have travelled all this way and you have forgotten I can’t eat this, how silly. Are you ok? I shall sort something else. How is everyone. Ok let’s do this. Then straight to staff, oh goodness my mother in law has totally forgotten my dietary requirements, what can you do? I’m a guest in the hotel. Thank you so much.

and I’m a farmers wife, a sheep farmers wife, and I dont eat lamb. For reasons you state. And my mother in law is also a nightmare. But absolutely no reason to bow to it. She has no doubt made a big fuss about you not eating it, so just let her have made a fuss about you being vegetarian.

she got away with it because you let her.

im actually a total walkover with friends, acquaintances, saying no. But something like this when you have made the effort just take the control.

I am surprised that your DH or yourself hadn't spoken to his parents about the menu before or reminded them of your allergy.

I have no idea how old your PIL are but you say they are farming stock and old school. I would assume from this information it would be some sort of roast. Your DH probably knows their favoured food choices. He should of checked.

I always check menus with people before hand. 1 DC allergic to peanuts and I am allergic quorn.

With allergies you have you can never assume that people remember or understand. You have to be proactive.

Personally, I hate the smell and taste of Brussels sprouts. They too seem to infect a plate of food. But under the circumstances I would eaten some of it.

I am sorry, that you couldn't eat the meal.

Your comment about the 200 miles and overnight accommodation speaks volumes.

@jesihar TBH I think asking a hostess (why just the MIL anyway) who is excitedly celebrating something if she is 'ok' and how silly of her to forget your on personal requirements would be not only rude, but hurtful.

There are SO many ways to get something to eat without giving your IL a patronising dressing down in public on a day they have joyously planned for.

If you spoke to me like that I’d ask you to leave.

And that’s ok, it would be rude, but so were they.

if it was SO difficult to get other food, just sort it yourself or raise it in advance.

I have been married 25 years, my MIL is a nightmare. We get on well, but it’s been a rough road. She used to do stuff like this, so now I just sort my own.

im allergic to eggs, we will arrive to scrambled egg and potatoes covered in mayo every single time.

but either YOU look silly or she does.

she will have been saying to everyone, oh how grumpy was DIL, never ate a thing, so rude.

so just own it. Is my point, perhaps badly made.

But would you have asked your SIL and DIL to travel that distance with your grandchild and not considered her at all. Watched her with an empty plate

Voted YABU for not checking with in laws what the set menu was. When you agreed to go to the meal why didn't you ask then what was being served. It seems strange that they made you all have the same dish. Like others have said, even at a wedding you are usually sent a menu to choose from with at least two options - one meat and one veggie, if not more options than this.
As you were a large group of 20 I understand a restaurant wanting to know in advance and keeping a limited menu but I am sure they would have offered more than this if asked and ordered in advance.

I think with you having foods that you can’t or won’t eat, you should have called your in-laws ahead of the meal to check the options on offer. Then you could have called the venue and requested an alternative. I’m sure they would have accommodated you if they had notice. Bit risky to leave it til you actually arrived at the meal before you checked out what the meal was.

they remembered another relative's allergy to shellfish......

It was peanuts actually. And of course you’d remember that because it can kill.

I’ve been to a few meals like this and there’s always a choice including vegetarian and increasingly gluten free options for all 3 courses. Sounds like they chose for everyone without asking ?

you are right it was peanuts. The thing with histamine reaction allergies is that exposure can make them worse so none of them can be considered "safe"

yup. That's not great hosting.

I agree. I don't eat lamb either, but had it been served to me I would have just eaten everything else on the plate and asked if anyone else wanted the lamb. I've done this lots of time, it's not a big deal.

As it was THEIR important celebration they can have whatever they want to eat, it's not all about you. And yes, I am a fussy eater - and so are you - but I just go with the flow and work around it.

even if the whole thing was covered in lamb gravy?

why host something and not care if your guests all enjoy it?

Because they weren’t told it was a set menu and assumed they’d be choosing their own food when they got there

That would’ve been a great option for you but the OP has already said the rest was smothered in lamb gravy which made it inedible for her.

as far as I can see in none of OPs posts did she say the hosts couldn’t have what they wanted to eat, she just would have liked a meal that she could eat. It’s pointless inviting people to a meal they aren’t going to eat surely

So I mean they should have checked to make sure there weren’t other allergies they’d forgotten - like they had the OP’s.

Not a fussy eater at all.

If you're ever invited by them (or anyone for that matter) again, ask if it is a set menu and remind them of your food preferences.

Pretty lame of them to be hosting and not check their guests' allergies.

But you need to be more proactive.

How does OP's comment about the 200 miles and overnight accommodation speak volumes? It shows that OP and her husband and daughter made a lot of effort to attend a meal where the hosts made no effort to ensure that all their guests could eat and enjoy their meal. Their other children stayed with PIL and so didn't have to fork out for expensive accommodation like OP and her DH did and I think that a lot of people would be pissed off about not being able to eat any of the food after they had made a lot of effort to attend. OP's PILs sound difficult. OP says:

'They very much want - and get - their own way in most things and are unwilling to compromise.'

There was no menu for OP to check. Both she and her DH thought that as the meal was in a restaurant, they would be able to choose their food from the menu. They didn't know that it was a set menu until they arrived. The venue did ask her PIL about allergies and instead of checking with all the guests, the PILs told them about one guest's peanut allergy but didn't mention OP's allergy to salmon. Her PILs were poor and inconsiderate hosts.

@NeedyOpalSquid

you would complain about a vegetarian not eating meat??

Thank you all for your comments, which I have now read through.
For those of you saying IABU for not checking the set menu beforehand and that it was on me to do so, you have obviously missed what I've said in one of my previous posts. We were NOT informed it was a set menu. Nor did we know that the choice of menu had already been decided for us. We only found this out when we arrived and were already seated at the restaurant. We were simply told that PILs had booked a meal to celebrate their wedding anniversary at X restaurant on X day at X time.
We assumed - as I think most people reasonably would - that we were booked into a normal restaurant and would be able to choose what we wanted to eat from the full menu. I would simply have advised the waiting staff about my allergy on the day and could quite easily have avoided any dishes containing either salmon or lamb.
My husband does have my back and did, in fact, raise this with his mum the next day. He just didn't want to make a big fuss at the actual event. We found out that when booking, the restaurant had provided my PILs with a menu showing the various options available for private dining, similar to a Christmas menu with a choice of 4 or 5 starters, 4 or 5 mains etc. at a set price per head. The food is good - we've eaten in the main restaurant before on previous visits - and is not particularly cheap.
The idea was that the guests would be sent a copy of the menu and asked to make their selection before the day. The meal would therefore be pre-ordered and cooked ready to serve at the event.
All fine and dandy, other than the fact that my FIL couldn't be bothered faffing about - his words - sending the menu out and waiting for everyone to make up their minds, so he decided that everyone should have the same meal "to keep it simple".
He selected salmon and lamb, as that is what he likes, and ordered the same for everyone else too. Whether the venue queried his choice I really couldn't say, as we were not party to the arrangements.
FIL has always been opinionated and has become increasingly cantankerous as he's gotten older. They're both in their 80's now and MIL no longer has the will or energy to argue with him, so she just lets him have his way as it's easier.
As it turned out, some of the other guests were also unaware of the arrangements until they arrived. Luckily, they were able to eat the meal, but some did remark that had they known that there were other dishes available to order, the meal that was served would not have been their first choice.
Oh, and those remarking that they have never seen roast dinners served ready plated, I can only assume this is a regional thing as it is quite usual in the North where our PILs live. Most eateries serving a Sunday roast type meal bring it to the table ready plated. Some put the gravy on before it is served and others serve the gravy separately in a jug or gravy boat for you to help yourself, but both are equally common.
The whole mess simply boils down to a lack of communication and FILs failure to arrange things properly.
As it turned out, I didn't go entirely hungry. When travelling, we always put a few bottles of water and a few snacks in the car in case of delays or if the car should break down. The hotel we stayed in also had biscuits included on the hospitality tray and a small bowl of fruit, apple, banana - that sort of thing, so I was able to eat something. I also had a big slap up breakfast in the morning before leaving for home.

And then did your dh rise it with his dad?
or was there no point ….