about sending this message to my friend?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

Having read all of your posts on this thread, for me, the key factors influencing your decision are:

• your need for honesty and clarity - due to being autistic and cultural factors.
• your dislike of friendship on these terms
• how your more recent interactions have made you feel.

On the basis of the above, I’d send a truthful and kind message saying that you’d rather not meet. Personally - I’d do the British fudging/semi-ghosting or just meet them and write the time off, but I appreciate that you would feel uncomfortable taking this approach.

Could you not give her another chance and see if it becomes a regular occurrence if not next time you could just say hey it’s not ideal meeting once a year it feels a bit strained then don’t bother. I have had this happen to me loads but if they reached out I would be willing to try 1 more time. Especially if they mean something to you.

You don't like anyone's suggestions so just tell her "I don't think this friendship is worth having anymore and I don't wish to meet up with you".

Your expectation that friendships require meeting at least once per 3 weeks is high and unusual

But if you leave meet ups feeling unhappy and sad, that may be a sign the friendship has run its course

OP I think you're being a bit strange to be honest. She's offering to come to you, it's not as if you've ever fallen out (from what you've said), it sounds like you've kept in touch exchanging updates and photos. I would be happy to see a friend of 22 years even if I haven't seen her for a while.

It sounds like you just want to meet up more often which isn't always realistic. How far does she live from you now? When did you last exchange messages.

If you really don't see her as a friend and don't want to see her then don't. I'm torn between whether I'd just say I'm busy or tell the truth. As you have known her so long I think it's fair to be honest. "It's really nice that you want to meet up now but I feel like we've grown apart as it's so long since we've been in touch".

I'm wondering why you continued texting her if you don't consider her a friend any more and never want to see her again.