about sending this message to my friend?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

Just don't reply

I have a few friends where we aren't in touch regularly at all but meet up every 1 or 2 years and have maybe 3 long phone calls between that and it works great for both of us. If that pattern is good for her but doesn't work for you then you're fine to cut her off but it seems a bit shortsighted to me.

We have known each other 22 years at this point. Not replying feels shitty, even if it would make the correct statement.

I think that you have different expectations of friendship, and that it's sad you feel that there's a minimum amount of time you should meet up to consider one another friends. Most of us have friends we rarely see, but it's all okay, and lovely when the opportunity arises to see one another. It would be a real shame for you to miss out on a nice time with an old friend because of this, I think.

That sounds really normal for an adult friendship. You don’t see each other for years but when you do it’s great. Personally I wouldn’t throw away a good friendship with lots of shared history. Life gets busy with kids, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.
Why not address it and say ‘can we get a regular catch up in the calendar?’

Well stick to meeting up every couple of years. I have a group of friends from school and we meet up twice a year at most. We have a WhatsApp group but tend to use it to arrange catch ups. We have known each other for 50+ years but are happy with the loose arrangement. I'm in contact more with one of them, but still only a few times a year. Rethink the friendship to suit both of you.

Old friends are important too, even if you don’t spend regular time together. I wouldn’t end an old friendship like that, I’d just accept it for what it is and be open to catching up every now and then. She obviously does keep making the effort if she’s been the one that’s been messaging first for a few years. If she really didn’t care you would have just drifted into not being in contact.

I think it would be worse to reply and say you don't want to meet than to ignore the message!

I think just do a slow fade, that is kindest. Say you are busy but will check your calendar and then never mention it again, if you really aren't keen to see her.

Do you want to keep in touch over message? Or not even that?

Have you fell out? Do you dislike her? Why wouldn’t you want to meet up for a bit of a reunion/catch up?

it sounds like she’s always wanted to be your friend but you had different expectations for meet ups, is that a issue?
if you feel like you have moved on and have no interest in a catch up then you could say you are busy or be honest and say you feel you have grown apart but you wish her all the best.

Why do you feel that friendships have to be all or nothing. I don’t see my best friend of 35 years from one minute to the next, we phone regularly. I wouldn’t drop him just because things weren’t going my way. You had a clear friendship. I think it’s odd you can’t cope with her offering to visit…

I like having a few friends who I just see once in a while…. It adds some variety to life and I enjoy catching up when we can esp when busy with kids and work etc

Have you fell out? Do you dislike her? Why wouldn’t you want to meet up for a bit of a reunion/catch up?

No, none of these @whynotmereally . It’s just not my model of friendship. I understand that it’s unusual to see friends very regularly as an adult, but I foster those friendships because that is what I like. The model of meet up - discuss everything that’s happened over the past year - couple of WhatsApps - year passes, meet up again… I just don’t enjoy it.

So you want to be her friend but only if you can see each other more?

I'd just echo a PP and say that you're kind of busy and you will let her know when you have more time. And leave at that. Seems the kindest way

Why does it have to be all or nothing? I have uni friends who were intense pals at that stage and now we’re pretty much just facebook friends but if we meet every few years it’s lovely. Zero expectations of re-establishing the very close friendship but we like each other, are interested in each other and our families and enjoy a lunch and chat.

I think if that's how you feel you have to be honest and say that. That you only have time for friends who live nearby and you see really often.

She will be hurt and not understand because it's a pretty unusual attitude to have but if you're going to drop eventually then sooner and most honestly is the better.

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch This is someone who made no effort at the friendship
previously. Made no plans , you did . Spent no money , you did. .
I think true friends are people who make effort when you aren’t on their doorstep and an easy “friend”

@Itchytoe thank you, it’s useful and I will have a read but I’m not the person who wrote that post.

You're over thinking this. If you enjoy their company on your meet ups just go?

You have a higher expectation of this kind of friendship than most of us I think. I have very close friends I only see once every year or so.

It just isn’t. I didn’t write it. If you want to pursue this line perhaps ask MN to check and clarify my posting history.

I am posting because I’d like perspective on something I am finding difficult. Sending “posters” off to read a thread I didn’t start and attributing it to me is the opposite of helpful.

Doesn't sound like the OP at all. Quite a different tone.