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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unpleasant altercation - who was the most unreasonable?

1000 replies

zerofeeling · 02/07/2025 17:10

Took my dogs out today and was trying to park in a small space between two cars on a country lane. As I was inching back to fit into the space I heard a loud crunch 😖

The two men from the car behind had just set off on their walk, as I got out of my car one of them was heading back towards me shouting why did I try to park in such a small space. I said sorry and inspected the front of his car - couldn't see any damage at all, and apart from a tiny paint scuff nothing on my car. I said to him 'i can't see any damage, it doesn't look like I hit you'
Man just glanced over at his car then asked me for my details, I asked is that necessary and said again there's no damage. He said that's not the point you have to give your details if you've been in a collision. He was much taller than me and sort of fronting up to me repeating that he wanted my details and me refusing, saying I don't think it was a collision, I think I might have hit something underneath my car. (For info my Mum and a friend have both been scammed on their insurance by people who claimed all kinds of things after very minor prangs)

Then he took an ID wallet out of his pocket and flipped it open to show a photo and badge and said he's Police. I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. He held his phone up and said he's filming me refusing to comply with the law.
By this time the other man had come back and also filming me and I started to worry - I'm in a secluded area, with two men who are much bigger than me. I told them I felt intimidated and are they trying to scam me?

I got in my car and tried to shut the door but 1st man held onto it to prevent me. I asked if he's trying to detain me and he said no but I will if you don't give me your details, I've identified myself to you as a police officer. I said you've got no right to detain me. Eventually he let go of the door and I had to turn the car round as the lane is a dead end. Once I turned round he said again that I'm breaking the law by refusing to give my details after a collision and he started to recite the Caution they give when you're arrested! I drove away very shaken up, no idea what consequences to expect.

OP posts:
Original poster
zerofeeling · 08/07/2025 22:42

"If only you'd done what a sensible person would have done...heard a crunch while reversing your car clearly hitting another car. Got out. Checked both vehicles."

That's exactly what I did do. 🤦
I did everything I was supposed to do and this man did everything he's not supposed to do and that was his choice, not my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
zerofeeling · 08/07/2025 22:44

sandyhappypeople · 08/07/2025 21:57

Weaponising victimhood, not womanhood.

They are not wrong, at no point have you took responsibility for your part in all this, not once have you taken responsibility for driving into their car, or escalating a situation instead of fulfilling your legal obligation. Not once have you taken responsibility for doing a hit and run, and not bothering to contacting the police to report these men posing as policeman and intimidating a lone woman which made you so frightened you had to flee, you only contacted the police after being shamed on here for not following through with your legal responsibility.

easier to blame someone else all the time though isn’t it, without taking one shred of responsibility for your own poor choices.

Show quote history

'Weaponising victimhood'? What an unbelievably crass thing to say.

OP posts:
Cyb3rg4l · 09/07/2025 00:00

zerofeeling · 08/07/2025 21:33

You're accusing women of 'weaponising' their womanhood while starting off your attack with 'as a woman' in an attempt to use that to shield yourself from accusations of misogyny. 🤦 Lots of women don't like other women unfortunately and will find any excuse to put them down. You're nothing special.

I said manufactured victimhood not womanhood to be clear. For me those are not synonyms.
I stated I was a woman because I am in fact a woman and with roots in third wave feminism I am very clear about what constitutes misogyny and what does not. Being held accountable for your own behaviour is not misogyny, at all. It is being an adult. And you are right, I am nothing special - are you under the impression that you are?

PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 00:50

What I don't understand is what the bloke was supposed to do had he started driving home and found his bumper was loose/clips broken? Very possible given the loud crunch and lack of external damage.

That's why you'd usually exchange details.

PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 01:38

I don't really understand all this Sarah Everard stuff either. It's statistically far less likely that a police officer is going to be a murderer compared to a member of the general public.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 09/07/2025 01:58

Nearlyspring23 · 05/07/2025 11:45

The thing I find challenging is that what most people on this thread seem to be focusing on is how the op was in the wrong for not giving details (I actually agree they should have given details) but that therefore they are then not justified in being nervous. That somehow if you react less than perfectly in a stressful situation you therefore don’t get to have any ability to also feel nervous and scared.

This is really worrying as so many women will be in dangerous situations after behaving less than perfectly, it doesn’t mean they then have to stick it out, take what’s coming and suck it up when they feel scared.

As women we all have to be really mindful not to peddle the idea that if you haven’t behaved perfectly you then don’t get to feel nervous. That if you feel scared you need to stay as if you don’t people will berate you for being wickle females. That if you get yourself out of a challenging situation you will then be accused of trying to flee your responsibility. This is all such damaging views to be pushing, it gets into the back of minds and makes us question even more so our reactions in challenging situations.

The situation the op found themselves in would have been full of knee jerk reactions on both sides. Possibly bumping a car will have got the adrenaline going for the outset, combined with feeling told off, not heard, scared at the repercussions, isolated, intimidated etc… All of those really complex feelings would have happened in the space of seconds and it is no surprise the OP fled and then needed some time to work out what on earth just happened and get advice on next steps. I suspect if the intimidation and isolation had been taken out of the mix the outcome may have been different (I.e. not feeling like the only choice is to run).

It’s very possible that both parties acted incorrectly. Op for not giving details, the police men for filming a lone woman in an isolated area, reading rights and preventing access to safety. It’s just that the potential outcomes are vey different for both. For the policeman the worst possible outcome is financial via insurance excess. For a woman in this situation the worst possible outcome is a threat to self. This should always be acknowledged and understood, especially by other women.

This, this and this again.

The replies on here berating the OP for getting herself out of a situation where she felt threatened are absolutely wild, not to mention deeply depressing.

temperedolive · 09/07/2025 03:37

I mean, the guy didn't manipulate you into hearing a loud crunch. That's happened because you either hit his car or might have done so. You weren't the victim of some scam he was orchestrating.

Sometimes damage isn't obvious.
You take photos of both cars and exchange details. I get that you felt intimidated, but you potentially hit his car and were trying to leave the scene without providing insurance info. Wouldn't you be angry if someone did that to you?

Figcherry · 09/07/2025 04:33

@DCorMe if you really are a police officer then you’re in the wrong job.
That man could have had such a different conversation with the op.

Eg.
I just heard a crunch are you ok?
Let’s have a look at both our cars. Well I’m not sure if there is any damage, let’s just swap insurance details and I’ll get my car checked.

He didn’t even have to mention he was a police officer except to reassure the op.

PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 04:39

Figcherry · 09/07/2025 04:33

@DCorMe if you really are a police officer then you’re in the wrong job.
That man could have had such a different conversation with the op.

Eg.
I just heard a crunch are you ok?
Let’s have a look at both our cars. Well I’m not sure if there is any damage, let’s just swap insurance details and I’ll get my car checked.

He didn’t even have to mention he was a police officer except to reassure the op.

Well, it's highly likely the OP is exaggerating their behaviour to make herself the victim. The fact she thought it was OK to drive away "because it didn't look like there was any damage" seems pretty disingenuous tbh.

He could've arrested her for trying to do a hit and run and quite possibly would've had it been a bloke. Hell, even a civilian might've had grounds for a citizens arrest.

Figcherry · 09/07/2025 05:32

PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 04:39

Well, it's highly likely the OP is exaggerating their behaviour to make herself the victim. The fact she thought it was OK to drive away "because it didn't look like there was any damage" seems pretty disingenuous tbh.

He could've arrested her for trying to do a hit and run and quite possibly would've had it been a bloke. Hell, even a civilian might've had grounds for a citizens arrest.

Show quote history

Really?
🙄

TakeMe2Insanity · 09/07/2025 05:58

At that moment you should have pulled your phone out and either filmed them or called the police from your phone.

babyproblems · 09/07/2025 06:12

Ponoka7 · 02/07/2025 17:23

I'd contact the Police. State that you didn't hit the other car and left for your own safety. You didn't need to give him your details and his behaviour was intimidating.

This. Go to the police and tell them what’s happened! They’d be interested to know if he’s got a police badge im sure.

I cannot believe so many people here are saying you should’ve given your details!! If you didn’t hit him I think absolutely no reason to give your details. Their behaviour is unacceptable.

IF he thought you’d hit him, he should’ve taken photos and reported you to the police in the correct way. Doesn’t give anyone ANY excuse to hold your door and threaten you in public!!
hole you’re ok, I’d be shaken up by this too. X

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 09/07/2025 06:13

Wow. This thread is wild. OP, I'm glad you had the presence of mind to protect yourself in this situation. 34 pages in and over 100 posts by the OP yet still posters think someone who was scared should have starting filming or called the police instead of getting the hell out of there.

Nazzywish · 09/07/2025 06:16

OP you know their insurers can just get your details from your number plate. So in this situation you take clear pictures of car damage or non damage both cars. And a wide picture of car position before moving them out of the way etc.

Report it to your insurer with his reg details if you got them. As failure to inform is a thing in policies.
Also call 111 to verify police badge next time.

Nazzywish · 09/07/2025 06:17

For what it's worth with the 2 of them there and you felt threatened I see why you left given it was a secluded country road

But I do think you were also acting unreasonably by not giving details before the situation got heated. You heard a crunch and knew there was contact- that's enough to say there was an incident that needed details exchanged. AMount of damage or not isn't down for you to argue on the spot its for the insurers to deal with. That's why they ask for pictures etc.

Simplestars · 09/07/2025 06:17

I would have exchanged details.
Loud crunch and then denying you hit his car, is pretty low.

Unfashionablyearly · 09/07/2025 06:49

Op. I have read all.your updates - YANBU.

ScupperedbytheSea · 09/07/2025 06:53

Can't believe all the 'you were terribly in the wrong' posts.

People get scammed like this all the time. Even if I had hit a car, two men acting aggressively and trying to intimidate me in a quiet area would be enough for me to want to get out of there as quickly as possible. Like fuck would I give personal details to someone behaving like that when there's no visible damage.

Police officers (if he was one) are not supposed to use warrant cards off-duty to intimidate or abuse their position. Dodgy as fuck, and it's not like police have a great reputation.

If he was genuinely concerned, all he had to do was take her number plate and report to police/insurance company with pics and let them deal with it.

I would bet money on the fact that had the OP given her details, the intimidating texts with "you owe me £200 in repairs and it's not worth going through insurance" BS would have started.

IDontFeelLikeCooking · 09/07/2025 06:56

OP - I know exactly how you feel.

In around 2001 I was driving on the M5 to work. Doing around 65 on the motorway I checked my mirrors , indicated and began to move into the middle lane to over take. I hadn’t checked my blind spot and (quite rightly) got a blast from the horn of the driver that was passing me. I immediately pulled back into my lane. Any danger must have been milliseconds. The driver didn’t have to swerve / change lanes / brake excessively. There was no accident.

The driver then slowed down, pulled behind me and followed me for the next 15 miles or so. Followed me from the motorway , through a residential area and into a public car park. When I got out of the car he started to shout at me before pulling out his ‘police identification’ and ranted at me for around 5 minutes. I apologised for my mistake, thanked him for his quick thinking etc etc anything I could say in an effort to calm him down and just stop. Only when I was crying did he decide to walk away. His parting shot was that he’d ’have a think about whether I should be reported for my actions’ and ‘just wait and see if his colleagues came to get me’.

I was on tenterhooks for days. Too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. I was 21 and living away from home alone for the first time.

25 years later I still remember the way he made me feel. I’m sure he’d love to know that his humiliation of a young woman that day has had a lasting effect.

These officers , whether you had damaged their vehicle or not, should not have treated you in the way they did. I suspect if they had behaved in a more reasonable manner you would have happily swapped details.

I hope you are feeling ok now.

GobbledyBook · 09/07/2025 06:56

@zerofeeling i can't believe the hard time you're getting here. I think you did the right thing in a tough situation and hopefully the complaint will be followed through.

Poppy61 · 09/07/2025 06:56

The most important part here should have been your is your safety. Sod the car and giving details.

MoominUnderWater · 09/07/2025 07:00

zerofeeling · 08/07/2025 22:42

"If only you'd done what a sensible person would have done...heard a crunch while reversing your car clearly hitting another car. Got out. Checked both vehicles."

That's exactly what I did do. 🤦
I did everything I was supposed to do and this man did everything he's not supposed to do and that was his choice, not my fault.

Got out checked both vehicles and then started denying you hit him. You missed that bit out 👍🏻. I imagine it got his back up🤷🏻‍♀️

obviously he shouldn’t have tried to prevent you leaving nor should he have looked your details up

Lavenderflower · 09/07/2025 07:28

I think you were in the wrong. You parks in a small space and you refused to provide details.

Starlight7080 · 09/07/2025 07:51

Well done op.
People are mental on here.
Even if he was a police officer (which i doubt) noway should he have held your car door or been intimidating.
It does not give them license to be dicks.
And let's face it you can't trust the police anyway .
And it sounds pretty obvious no damage was done and noone actually saw the cars even touch.

Shade17 · 09/07/2025 07:54

Report it to your insurer with his reg details if you got them. As failure to inform is a thing in policies.
Also call 111 to verify police badge next time.

I’m not sure the NHS would be either interested or helpful in that situation TBF.

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