Wish I had married for money...

[HotYellow887]

...since having a baby. DH has a very noble, enjoyable career that pays very little. Great for everyone except his family. I have the stressful, long hours, yet boring corporate career that pays really well. I'm from a very poor background, I am proud of what I have achieved and financial security is important to me. When it comes to DH, money never crossed my mind. Until I got pregnant.

Queue 9 months of hell, birth, had to go back to work early as we had just bought a house, so I was pumping and breastfeeding and working 24/7. DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings. If anything, I find myself having to juggle HIS career as it can be odd hours etc whereas my seniority buys me a lot of flexibility.

Basically, I'd love someone to take care of me for once. Just take one thing off my plate. I wish I could take a year out to be with my small child without blasting through my own savings. I wish I had listened to my mother when she warned me that having babies is going to be much much harder on me than him (in response to me once saying what a wonderful father DH will make LOL).

The resentment is seeping in. Maybe it's not about the money. If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different. But atm I feel I am giving him a wonderful life without enough work from him tbh. Maybe I've just answered my own dilemma, I don't know.

🌺 sorry OP. I have no suggestions. But I understand why you feel this way

Doesn’t sound like it’s about the money. Everyone needs to pull their weight when there are children involved. He should be juggling his own damn career and supporting his child- either financially or physically by being a present and available parent. It’s a balancing act and I don’t think the money is the issue here. You’d be just as resentful if you were taking a year off to be with your child and just because your partner was supporting you financially he didn’t change a nappy or make a meal!

It sounds as though he either needs to seriously step up at home around his odd hours of work so that he’s taking on most of the load that you can’t, or he needs to find a job which doesn’t involve odd hours and preferably pays better.

Either way, you need to be really clear with him how you feel: he’s not being supportive enough, if he were then you wouldn’t feel so let down by his lack of financial contribution.

Until I had kids I thought we lived in an equal world but unfortunately when it comes to pregnancy and especially young babies we don't. I remember going back to work after mat leave and at about 5pm physically yearning with full, painful breasts as I hadn't had time to pump, every part of me wanting to get back. Men don't go through that!

It does get easier but maybe you should talk to your husband before you resent him too much.

The few people I know who "married for money" had to divorce before they could get control of any of it.

I did. Turned out he didn’t have any

Tell him he needs to step up more. That he retrains if need be.

Sounds like it can’t continue the way it is for much longer ..

Hi @HotYellow887
I would say your partner needs to step up financially (so that you can perhaps shift down a gear and consider career break or part time).

If that isn't an option, they need to step up with the other things you are juggling e.g. who does loon's share of childcare, housework, food shopping, meal prep?

You sound tired and as if resent building? You need to communicate this all to DP and ask them to step up specifically with whatever works for you. You do need time to bond with the baby and also time for yourself. You need to block off that time and decide how you can do that as those sound like your priorities.

Nothing changes if you seethe and dont say x

I think it is about balance, he either needs to be earning more or be an excellent hands on dad who you don’t have to juggle your more lucrative work around. At the moment he is fulfilling neither brief so it’s completely understandable that you are fed up.

OP a good summer read is Consider Yourself Kissed. Perhaps give it to your husband after you’ve read it.

if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want him to tell you to step up and earn more? Does he work full time, does he pull his weight? I am the lower earner by far but I still work FT. Our home life is shared between us

I’m guessing he’s a nurse or HCA or similar, maybe a TA, or something which is a ‘calling’. The thing is that these jobs are both all consuming, hard work, mentally gruelling but also really underpaid. It could be that he is getting off on the endorphins of the feel good part of the job, I was also addicted to these. It’s really hard to describe if you’ve not worked in these fields. Basically people like us make terrible partners.
My friend’s DH is a leading voice in a specialist field, he has a podcast and is well known for advocacy of a particular condition. She see’s him about twice a week and is left to do everything. Yet all she hears is ‘your DH is a hero’ ‘he’s so brave’ etc etc. His job also pays nothing, it’s mostly charity work and the odd free trip abroad. Sound familiar?
What I will say is that you need to straight up tell him that you will not do this alone. I wouldn’t say about the money, especially if he is full time. We need low paid workers. We need HCAs and TAs and motivated care workers. It’s tough when it’s all on you but you chose him, not a boring money man.

I take it that after mat leave you'll both working ft? If so, I'm not sure what the issue is? Surely you knew his salary when you married him? Guessing you're the higher earner here? Again, you would have known all of this.

@Eatingallthebountys Why do people in the jobs you describe make "terrible partners"?

Money doesn't go as far as it did. Is his earning average for the country and his age and working full time. I ask as maybe he earns okay and you earn really well.

I married for love - a man who I told myself didn’t need to earn equal to or more than me

I regret it many ways and yes very much resented his lack of ambition towards the end. Now divorced and he contributes little to no CMS

I married for money in the sense that I wouldn't have married him if he had been a skint freeloader. Still ended up divorcing but there you go.

Poor bloke!

YANBU I was back when my first was 4 months & everyone was off for another 7 months. We were really broke too even though I was back. Our pensions aren’t huge either. However you are lucky you earn well. So you should have a decent joint income.

Smacks of sexism to me tbh... I earn more than my husband (I have professional qualifications whereas he has none) and why not? He works in social care so not a high earner but he also shares the load equally re childcare/housework etc. Swings and roundabouts.

This is exactly what I was about to say. When women post and are the lower earner despite working full time they are told it doesn’t matter their salary, the same applies here. As long as you’re both working full time it’s really not fair to make this about finances. Earning less doesn’t mean you “owe” more at home if you’re both working full time, it should all be shared equally.

It’s the sharing of the home stuff and actually being a partner that you need to focus on OP, I presume you knew he wasn’t the next Jeff Bezos when you married him and decided to have a baby so holding that against him now is really unfair. We have a 1 year old, currently pregnant with baby number 2 and genuinely if I was asked to list the things my husband did for me/us during pregnancy/postpartum/mum life which made my life easier, made me feel supported and took things off my plate then truly money wouldn’t even make the top 10. Money doesn’t make a good partner, time & effort does.

You need to be honest about how hard you've worked to earn money, he needs to up his game, invest in himself, it'll be the difference between a good life and one spent pissed off.
I don't think yabu.
Probably should have realised it earlier, but it isn't too late.

I don’t think the “this is who he was when you met and who he’s always been so expecting him to change is unfair” concept is good enough. Life changes. Part of being an adult is changing with it, when you need to. Nobody should get to insist that they shouldn’t ever have to change their work, their lifestyle, and their approach to money when life has changed and what they’ve always done is no longer appropriate for or supportive of their changed life. He can’t simply carry on simultaneously being the lower earner whilst also not pulling his weight at home, so that OP is left shouldering both loads. People, whatever their job and income, are only rubbish partners if they choose to be: good partners think “my partner is really stressed and carrying the weight, what can I do to take some of that on board for them?”

Respectfully OP, if you were in the high flying, well paid job you make out then I’d expect two things - 1. A decent length of paid maternity leave and 2. In the absence of 1, healthy savings from said well paid job.

My salary is nothing special - with bonus I usually take home c.£75/80,000 a year, and even I managed to save enough to take off 6 months following my first 6 months paid maternity.

Your husband sounds a good working man and father and you shouldn’t take your frustrations with yourself out on him.

@ComtesseDeSpair But the OP has titled this re marrying for money. I think that's the issue. OP - correct me if I'm wrong? Would you be happy if your husband still remains on his salary but does more to make the load at home/with childcare equal?