about sending this message to my friend?

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As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

Why would you accused op of writing that just because the stories are a bit similar? She's already said it's not her

Tell her the truth. You wanted more contact in the past and when it was clear that she didn’t, you accepted it and you are hurt and confused as to why she suddenly wants more.

What a weird thing for you to say. Why are you trying to catch OP out? The stories/timelines and details aren't even the same at all

If you like her and there’s been no fall out you could try meeting again and then suggest more regular meet up explaining that leaving a year inbetween is too long for you. If she’s a good friend maybe she’d like that too but doesn’t know how to bring it up.
if you’re really done just be polite saying it’s been too long and you think the friendship has run its course

that other post doesn’t sound remotely like yours. Completely different style of writing. Just ignore.

it doesn’t sound like the op at all in my opinion. Coincidentally some similarities on theme etc but you’re reaching and even if it was the same op it could be a different friendship being referred to…

Personally, I would meet up with her.

But I would reframe the relationship in my mind.

She is not a good friend these days, she is the sort of friend you just see casually about every 2 years.

Or if you really hate that sort of friendship you will have to "break up" with her but I wouldn't want the drama of that so would just meet occasionally when she suggests it and enjoy the catch up for what it is.

There are some of my best friends I havent seen for years, when we are finally able to regroup we have a fantastic connection.. albeit brief.
I see absolutely no problem with your problem

You sound incompatible, so just be honest with her.

However, you may want to address why you are so focused on all or nothing friendships. Your post does rrad like you have a bit of a child-like definition of friendship, in the sense of the obsessive need to have regular and frequent contact.

I have some incredible friends from uni/high school etc who I maybe speak to once or twice a year, meet up every couple of years and pick up like it was yesterday. We dont need to be involved in the minutiae of each other's lives to be good and close friends.

I have one of my closest friends who I think I have. Seen once or twice in the last 12 months. We have been friends for over 39nyears. I drive passed her house pretty much every week day on the way home from work. However, I am busy with my dd, she has 3 kids. One who has a devastating life limiting condition. We are busy people. We text occasionally, sometimes if we hit the right moment there will be a flurry, others it might take a few days or weeks for a reply. Doesn't stop us being close, we know the other would be there in a heartbeat in a crisis.

The model of meet up - discuss everything that’s happened over the past year - couple of WhatsApps - year passes, meet up again… I just don’t enjoy it.

You tell her this? She may not understand, but you'll get your message across.

I have friends that I only see once a year, if that. But we have a good time when we meet.
When one of you moves away, and life changes for you both, the practicalities are bound to affect the frequency of meet ups. It's not personal, and it's pretty normal. But personally I'd never throw away a friendship for this reason. If when you get together it's good, why not continue?

Can’t you just keep it very simple and say you’d love to meet up for a “quick coffee” and suggest a few dates and times you’re free? Might be less intense for you both.

It is quite unusual, I think most adults have friendships where you only see someone once a year or less. What is it specifically that you don't enjoy about it? Friendships don't all have to be the same to be worthwhile.
Do all of your family live nearby too, or are there family members you see infrequently but still consider family?

That sounds really normal for an adult friendship.

This is what I was thinking...I have re-read the post several times and I still can't see a problem in any of it. If the OP doesn't want to meet then she only has to be "too busy".

Personally I would just send a vague "hi, sorry but life is a bit mad at the moment, I can't really commit to a time. Hope you're well" type message.

I don't think you need to tell her the truth as she hasn't actually done anything wrong. Also at some point you might be happy to reconnect with her on a less frequent basis.

I agree that not replying at all is also bad form.

@Itchytoe your posts are ridiculous.

OP wasn't having a nice time...

always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated

And now tbh the friend is getting in touch because it's convenient/she needs a friend. Not as part of an ongoing good friendship where they're only able to see each other infrequently.

It wasn’t @great”, @TheRozzers. So many people seem to be missing this which is in the OP.

OP, I don’t know why posters are almost pressuring you to meet her.

Life is too short to continue with friendships that leave you sad.

Someone once said that that after you meet with a friend, you should leave feeling energised and happier and I agree with that.

You don’t need to be blunt, just tell her you have a lot of going on for the next few months so can’t commit to anything. She’ll get the message,

I understand that it’s unusual. Being unusual doesn’t bother me! And I have enough people in my life who also like the routine, regular etc.

You asked what’s wrong about what my friend proposes - to me one of the things that makes a friendship is regular contact. It doesn’t mean being enmeshed with the other person, but it does mean knowing that we see one another every week or few weeks, that we look forward to a regular coffee after drop off on a Thursday or a shared playdate once a month or something. That is different if the person lives far away and then everyone makes an effort to keep in touch, but that’s not the case here. What my friend suggests clearly suits many people, but I just find it hollow and unsatisfactory.

(This is Mumsnet, where every slightly unusual post gets “Have you considered they/you may be ND?”, so it is probably worth adding that I am autistic. Quite autistic, to use the old terminology. But I think I am still entitled to make and keep friendships on terms which I find enjoyable, especially since I actually do have friends who want the same.)

Someone once said that that after you meet with a friend, you should leave feeling energised and happier and I agree with that

Surely not every time? Unless you never support your friends through difficult periods and they only exist for fun.

I hardly ever see one of my oldest friends. We're still friends and if she needed me, I'd be there. I know she'd do the same for me. We just aren't close geographically and we're busy with our lives/other friends. I still care about her.

There's no minimum participation to remain friends with me. Some I see a lot, some hardly ever. It is what it is...

Hi Op just to say I have something similar in my life, an old friend who I have always considered my best friend because of all of our shared history and knowing each other so well for so long, etc. And yet.... I have felt many times over that time period that she holds me at a distance. When I've suggested doing more, like having a night away together or something, she won't reply or replies long weeks later. She is currently going through a situation where one of her close (older) family members is very ill, I know it is taking its toll on my friend, I have called and left messages asking how she is doing / have texted and I don't hear back. I assume she is sharing how she is feeling with other friends who live nearer to her? And doesn't need to share with me? But it does leave you wondering whether the other friend sees you in the same way as I know my friend is going through so much. I, like you, have made close friends in my area now and don't have the need for the old friend in the same way I did. Which is healthier for me I guess but I suppose I don't consider the old friend as a best friend anymore, just an old friend, and when I think of her like that everything feels better about it in my head and heart and it all makes more sense and I have less expectations of the old friendship. It's not easy though but I think friendships wax and wane and it is really nice to hold onto old friendships if you can, even if you have to hold on to them loosely!

I have friends I see all the time, friends I see some of the time and friends I see once every decade. I don’t understand why you’d want to cut someone off because you don’t see them ‘all the time’.

Why don’t you just meet up with her and enjoy the time together? It’s very odd to refer to a friendship ‘model’. She hasn’t been mean, she hasn’t been rude, she’s just living her life and behaving completely normally. You sound quite intense. How often do you see friends in the ‘model’ you consider to be correct?

OP I also get that you might not want to share deep and personal parts of your life in a friendship where someone is unavailable for long gaps in between meetings, that makes sense to me too. So do what feels right for you of course x

Just arrange to meet her at a place of your choice and see how the conversation goes……she might just be in a dark place and needs a listening ear. She may have realised that she has been a but neglectful of your friendship and wants to make amends. Give her the benefit of the doubt but be mindful…..she may have fallen on hard times and wants to tap you up for money. There’s all manner of explanations around this, what have you to lose?

Just say you're busy. She will get what's implied.

Yes of course you are entitled to make and keep friendships on terms which you find enjoyable, that is your personal right which no one can deny.

We're all different, maybe you and your friend just don't align anymore.