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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

581 replies

Shardlake63 · 03/07/2025 09:10

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 03/07/2025 19:31

ChwipDin · 03/07/2025 19:21

We now live in East Midlands which is not even properly north
The fact that it's the East Midland implies that it's not north at all.

To a Londoner it's north believe me

soontobeamama · 03/07/2025 19:43

I voted YABU as you should have advised the waiting staff of your allergy when the starters were served (to be honest, the staff should also have checked for any allergies before serving).

When the main course was served, you should also have asked for an alternative - even though it was a set menu, they should still cater for allergies or dietary requirements.

Yes, your in laws should have known / checked beforehand when planning, but you should also have spoken up.

Renamed · 03/07/2025 19:43

Going for a celebration dinner with your partner and ordering your favourite dishes - great. Bringing 18 other people, ensuring they all have to have exactly the same as you, and not telling them about it - fucking weird if you ask me.

(Sounds as if the meat must have been pre sliced and heated up in the gravy too)

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 19:46

Renamed · 03/07/2025 19:43

Going for a celebration dinner with your partner and ordering your favourite dishes - great. Bringing 18 other people, ensuring they all have to have exactly the same as you, and not telling them about it - fucking weird if you ask me.

(Sounds as if the meat must have been pre sliced and heated up in the gravy too)

Isn’t that what people do at weddings?

Needmorelego · 03/07/2025 19:54

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 19:46

Isn’t that what people do at weddings?

Show quote history

I would imagine 99% of weddings offer a vegetarian alternative.

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 19:56

soontobeamama · 03/07/2025 19:43

I voted YABU as you should have advised the waiting staff of your allergy when the starters were served (to be honest, the staff should also have checked for any allergies before serving).

When the main course was served, you should also have asked for an alternative - even though it was a set menu, they should still cater for allergies or dietary requirements.

Yes, your in laws should have known / checked beforehand when planning, but you should also have spoken up.

there was no option do you not RTFT? The Op did ask about an option and was told that the only way to get one would be to leave the function room, go to the main restaurant, order there and eat there. The function room is catered from a smaller kitchen and that kitchen had only cooked what was ordered. It was served plated including gravy.

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 19:57

soontobeamama · 03/07/2025 19:43

I voted YABU as you should have advised the waiting staff of your allergy when the starters were served (to be honest, the staff should also have checked for any allergies before serving).

When the main course was served, you should also have asked for an alternative - even though it was a set menu, they should still cater for allergies or dietary requirements.

Yes, your in laws should have known / checked beforehand when planning, but you should also have spoken up.

maybe they should but they didn't....RTFT

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 19:58

Renamed · 03/07/2025 19:43

Going for a celebration dinner with your partner and ordering your favourite dishes - great. Bringing 18 other people, ensuring they all have to have exactly the same as you, and not telling them about it - fucking weird if you ask me.

(Sounds as if the meat must have been pre sliced and heated up in the gravy too)

yes I thought that......deffo not an A grade restaurant......

DilemmaDelilah · 03/07/2025 20:20

@Gall10 your suggestion to eat everything but the meat is completely ridiculous. The OP has already stated that the vegetables were covered with a lamb gravy. I also cannot bear the taste of lamb - I can't eat potatoes roasted around the lamb joint, and I wouldn't be able to eat anything with lamb gravy on it. My DH had a lamb kebab and salad for his evening meal today (I had chicken) and he offered me some of his salad. I couldn't accept as it had been in contact with his lamb.

I also would not have been able to eat the starter as I very much dislike smoked salmon.

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 20:25

Needmorelego · 03/07/2025 19:54

I would imagine 99% of weddings offer a vegetarian alternative.

Show quote history

I imagine a vegetarian alternative was on offer if OP had been vegetarian.

3luckystars · 03/07/2025 20:31

There is always a vegetarian option. You could have become vegetarian that day.

derxa · 03/07/2025 20:34

DilemmaDelilah · 03/07/2025 20:20

@Gall10 your suggestion to eat everything but the meat is completely ridiculous. The OP has already stated that the vegetables were covered with a lamb gravy. I also cannot bear the taste of lamb - I can't eat potatoes roasted around the lamb joint, and I wouldn't be able to eat anything with lamb gravy on it. My DH had a lamb kebab and salad for his evening meal today (I had chicken) and he offered me some of his salad. I couldn't accept as it had been in contact with his lamb.

I also would not have been able to eat the starter as I very much dislike smoked salmon.

🤣

whistlesandbells · 03/07/2025 20:34

The restaurant was out of step not to offer an alternative for the starter when it was allergy related. There could also have been a vegetarian option for main. I don’t think you were fussy and your in-laws are not incredibly thoughtful hosts.
That said, I wouldn’t still be dwelling on this. It’s just a not particularly nice meal out for an event that you won’t really remember in the future. Forget it.

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 20:42

whistlesandbells · 03/07/2025 20:34

The restaurant was out of step not to offer an alternative for the starter when it was allergy related. There could also have been a vegetarian option for main. I don’t think you were fussy and your in-laws are not incredibly thoughtful hosts.
That said, I wouldn’t still be dwelling on this. It’s just a not particularly nice meal out for an event that you won’t really remember in the future. Forget it.

I dunno. A one off through forgetfulness.....yes I could kind of forget that. I mean not entirely forget because I would take control next time so it didn't happen again......but a straw in the wind about what they think of their daughter in law is a different matter especially as another family member's allergy WAS remembered and the OP says they expect (and get) their own way in things.

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 20:43

3luckystars · 03/07/2025 20:31

There is always a vegetarian option. You could have become vegetarian that day.

there was no option RTFT

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 20:43

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 20:25

I imagine a vegetarian alternative was on offer if OP had been vegetarian.

Show quote history

there was no option, RTFT

Londonrach1 · 03/07/2025 20:47

Yabu. You are an adult you just explain that you are allergic and a fussy eater. I'm sure the restaurant would have made something for you. Why sit in silence suffering.

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 20:51

Londonrach1 · 03/07/2025 20:47

Yabu. You are an adult you just explain that you are allergic and a fussy eater. I'm sure the restaurant would have made something for you. Why sit in silence suffering.

Why are you so sure? Were you there? The op did ask and was told the only way to get an option would be to leave the function, go into the main restaurant, order there and eat it there. Yes its weird, yes its not helpful but that's the story.

FairFuming · 03/07/2025 20:52

I think it's really shit of your husband to have been happy for you to go hungry so as not to cause a fuss by highlighting his families thoughless behaviour. Obviously it's too late now but you should have said to the wait staff oh there's been a mistake im allergic to salmon when it arrived and they would have gotten you something else.

derxa · 03/07/2025 20:53

None of it happened

RachelsPeeves · 03/07/2025 20:54

I would have got an Uber eats delivered to the table 😂 joking aside, why couldn't you have ordered a meal in the main restaurant and taken it to the function room?

Needmorelego · 03/07/2025 20:59

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 20:25

I imagine a vegetarian alternative was on offer if OP had been vegetarian.

Show quote history

Yes but as no one was told what the meal was going to be until they got there how would the restaurant know if vegetarian meals were required?

amicisimma · 03/07/2025 21:06

As you know there are some foods you cannot eat, why did you not give either the PILs or, better, the restaurant a call when you were invited just to check what was going to be on offer. Then you could either arrange for a substitute or, if they refused to help, have dinner before you went and just have a drink and a pudding.

My DH can be a bit picky so we always do this and in several decades have never encountered a problem.

This was your PILs' day. It wasn't primarily about the food; it was a celebration with family. Why not quietly make sure that you'd be OK so that they could enjoy it without the distraction of your meal not suiting you?

whackamole666 · 03/07/2025 21:06

Teacaketravesty · 03/07/2025 09:17

I think you are a ‘fussy eater’ but that doesn’t make you a bad person! How awful that you couldn’t even have the side dishes. It does sound thoughtless of your in-laws, especially wrt your allergy. I guess they chose their favourite foods? I think I’d have asked the waiting staff to take your plate away & bring me something else, whatever they could, easily, but I can eat anything, even if I don’t like it, and do understand that when you can’t, it’s a sensitive subject and you don’t want to make a fuss.

Being allergic isn't being fussy

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/07/2025 21:10

It does seem really weird that they couldn’t bring you some vegetables/ potatoes that hadn’t be covered in the gravy. Not saying I don’t believe you, it’s just really odd. Some people don’t much like gravy for a start.

Didn’t they even have any bread rolls?

And why does your H get to dictate if you “make a fuss” by popping downstairs? I wouldn’t have to be able to sit there hungry whilst everyone else tucked in - and a pudding on an empty stomach would be worse than no food for me.

I do think it was very thoughtless of your ILs. They should at least have done an allergy check of everyone before ordering the meal.