Wish I had married for money...

[HotYellow887]

...since having a baby. DH has a very noble, enjoyable career that pays very little. Great for everyone except his family. I have the stressful, long hours, yet boring corporate career that pays really well. I'm from a very poor background, I am proud of what I have achieved and financial security is important to me. When it comes to DH, money never crossed my mind. Until I got pregnant.

Queue 9 months of hell, birth, had to go back to work early as we had just bought a house, so I was pumping and breastfeeding and working 24/7. DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings. If anything, I find myself having to juggle HIS career as it can be odd hours etc whereas my seniority buys me a lot of flexibility.

Basically, I'd love someone to take care of me for once. Just take one thing off my plate. I wish I could take a year out to be with my small child without blasting through my own savings. I wish I had listened to my mother when she warned me that having babies is going to be much much harder on me than him (in response to me once saying what a wonderful father DH will make LOL).

The resentment is seeping in. Maybe it's not about the money. If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different. But atm I feel I am giving him a wonderful life without enough work from him tbh. Maybe I've just answered my own dilemma, I don't know.

She’s said “DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings” and “if he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different.” I’m not getting the impression he’s partner and dad of the year.

1. I did not expect pregnancy to hit so hard. Working the kind of hours I have to work, with what happened to me when pregnant, was pretty impossible and it affected performance and promotion prospects. I was in and out of hospital which not only affected my hours/money I brought in but it meant clients went to other people and that's hard to reverse.

And 2. I guess money feels like an easy fix in comparison to trying to change DH fundamentally. i.e. he can get a higher paid job, realistically, to give me some breathing space, versus trying to change as a human which is not going to happen is it?

There’s more to life than money, OP. What a sad existence..

It seems that even if your DH had an income that satisfied you then you’d still be in a shit marriage and unhappy. Money isn’t the issue here, it’s the element you’ve chosen to believe would solve the issue.

@HotYellow887what does he do for a job?

The thing is OP, that you actually HAVE savings, so you could afford to take time off to spend with your baby, but your financial security appears to be more important to you. As someone else who really values financial security, I can see where you're coming from, but if you took time off to be with your baby, and burned through your savings, would your job still be held open for you? If so, then I think you should take some time off now. Although money is important, the fact that you have been a high earner up to now, and presumably can be again, means that you should be able to save up again, but having this time with your baby, is precious, and so if you have the money to do it, I would.

As a matter of interest, did it not cross your mind that money might be tight when you took maternity leave, especially as you had just bought a new house? Did you not make any plans for this?

It sounds like you actually resent your DH because you weren't in a position to take the time off that you wanted to take, is that the case?

I think you need to sit down with your DH, and talk calmly about how you're feeling, or better still, sit and write down how you feel, as that way you're less likely to say something in the heat of the moment, that makes the whole thing blow up in your face. Tell him what it is you want from him, ie, do you want him to change his job and earn more, because you feel the responsibility of being the major earner and a mother is too much, and wish you could take a less stressful job, while still being able to keep the same lifestyle? Do you want to sell the house and get something with a smaller mortgage, so that you can cut back your hours? Do you want him to do more at home, so that when you get home, you can actually have time to sit down and play with your baby when you get in from work? Do you work much longer hours than him? If so, do you want to cut back on your hours? You really need to discuss with him EXACTLY what the problem is, and ideally propose a solution, rather than sailing into an argument when you're not clear about what you actually want.

@HotYellow887 If it was that easy to just "go and get a higher paid" job, surely we'd all be doing it?! Whereas stepping up at home/with childcare is easily within his control.
You would probably also find that if he did have a higher paid job with more responsibility outside of his actual work hours he would do less at home, not more.
Didn't you know his job/salary before you married him?

I've been married to both a very well-off man and a far less well-off one. The very well-off one is my ex. My life is immeasurably happier with my second husband than it ever was with my first.

I think you resent him because his life hasn't changed as much as yours and he doesn't sound like the type to be aware of your struggle in pregnancy and also, you can't rely on him to financially share the load evenly or even close to even, that's a lot of pressure on a new mother.
I would advise the game fair play which helps visualise the mental load of a home in a physical sense.

So he had the noble career when you married him, you liked it then, you don't like it now. Well, at least he's turned out to be the man you believed him to be.

Fact is if he had the brains, motivation, wherewithal… He’d have a better career, more money. More stress too, but still. Security.

My DH is well-read, funny, interested in politics, news, culture. Has loads of friends. He hasn’t got a clue with work or money.

I have to think about, organise absolutely everything. Or else it just wouldn’t happen. He’s crazy about DS, but lacks emotional maturity.

If we want to buy a house, get a car, go on holiday, it will be all me. There was a couple of other “good husband” guys before him…

I am 17 years into this. Having a baby totally blindsided me. There are times where resentment builds, it’s a lot of responsibility being the breadwinner. We both went part time for a while, a 4 day week massively helped me. I have been full time again for the last few years and since then DH (still part time) does EVERYTHING round the house. I never do laundry, wash up, mop or anything. I do still carry a fair bit of the organisational load but I hate housework and decorating and routine garden maintenance so it largely suits me. He is also around to take care of any errands I or the kids need doing. I am glad I have kept my career and am proud about what I have earned and saved over the years. We live fairly frugally and so now work has gone shit, I plan to retire as soon as possible and have been shovelling into my pension for the last few years. DH will carry on working part time. I will find a more fulfilling way to spend my time. If that appeals to you both, it can work.

@Gowlettthat’s just… not true. Family support workers, unregistered mental health staff, TA’s working with high needs children, social prescribers, adult social care workers who do care act assessments and reviews. All highly talented, motivated, incredibly clever yet low paid. Whilst some CEO’s… well, connections, being a white male and sociopathy seem to be all you need.

Eatingallthebountys, that’s an absolutely fair point.
There’s many good careers that just don’t pay well.

@Eatingallthebountys So true! My husband is, as you listed, an adult social care worker who carries out care act assessments and reviews. The pay isn't great by any stretch but he is genuinely one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. He's also an exceptional dad.
Also, to further support your comments, my ex-husband owned his own business as a FD.

I suspect 90% of men in your position would put their work first and expect their much lower paid wife to take over most of the domestic load.

If he can’t do that around his job (you mention it being inflexible), maybe he needs to change job so he can make more effort domestically. After all yours is the job supporting the family.

Alternatively, you could look at selling the house, getting something cheaper and you move to a less well paid job that gives you more time at home. Then you share the domestic load 50/50.

What is not going to work is you doing more hours, more stress, carrying the financial load and ALSO being primary carer/homemaker. That’s a fast way to burn out and/or divorce.

Talk through the various options with him but he needs to understand that you carrying all the loads won’t work.

is this how men feel in relationships where they work long hours and are the main breadwinners? I suppose no one will
admit to not pulling their weight as a SAHM

So talk together about how you can both achieve your goals.

Could you work part time to enable more time with DC?
Could you find a smaller house or reduce outgoings to enable you to live on reduced pay without getting through savings so quickly?

I think it's a bit unfair to resent him for his job if that's always been his job and you knew that when having a baby. Presumably you made the decision to buy based on you being the higher earner too.

Best you leave this relationship now OP. Your DH deserves to be with someone who will respect him.

You may end up paying him maintenance, so get good legal advice.

I'm sure you won't have any issues finding a man to use for their money. But you will be competing with other women who don't have the responsibility of a child (well, part time, when it's your turn to have your child).

@everychildmattersits a role which takes incredible emotional intelligence, being good in a crisis, prioritising work load, dealing with people shouting in your face, trauma, mental health all of it! Well done to your DH

I think this is OP feeling under pressure, if she was in and out of hospital during pregnancy then she needed time to recuperate. The reality is pregnancy and breastfeeding have a higher toll on women, I don’t think that should be ignored, OP isn’t a robot, there is a real physical cost to childbearing and clearly OP has the worry of being the breadwinner as well plus it sounds like she has to be more flexible around the baby because her DH can’t. The reality is you either buy in help or DH steps up if there isn’t an equal division of labour.

Having a baby should be a two person job. OP how did you feel like he didn’t step up? First year of a baby can be really hard on a relationship, you have to figure out if you are being rational or not. I wanted to divorce my husband when I had PND, he did most of the nights too whilst working a full time job and I was at home. I was definitely not seeing clearly.

Honestly after years on mumsnet many a man basically does the least amount of the difficult shit they can get away with when it comes to kids. Of course you don’t hear about the ones who are normal parents and sharing the load fairly. But generally it’s men avoiding fully contributing time and effort to their families.

OP you need the same amount of downtime as your partner. If he works less hours job wise, he needs do more of the hours at home so you both have an equal load. I would start to guard your time more preciously and not pick up the slack he is leaving and being much less flexible around his work if it means you are inconvenienced in your work. You need to be more selfish to ensure you are not taken advantage of. This attitude will likely bring the issue to a head and then you can discuss it with DH. To raise it now as ‘I need more help from you’ is personally not the approach I would take. The baby belongs to both of you, it is no more you needing help from him than him needing help from you. Start by engineering situations to ensure you don’t do more than he does and watch things fail - preferably things where he will feel the impact more. This will not change you being the main income earner which cannot be fixed easily but if he is pulling his weight you may feel differently about that. He might also realise independently his job is part of the problem if you no longer bend backwards to work around it.

MN is full of women working part time / lower level job, being supported financially by a man with a Big Job. And this is perceived as a good thing

So, why is it so terrible if it's the other way round?

Personally, I prefer equality where both parents earn around the same for working sinilar hours

I agree, OP. I'm tired of it & would have made a different choice. I married the 'nuce guy' who does everything for everyone else, except us.

I now work for a family member's DH. Relative works there too, as does child. Comes & goes as she pleases & dictated what work she'll do. Just says no to tasks. She just bought a vacuum worth 3 months of my salary. Yesterday was the clincher. It was my dad & aunt's birthday (Same day). They, and their DS who works there, marched past my office to go to a family lunch. I couldn't go because I can't afford the time off work. They're also off every school hols on holiday & 4 weeks overseas each year.

SIL (DH's sister) is retiring at 53 soon, and they can travel the world thanks to her DH contributing equally.

For the record, before DC I was the higher earner, and my income paid our house off. My pension will mean we can retire at 60. I'd be the higher earner now if I could get out from under school hours, but DH refuses to leave his comfortable, easy job. It's an in demand professional career where he could earn double what he does, easily, but doesn't want the demands that brings.

I don't think money is the issue here, the issue is him not stepping up and supporting you on the domestic/child-rearing front.

I can understand how resentment has set in and you should address this head on.

But marrying for money would be a nightmare. You're totally beholden to someone in this situation. Be careful what you wish for.