Wish I had married for money...

[HotYellow887]

...since having a baby. DH has a very noble, enjoyable career that pays very little. Great for everyone except his family. I have the stressful, long hours, yet boring corporate career that pays really well. I'm from a very poor background, I am proud of what I have achieved and financial security is important to me. When it comes to DH, money never crossed my mind. Until I got pregnant.

Queue 9 months of hell, birth, had to go back to work early as we had just bought a house, so I was pumping and breastfeeding and working 24/7. DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings. If anything, I find myself having to juggle HIS career as it can be odd hours etc whereas my seniority buys me a lot of flexibility.

Basically, I'd love someone to take care of me for once. Just take one thing off my plate. I wish I could take a year out to be with my small child without blasting through my own savings. I wish I had listened to my mother when she warned me that having babies is going to be much much harder on me than him (in response to me once saying what a wonderful father DH will make LOL).

The resentment is seeping in. Maybe it's not about the money. If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different. But atm I feel I am giving him a wonderful life without enough work from him tbh. Maybe I've just answered my own dilemma, I don't know.

My life is immeasurably happier with my second husband than it ever was with my first

and yet even this latest one is squirrelling money away from you @everychildmatters . You deserve better love! 💐

@Smoothout Not really when it went on a holiday. On a plane 😀

I suspect OP was told by the feminists and the hypocritical boomers that she would find ultimate fulfilment in her career. Only for that to very suddenly look different when biological reality hits.

@GermaneRomaine So why can't she derive fulfilment from both in the same same way many other men and women do?

The whole "have it all" thing may work for some but for many others it's an impossible goal leaving women feeling like failures in both arenas.

@GermaneRomaine So what's the difference between men working and having a family and women?

Yanbu

Biology has something to do with it. Just bear in mind the thread we are on before you start.

In purely practical terms, it would probably be a lot easier for him to go part time and take on more responsibility for running the home, with defined areas of work that are his to manage and do, than it would be for him to switch career into something that pays better from day 1.

This is not 'the other way round'.

OP is essentially facilitating DH, as he's the one with the unpredictable hours and is also not stepping up at home. I've not seen many threads where the male higher earner is picking up more of the slack to enable the woman in her career. It's generally vice versa. The balance is off here.

Then there's also the physical impact of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. OP clearly found (is still finding maybe, can't tell if still bf) these to be extremely hard on her. This cannot be wished away. Her exhaustion makes it all the more significant that her husband isn't doing his bit domestically.

Don't have another child with a man who brings so little to the table.

You are now parenting two children which gets old very quickly.

You need to be very honest with him because he thinks coasting along is fine.

Spell it out for him.

Personally I wouldn't dreamt of having a child with a man who couldn't provide and didn't 100% pull his weight.

Having children and providing for them is too hard a slog to be doing with a man child.

Do not get pregnant again with him.

@smoothout That comment from everchildmatters won't make sense to you as she thinks you are me. Anyone who notices the contradictions is automatically me in her world, even though you can't have two different usernames on one thread as it populates the name.

OP you are double burdened along with so many other women these days which is why studies are showing women are unhappier than ever. He needs to find better paying work that isn't odd hours and start pulling his weight at home too. How exhausting for you.

Wise words

@GermaneRomaine No - I don't accept that a woman can't do both just as well as a man can "due to biology."

OK. I'm not fussed either way what you think. I'm just saying what my opinion is.

@GermaneRomaine Well surely that's the point of a debate?!! 😄

Well, yes - but without advancing much in the way of counter argument "no, I don't accept that" there wasn't so much to debate with! :)

So much for women's equality! You've made a couple of errors such as having a babu soon after a house purchase. Savings are meant for a rainy day. Could you buy some annual leave for example, pay for a cleaner? I assume DH is a teacher or paramedic and you feel unable to tell us that because you know you will get flamed. Also stop worrying about the small stuff. Get a cleaner and a regular online supermarket delivery and get organised with a rota for washing etc. You sound quite lucky to me.

I did, husband is also very decent and I don't have kids or much to worry about.
However, since hitting certain age, I started to really want to live my life on my own and by my own terms.
At the moment, there is still one elderly (abusive) parent alive in my country of origin and that's what's stopping me from exiting quietly and amicably into my own settings.
We always want something that feels unreachable!

I remember when my kids were born my ex and I worked opposite shifts so that one of us could always be with them. Quite literally I worked 1st shift while she had the kids by day, and she worked 2nd shift while I had them in evenings and nights. Sure, its not great for your relationship with your spouse, but if youre already solid, it works great. We made up for it on weekends, going everywhere together all weekend long, side by side. And sure, occasionally we'd have a weekend sitter so we could have dates occasionally. But it wasn't that often.