Page 25 | Unpleasant altercation - who was the most unreasonable?

zerofeeling · 2025-07-02T16:10:15+00:00

Took my dogs out today and was trying to park in a small space between two cars on a country lane. As I was inching back to fit into the space I heard a loud crunch 😖 The two men from the car behind had just set off on their walk, as I got out of my car one of them was heading back towards me shouting why did I try to park in such a small space. I said sorry and inspected the front of his car - couldn't see any damage at all, and apart from a tiny paint scuff nothing on my car. I said to him 'i can't see any damage, it doesn't look like I hit you' Man just glanced over at his car then asked me for my details, I asked is that necessary and said again there's no damage. He said that's not the point you have to give your details if you've been in a collision. He was much taller than me and sort of fronting up to me repeating that he wanted my details and me refusing, saying I don't think it was a collision, I think I might have hit something underneath my car. (For info my Mum and a friend have both been scammed on their insurance by people who claimed all kinds of things after very minor prangs) Then he took an ID wallet out of his pocket and flipped it open to show a photo and badge and said he's Police. I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. He held his phone up and said he's filming me refusing to comply with the law. By this time the other man had come back and also filming me and I started to worry - I'm in a secluded area, with two men who are much bigger than me. I told them I felt intimidated and are they trying to scam me? I got in my car and tried to shut the door but 1st man held onto it to prevent me. I asked if he's trying to detain me and he said no but I will if you don't give me your details, I've identified myself to you as a police officer. I said you've got no right to detain me. Eventually he let go of the door and I had to turn the car round as the lane is a dead end. Once I turned round he said again that I'm breaking the law by refusing to give my details after a collision and he started to recite the Caution they give when you're arrested! I drove away very shaken up, no idea what consequences to expect.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 05/07/2025 11:57

Nearlyspring23 · 05/07/2025 11:45

The thing I find challenging is that what most people on this thread seem to be focusing on is how the op was in the wrong for not giving details (I actually agree they should have given details) but that therefore they are then not justified in being nervous. That somehow if you react less than perfectly in a stressful situation you therefore don’t get to have any ability to also feel nervous and scared.

This is really worrying as so many women will be in dangerous situations after behaving less than perfectly, it doesn’t mean they then have to stick it out, take what’s coming and suck it up when they feel scared.

As women we all have to be really mindful not to peddle the idea that if you haven’t behaved perfectly you then don’t get to feel nervous. That if you feel scared you need to stay as if you don’t people will berate you for being wickle females. That if you get yourself out of a challenging situation you will then be accused of trying to flee your responsibility. This is all such damaging views to be pushing, it gets into the back of minds and makes us question even more so our reactions in challenging situations.

The situation the op found themselves in would have been full of knee jerk reactions on both sides. Possibly bumping a car will have got the adrenaline going for the outset, combined with feeling told off, not heard, scared at the repercussions, isolated, intimidated etc… All of those really complex feelings would have happened in the space of seconds and it is no surprise the OP fled and then needed some time to work out what on earth just happened and get advice on next steps. I suspect if the intimidation and isolation had been taken out of the mix the outcome may have been different (I.e. not feeling like the only choice is to run).

It’s very possible that both parties acted incorrectly. Op for not giving details, the police men for filming a lone woman in an isolated area, reading rights and preventing access to safety. It’s just that the potential outcomes are vey different for both. For the policeman the worst possible outcome is financial via insurance excess. For a woman in this situation the worst possible outcome is a threat to self. This should always be acknowledged and understood, especially by other women.

I think that at the beginning the OP had lots of support for how to deal with an intimidating situation. Some 20 pages ago I suggested that her best action was to lock herself inside her car and telephone the police for advice and help.

Things have fallen apart for the OP's position simply because her arguments effectively put her above the laws of our country.

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 12:02

Anotherparkingthread · 05/07/2025 11:57

I actually think this is downright wrong, it plays the oh no I'm a helpless woman card, belittles womens experiences who have actually been in dangerous situations and is basically as good as saying any man who tries to speak to me, even if I'm directly damaging his property, is probably a rapist/attacker.

Are we devolving into a world where men won't be allowed to speak to women at all? He wasn't alone either, there was another man there. The man identified himself as police, I presume if you were flustered he thought it might reassure you.

If it had been two female police offers walking their dog off duty who's car you hit, would you still have driven off? I think so. It's not about being intimidated is it. It's about not wanting to face any consequences for your actions. Arguably which you have made much worse, because I honestly think a bump while parking your car was hardly going to interrupt your life, but fleeing and then trying to report a police officer who hasn't done anything wrong, absolutely will. You've made a non event into an absolute ordeal for yourself.

This is really well said.

ClaredeBear · 05/07/2025 12:04

I absolutely think this was the police. Irrespective of the rights and wrongs of this scenario, you should call the police and let them know what happened. Be clear that you felt very intimidated over a seemingly minor incident. You can then provide your details to the police.

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 12:10

ClaredeBear · 05/07/2025 12:04

I absolutely think this was the police. Irrespective of the rights and wrongs of this scenario, you should call the police and let them know what happened. Be clear that you felt very intimidated over a seemingly minor incident. You can then provide your details to the police.

You can read all of the OP’s posts which will bring you up to date.

FighterPilotSwifts · 05/07/2025 12:11

I don't think OP doing something wrong negates her right to feel scared and flee a potentially dangerous situation.
He tried to stop her from closing the car door!
It sounds like OP has done the right thing, it has been reported and she has made a complaint about him.
Women are already socially conditioned to be nice to the detriment of themselves. I can't believe that lots of people are saying to OP that she should have ignored her fear and that she is in the wrong. Sarah Everard may have felt that she had done something wrong as well.

Waitfortheguinness · 05/07/2025 12:42

MrsKateColumbo · 02/07/2025 17:26

There could easily be unseen damage to the bumper, you were a bit of a CF, you heard a loud crunch, ime scraping for e.g. a rock is a definite scrape sound, crunch will be you hitting them. I would be annoyed at you as well.

Definitely, modern bumpers are designed to absorb any impact. At a relatively low speed (when parking) it’s possible the driver didn’t feel any impact. The outside bumper will often “pop” back out, but there could be damage to the fittings that you don’t see.
no justification for not giving out drivers details, even if the others were being arsey.

GlitteryRainbow · 05/07/2025 13:17

What about the loud noise? Which must be why the two men returned to the car in the first place.

GlitteryRainbow · 05/07/2025 13:23

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 10:04

Given that there's no evidence a collision even occurred it certainly would be petty to penalise someone for reporting within the required 24 hours.

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Surely the loud noise that attracted the two men back in the first place is evidence of a collision. Unless, you have since got round to checking and found evidence to the contrary.

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 13:25

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 11:40

No contact so far from his insurance company. He looked up my address later through my reg plate so they could have come to arrest me at any time. Instead he chose to continue to abuse his position which has led to me making a formal complaint against him.

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He's continued to abuse his position? Presumably he's used his police powers to contact you because you left the scene of an accident?

GlitteryRainbow · 05/07/2025 13:31

Nearlyspring23 · 05/07/2025 11:45

The thing I find challenging is that what most people on this thread seem to be focusing on is how the op was in the wrong for not giving details (I actually agree they should have given details) but that therefore they are then not justified in being nervous. That somehow if you react less than perfectly in a stressful situation you therefore don’t get to have any ability to also feel nervous and scared.

This is really worrying as so many women will be in dangerous situations after behaving less than perfectly, it doesn’t mean they then have to stick it out, take what’s coming and suck it up when they feel scared.

As women we all have to be really mindful not to peddle the idea that if you haven’t behaved perfectly you then don’t get to feel nervous. That if you feel scared you need to stay as if you don’t people will berate you for being wickle females. That if you get yourself out of a challenging situation you will then be accused of trying to flee your responsibility. This is all such damaging views to be pushing, it gets into the back of minds and makes us question even more so our reactions in challenging situations.

The situation the op found themselves in would have been full of knee jerk reactions on both sides. Possibly bumping a car will have got the adrenaline going for the outset, combined with feeling told off, not heard, scared at the repercussions, isolated, intimidated etc… All of those really complex feelings would have happened in the space of seconds and it is no surprise the OP fled and then needed some time to work out what on earth just happened and get advice on next steps. I suspect if the intimidation and isolation had been taken out of the mix the outcome may have been different (I.e. not feeling like the only choice is to run).

It’s very possible that both parties acted incorrectly. Op for not giving details, the police men for filming a lone woman in an isolated area, reading rights and preventing access to safety. It’s just that the potential outcomes are vey different for both. For the policeman the worst possible outcome is financial via insurance excess. For a woman in this situation the worst possible outcome is a threat to self. This should always be acknowledged and understood, especially by other women.

If the op had just cooperated in the first place, I.e. exchanged contact and insurance details as she should have done then maybe there wouldn’t have been an issue.

I don’t agree with the behaviour of the two men but OP didn’t follow the law If she didn’t want to give details to them she could have said she was going to a police station (assuming she could actually find one open to the public, but that’s a different thread) and given her details there.

Original poster

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 13:38

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 13:25

He's continued to abuse his position? Presumably he's used his police powers to contact you because you left the scene of an accident?

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No, he's abused his police powers to harass me over an incident in which he's personally involved. So I've made a formal complaint against him.

OP posts:

Oakcupboard · 05/07/2025 13:48

I knew they would be police by the bully boy behaviour you described 🙄 I posted in here a few years ago about a police man trying to abuse his power with me, I was roasted for it but the police ombudsman sided with me. He tried to use his physical size to intimidate me (6ft 6 vs 5ft) - btw I committed no crime, he was on a power trip.

I’ve also witnessed police officers trying to intimidate women in court over a traffic stop. Whispering, laughing and pointing amongst themselves while waiting to go in.

report them

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:08

Police officers and surgeons. Some of the most horrible psychopaths.

Original poster

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 14:22

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:08

Police officers and surgeons. Some of the most horrible psychopaths.

Yes. Despite repeated scandals it's still not well understood that certain people gravitate to these professions because they offer great opportunities for them to hurt other people, especially women.

OP posts:

Chiseltip · 05/07/2025 14:26

FighterPilotSwifts · 05/07/2025 12:11

I don't think OP doing something wrong negates her right to feel scared and flee a potentially dangerous situation.
He tried to stop her from closing the car door!
It sounds like OP has done the right thing, it has been reported and she has made a complaint about him.
Women are already socially conditioned to be nice to the detriment of themselves. I can't believe that lots of people are saying to OP that she should have ignored her fear and that she is in the wrong. Sarah Everard may have felt that she had done something wrong as well.

Don't use the memory of Sarah as a get out clause.

That's disgusting.

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 14:31

You say harass, he'd probably say trying to get you to admit you hit his car and drove off

Original poster

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 14:33

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 14:31

You say harass, he'd probably say trying to get you to admit you hit his car and drove off

Nope, wrong again. At least you're consistent I suppose.

OP posts:

FighterPilotSwifts · 05/07/2025 14:38

Chiseltip · 05/07/2025 14:26

Don't use the memory of Sarah as a get out clause.

That's disgusting.

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What do you mean? Can you explain please?

Profpudding · 05/07/2025 15:47

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 13:25

He's continued to abuse his position? Presumably he's used his police powers to contact you because you left the scene of an accident?

Show quote history

Make sure that’s part of your complaint because every single time they look up numberplates, it’s lodged and they need to give a damn good reason to do it

SeriousFaffing · 05/07/2025 15:59

zerofeeling · 04/07/2025 10:44

This is a good example of what I just mentioned - people trying to have a go at me and excuse these men. It's a shock to see on a predominantly female site.

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@zerofeeling Don’t think you have answered this question yet - did you notify your insurance company??

cherrycherrypickin · 05/07/2025 16:22

Are you going to tell us or just go round in circles for another 100 pages? I thought it was a "very important update".

MoominUnderWater · 05/07/2025 17:35

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 10:54

Except that they were being intimidating by shouting, putting a phone camera in my face instead of taking like a normal person, trying to prevent me from shutting my car door and then reading me my rights as if he was arresting me.

Of course my account isn't going to be completely objective but I've given an honest account of his/their behaviour and four days later I still think it's totally unacceptable.

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The story grows with every telling 😂. Didn’t sound that bad in the OP. I mean the OP even started the thread asking who’d been the most unreasonable……indicating she thought she may have been more unreasonable 🤷‍♀️. I assume she thought her unreasonableness stemmed from refusing to give details and driving off.

Original poster

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 17:57

MoominUnderWater · 05/07/2025 17:35

The story grows with every telling 😂. Didn’t sound that bad in the OP. I mean the OP even started the thread asking who’d been the most unreasonable……indicating she thought she may have been more unreasonable 🤷‍♀️. I assume she thought her unreasonableness stemmed from refusing to give details and driving off.

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Everything I said there is in my OP. Yes, I did want to get an idea of how unreasonable people thought I'd been in refusing to give my details to him compared with his behaviour to me. The majority think I was BU - I can live with that but I don't agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

zerofeeling · 05/07/2025 17:58

SeriousFaffing · 05/07/2025 15:59

@zerofeeling Don’t think you have answered this question yet - did you notify your insurance company??

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Yes of course

OP posts:

MoominUnderWater · 05/07/2025 18:20

Not really. Originally he just started filming, then later on he was being intimidating and shoving a camera in your face. The story has grown in the telling. I’m still not sure what he’s done which is “abusive”, is that the secret thing you can’t share?