about sending this message to my friend?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

As briefly as I can put it: friend and I both come from the same small town, met at uni. Got on well, loads in common, but post-uni she was really only interested in meeting up once a year or so. I had attributed it to how far we lived from each other but actually at times when we lived nearer she was still reluctant to meet more, and it was often me coming to her when we did (but then I had slightly more money to travel etc). I always left our times together feeling weirdly sad and discombobulated - feeling like we'd both really had a good connection, finished up with lots more to say - but that through her actions she was telling me that actually she wasn't that interested. We now live really near, a few miles apart.

A few years ago I pulled back, stopped suggesting meetups after our Whatsapp exchanges. Our relationship became exchanging photos of the kids when she messaged me. I have a good number of friendships now that are more my cup of tea - people who I see very regularly, where we are really part of one another's lives.

She's now gotten in touch to ask about meeting up, she can come round my way etc. I don't want to be hurtful but can I politely say that I'm sorry but don't want to meet up? Catching up at such long intervals just doesn't feel like a friendship to me - I just feel sad and a bit confused. I feel like I'm breaking up with her, except I haven't seen her in - checks calendar - over two years!

Is it a hurtful message to send? Can I word it better?

In OP’s context, she doesn’t speak of either of them needing support, so I don’t think it’s relevant.

Yes, friends should support each other but again, if it becomes one friend doing all the running around and giving support then that’s an unequal friendship and therefore not really a friendship.

Even when my friends and I have met in difficult circumstances, we have still managed to laugh and joke about other things and to see humour in the situation.

one of the things that makes a friendship is regular contact.

I'd have no friends left if I stuck rigidly to that rule. I can't say I wouldn't love more contact with friends, but we all have our own lives to lead.

The fact that I know I could turn up unannounced at the home of any of my friends and be welcomed in at any point is what makes me know they are true friends.

Why can’t you just meet up and accept the situation for what it is?

You’ve quoted me but left out two quite important words at the start of the bit you quoted - “to me”. Not to you, or to everyone. This is how I like or prefer friendships to go. So no, what my friend (and many people here) say that they enjoy - it doesn’t feel like friendship to me.

Same here.

We enjoy having catch ups even if they come at many years intervals. We are not expecting regularity when there are long distances between us.

You seem to want a friendship in the old terms, which are unreasonable in the current circumstances.

I was reading that we can find ourselves falling into "catch up friendships" where you just brief each other on what's going on in each other's lives rather than making new experiences/memories together. It can feel like you're not part of each other's lives but just getting updates. I'm finding that with some of my friendships, and sounds a bit like what you're describing with this one.

I could, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. Should I still go? This year and the next and the next? In the name of a longstanding friendship?

Nearly all of my good friends I see once a year or sometimes less. We all moved across the world. You can have different types of friends. Theres something good in having friends who you have known for a very long time. Even if you dont see them often.

So why not just tell her you're too busy? You don't have to burn bridges.

This. It’s exactly this.

Agreed. This is what happens often in these longstanding old friendships. Just 'we did this have you done this?' 'we did this and we are going to do this'. It's so easy to fall into this pattern and it becomes a friendship of reporting to each other what has happened! Rather than a friendship where you contact each other to share time / enjoy company etc.

Most of us have friends on different levels , a bestie and others on various levels , that's normal . Your friend seems keen to meet up with you , why not give it a go .

You both may have lots to talk about , you may not , and if it doesn't go too well, then let it go after that .

I really don't see why you need to tell her that you want a different standard/level of friendship. That just seems petty/immature. The kindest thing is just to leave it. It only benefits you, really, to air your thoughts, she doesn't need to hear it. Lots of friendships work this way so neither of you are at fault, but you definitely are if you send a message explaining why because it could be very hurtful and have a negative impact when there is really no need, except for you possibly wanting to let her know how the lack of frequency has upset/displeased you. And that's likely to be because you feel hurt/insecure/dissatisfied with the level she has offered you. Understandable, but no-one is in the wrong.

Would you still want to continue with the friendship if she said that now her kids were older etc she would be able to commit to meeting up more regularly, or do you think it's too late now?

I know it us very difficult. I would be the same

Because I’m not too busy, and she knows me as someone quite blunt/honest, so she’d likely just get in touch in six months hoping that I was now less busy. I don’t want to be dishonest. I’d add that we are both from another culture that doesn’t do the British “Oh we must have you round sometime” thing - bit more straight talking. Imagine we’re Dutch.

Well alright then just tell her in Dutch what you've said here. She'd have to be pretty thick-skinned not to get that message.

I think it’s really normal that some adult friendships end up this way. It would be a shame if ALL your friends were like this, but it sounds like you have a good group of close, regular friends who you see often, so it’s not like you’re starved of good relationships/friendships. I think there’s room for both- your day to day group who you meet up with/chat to regularly, and old friends you have a good catch up with every year or so. I would say most adult women I know have a mix of these types of friendships, myself included.
That said, if you really don’t want to see her again, I think you’re best letting her know the reasons why- don’t just ignore her or pretend to be busy.

I think you sound a little like you haven't moved on from your younger years, and a bit bitter. I'm not sure how healthy that is, but you risk losing friends as life progresses.

I think what you're describing is natural as we get older. You sound quite cross about it. If you work, and/or have children, then catching up every few years is normal.

I recently met someone I hadn't seen for 30 years! It was as though no time had passed. It was glorious.

This is a bit odd, OP - why are you feeling you have to stop being in touch? Friendships can be very different, especially for adults. I, personally, dont understand people who think friendship means they have message and want to meet up constantly, it tires me out and I dont like sharing my life to this extent. But I know people who like to do everything together, even going on holidays with their friends and their families (shudder). Its just a personal preference.

You will not gain anything by cutting her off, and the amount of effort that you have to put into keeping in touch is minimal - why rock the boat?

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch you could test out the water this time and meet up. Maybe she will suggest more regular meetings, or maybe you will decide the friendship has definitely run its course, in which case you could try and explain it doesn’t work for you in person, or after by text. But I understand if you don’t want to at this stage.

It's perfectly reasonable to end the friendship now, OP, if it's what you really want. I gather you have children and a busy life. There'll come a time when things aren't so hectic and you look around and find you have no friends, though.

I have friends whom I've known for 35+ years. We fundamentally seem to like or be interested in each other, so although we only speak on the phone three or four times a year and see each other every few years (whenever we're in each others' area) it's always a pleasure to see them. I think we've got very good at spending a lovely three hours together, over coffee and cake or lunch, and laughing a lot and then going on our way.

Only you know what's really going on to make you feel you don't even want her to come over for an afternoon and have a cup of tea and a chat. Personally I think it would be sad not to be able to extend that welcome to her after all this time. Are you playing tit-for-tat with her? She wasn't up for it when you wanted a much more involved friendship, so you're not going to be up for it now she's suggested a meeting? That seems petty.

I am more straight talking than the usual British person and I would be honest and tell her your thoughts. Ignoring her would be incredibly rude and hurtful. At least she’ll know where she stands.

Can't you say you're busy and can't make it? There's no need to say you're not interested anymore, it seems unnecessarily hurtful and pointless. She'll get the hint even without you being blunt about it.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Meeting up every couple of years for a catch up isn’t a friendship to me. Having said that, I would meet up on this occasion and be honest with your friend.