about sending this message to my friend?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

I had this exact same situation! Including meeting at uni, living a distance away and now being very nearby. Except there was the addition that she always, always managed to find ways to manipulate situations into me paying for everything and had a selfish streak. But on the other hand she had let me live with her when I moved to this city as a young professional, been my friend through some difficult times and could be extremely caring. It was a real dilemma for me.

The final straw came when she was supposed to finally visit my new house that I was so proud of buying and cancelled last minute (again) for a minor reason so I had to go round to hers (again). Next time she eventually suggested meeting up I agonised over what to say. I had no interest in continuong a one sided friendship however I had known her 20 years and we had so much history. I wanted to reply ending the friendship and explaining why but without being mean or confrontational about it. I'm a matter of fact person and this doesn't always come across well in text so I thought about it a lot. In the end I took so long to decide what to say I realised I had just ghosted her. If i could go back I would probably say something like "nice to hear from you and hope you're all well. I've been reflecting a lot on our friendship and to be honest would rather not meet up knowing it will be another 2 years before I see you again. That type of friendship feels very one sided to me and I leave feeling sad. There are no hard feelings on my part, I love you and wish you well" or something.

Ok then, so just say that the friendship doesn’t suit you anymore and move on!

I would meet up with her and see how it goes.

If I'd known somebody for 22 years and yet had not seen them for a couple of years, I'd be delighted to touch base with them again - check out what's been happening in their life and updating on what's been happening in mine. Have a chinwag and move on perhaps for another couple of years.

You don't want to give your former 'friend' any of your time; you don't want them as a friend at all; so either way what you say will sound unfriendly and 'shitty'. You either blank them and don't respond, or tell it like it is for you, but at least give them the knowledge they don't have to bother with you again.

Agree - it could be worth meeting up, catching up and ending with a bit of convo on what’s next, when shall we next meet up?

I’m afraid you’re mostly going to get British advice on here. The reason for saying ‘lively idea. Terribly busy this summer - you know what it’s like with the kids, work, etc.’ is that it’s less hurtful. There are times for being blunt, but there are times when it’s the worst thing you can do and will cause more harm than good.

So you’re happy to be friends but only on your terms. Who says that your “model of friendship” is the right one and the only one?

Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?
That you’re sad that you only see each other every two years and you find that difficult… and would of course love to meet up with her if it could be more regular, but if it can’t be you’d rather carry on exchanging messages.

she’s been in your life for 22 years. You should be able to have this conversation… otherwise it’s not much of a friendship to begin with!

nice to hear from you and hope you're all well. I've been reflecting a lot on our friendship and to be honest would rather not meet up knowing it will be another 2 years before I see you again. That type of friendship feels very one sided to me and I leave feeling sad. There are no hard feelings on my part, I love you and wish you well

This from Natty13 is very appropriate and I think sets out your position with compassion.

No one is saying this? The OP is definitely not saying this.

It’s your prerogative to feel that way and can stop the friendship for any reason you like.

But it seems very rigid- just because it’s not exactly as you’d choose you’d rather not do it all. If you like the person and haven’t fallen out, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t see them?

OP, just like it's fine to end a romantic relationship for any reason, it's also fine to end a friendship for any reason.

I would say it's better to give an explanation though. It's not that you don't like her or whatever, it's because you want different things out of a friendship.

I think if that is how you feel then you probably have to tell her. She will be hurt whether you tell her or just ghost her (the cowards way out).

Then you have to deal with the fact that you have unnecessarily hurt someone who has done nothing wrong, except not conform to your very rigid rules of friendship. And unless you laid out the rules for 'being friends with you' from the outset, how ould she know.

But it is entirely up to you, have whatever rules you like, just don't be surprised when others find them odd and end up as collateral damage to your thinking.
Most people find it quite easy to accomodate different levels of friendship in their lives, I don;t know anyone who doesn't have friends they see regularly, and also friends they see very occasionally. The fact that she has asked to meet up suggest she values you, if you don't value her let her know so she can find other friends

There different types of friendship, OP. Yes you like to keep your friends close and that’s that. But some people, perfectly validly, also have friends they need to see every week. There is love there but there’s no need to be in each others faces. These are long established friendships, will continue to be so. Maybe you only do a big catch up once a year and share the love and enjoy each others company. There’s no expectation to check in more regularly because you know that come that time you’re going to have a big beautiful reunion and that’s worth the wait.

I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

But you may only be hers.

It reads to me as if you want to hurt her with your response as you are one of those direct/blunt people.

That's ugly if that is how you feel, the need to be unkind.

The adult decent thing to do would be to say "Too busy thanks, will get back to you when I am free", and simply don't bother.

The adult decent thing to do would be to say "Too busy thanks, will get back to you when I am free", and simply don't bother.

That doesn’t sound decent at all, it sounds dishonest.

I think it’s a good idea to keep friendships going - even if it’s just the odd WhatsApp and meet every year or so. We all go through different stages in our lives, especially when children are young or people are busy with their careers, they don’t tend to have so much time to devote to friendships. Speaking as someone whose DC are now adults, it’s nice to have those friendships where we’ve kept the communication going and now have much more time to meet every couple of weeks or spend time away together.

Hi OP, have you thought about editing your first post and sending that? You've expressed your feelings in a very nice and balanced way in it. I'm sure your friend would appreciate it and, importantly, have a chance to respond. You can both then take it from there.

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch What exactly do you want? Like, what's your ideal outcome?

If you don't mind never seeing or speaking to her again, do you really care that much about being vague in your message back?

You don't want to be dishonest, but you also don't want to just tell her straight? You have to pick one. Either way, there's a high possibility that she'll be hurt and sad. That's unavoidable if you're not willing to do the once-a-year thing. And you're certainly not obliged to!

Rip the plaster off. You've said a couple of times you're a blunt and honest person, so why steer off course now? I have to say, I find your version of friendship a little overwhelming so she might even feel an odd sense of relief! Either way, you can't really control her feelings or reactions, only your own.

I would say, sorry but all my socialising time is taken up at the moment, and I’ve so much on with family and work too. Happy to stay in touch on WhatsApp though.

Well if you dont want to just ignore and you dont want to be dishonest, you need to be honest!

You said she knows you are blunt, so just tell her like it is. The reason she only checks in every once in a while is because she has her own busy life with friends and family.
Whatever you tell her she will be able to handle it as its not as if youre a bestie ghosting her from all to nothing, is it?

Most people would gently fade this out but if you need to be upfront and honest…

”Hi friend, thanks for your message but I dont think I have time to meet up now, or likely in future. Life has moved on a lot and I have so many family, friend and general life commitments here that consume my time. I’d rather be honest about this and hope you understand. Wishing you all the best.”

Well then be as unkind and direct as you like in your bid to be honest/blunt with her.

Sounds like an excuse to be unkind and have a pop at her, even the score so to speak.

If thats who you are and she knows that, she probably won't be surprised.

This is a really good idea, I think — especially if you don’t want to be dishonest, OP.

I think you need to be honest, or she will be hurt. I'd just say what you have here - that you like her very much and appreciate the friendship you've had, but that you're only happy maintaining friendships that involve frequent and regular contact going forward. Say you know it's a little unusual but that it's where you stand, and so much as you like her and don't consider it her fault that things are the way they are, you're not available for a meet up unless it's going to be a regular commitment.

I think she will find it a little hurtful because she'll see it as a rejection but I think she deserves to know that the issue isn't her, it's just that you're only open to friendship on specific terms that she can't commit to.