Wish I had married for money...

[HotYellow887]

...since having a baby. DH has a very noble, enjoyable career that pays very little. Great for everyone except his family. I have the stressful, long hours, yet boring corporate career that pays really well. I'm from a very poor background, I am proud of what I have achieved and financial security is important to me. When it comes to DH, money never crossed my mind. Until I got pregnant.

Queue 9 months of hell, birth, had to go back to work early as we had just bought a house, so I was pumping and breastfeeding and working 24/7. DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings. If anything, I find myself having to juggle HIS career as it can be odd hours etc whereas my seniority buys me a lot of flexibility.

Basically, I'd love someone to take care of me for once. Just take one thing off my plate. I wish I could take a year out to be with my small child without blasting through my own savings. I wish I had listened to my mother when she warned me that having babies is going to be much much harder on me than him (in response to me once saying what a wonderful father DH will make LOL).

The resentment is seeping in. Maybe it's not about the money. If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different. But atm I feel I am giving him a wonderful life without enough work from him tbh. Maybe I've just answered my own dilemma, I don't know.

I think you did answer your own dilemma in the opening post. You need more from him one way or another. Making it all about money to begin with probably won’t lead to the most productive conversation.

With him, open up the convo by saying you’re really struggling atm and please can he step in and do more for a while and you’ll reassess with him a month or two. You need a proper break, to begin with, and you need something taken entirely off your plate for a bit. Try not to blame, even if you see he’s doing way less it’s sounds like he’s trying and maybe doesn’t realise how hard it all is on you.

for yourself, fix a therapy session plus one purely nice thing every week (I’d go for a massage, but whatever works for you). You say you have savings so even if this isn’t strictly affordable just do it for a few months. You had an awful pregnancy and baby phase is brutal so just do what you need now and trust that you’ll make back the few thousand or whatever soon enough when you’re on solid ground again.

I totally get the feeling about just wanting someone else to bring the money in or sort out the household stuff so you don’t have to hold it all yourself all of the time and you’d actually be able to enjoy spending more time with your little one. Totally natural. I just don’t think you’ll have much luck if you suddenly expect him to change his values / career focus. He might be able to step up in that way but it would be a big change and he’d be reasonable to need time to get there.

Maybe time to say that having a baby has made you realise that what he's bringing to the table is not enough. And you need more, he either needs to step up career wise and improve his earnings or he steps it up home wise and perhaps becomes more a SAHD?

Or whatever it is that you need from him. You're meant to be a partnership, a team, it cant all be on you. You cant be the one bringing home the bacon, cooking it, serving it, cleaning it and feeding the baby on the side. He needs to step up.

So unhelpful! 😂🙄

@ChocolateGanache What I'm saying is she knew all of this before she married him and had a baby with him. It's not as if he had an incredibly well paid job and then took on a low paid job or anything like that?

Op who earns more hasn't affected us are you in love with each other

You did it the right way round at least!

@Blueberrycake12 Absolutely. I was only 24 when I first married and definitely learned by making that mistake! 40 when I married again so far older, wiser, and much more independent. There is something fantastically liberating about not needing a man in your life but wanting one.

Seems that you have some fundamental issues in your partnership that need addressing. First: communication. The fact that you are on this page rather than talking to him about all this is a big problem - as is the fact he apparently either cannot tell you are distressed/frustrated, and that this issue has been building up for quite sometime without either of you having a conversation about it that's adequate to resolve the issue.
Second: do you have fundamentally different value systems? Presumably he was doing his noble and not very well paid job before you got together and was living just fine on the proceeds. What about your lifestyle means that you all need the much larger salary that your job brings in? Do you have different spending habits and life style needs? If so, again, that's another big difference.
Third: What's stopping him from getting a better paying job? If you want more balance then has he offered to get a job that pays more money? If not, why not? Sadly there are far too many people who say one thing but are actually thinking another (We all know people who say "don't worry" or "there's no problem" when actually there is. The classic being a woman saying "I don't want anything for mother's day/birthday/valentines" while secretly hoping the partner will actually get them something...that's doomed to failure, but is a situation that happens all the time.

If you want something then ask for it. In this case, talk to your husband, make the situation clear, and present the solution to him in as polite/kind way as possible while still making your point.

And for other women out there who haven't figured this out yet: You must expect that having a baby will be difficult! Assume it will be more difficult than you have anticipated!!! Prepare for the fact you may have different feelings about the situation over time.

Society has failed if women are using men as a bank, is this what we are teaching daughters?

Independence is great, but deep down we all really want to be looked after. We want a partner who will have our back. Feeling that everything in on you is exhausting

I would talk to your DH and ask him to step up his game in terms of financial ambition. That is absolutely possible—but he needs to realize that he has to sort it out, and that this is important, so you have to communicate.

It is really hard to be the breadwinner and to be heavily pregnant and/or postpartum and/or mothering little kids. Almost every woman I know who has this relationship/financial dynamic is at least mildly resentful.

I have been in this position - my lovely DH eventually found a better paying job, although it took a while and a lot of stress.

I would also say that the first few years of parenthood are very hard on a marriage, but if you can work as a team you will get through it.

When it comes down to it, so many women actually don't want equality.

Yeah just tell him to get a better job....like it's that easy in the current economic climate. It sounds like he is doing his best to provide but truth is most couples both have to work to pay the bills. As you say he's a decent guy so getting all icky about money doesn't sit well with me.

So why is expected women get this? Are they more snowflakes than men?

It really feels lie society is going backwards and I feel sad for the next generation of daughters whose only role in life is breeding and being cared for by a man, i have more sef respect than that

I dont know what is the point of schooling for daughters nor college nor uni? What is the point?

Yes they do. They want a bloke who puts in equal effort. That can be defined in different ways, but a bloke who earns less than his wife and does less childcare and housework is not putting in equal effort.

It's not so terrible, at least it shouldn't be.
The problem is that in a lot of relationships, like the OP's and mine included, the man will just not pick up the slack at home - it doesn't sound like he does 50% (my DH certainly doesn't!). And usually whoever is the higher earner will work more hours (although not always).
So the real issue imo is not the amount of money each brings but the overall balance of life's responsibilities falling in one person way too much.

Wtf 75/80 take home is now “nothing special” and “even I managed to save”. This really is a parallel universe.

What if a bloke expressed that sentiment?

OP my DH let me carry the load, we are in our 50s now and the resentment and is there, I had a few divorce moments throughout and I still have them now.

I’ve been the bigger earner and the main parent and household person for that entire marriage, I made that choice on some level I enjoyed the challenge and I decided he was worth bringing along for the ride.

Now the DS are older I’m career changing to a much lower paid role and his panic is real, it’s a huge drop and 3 years at uni, I’ve told him it’s over to him now.

I just wanted to remind you throughout you have choices, you have the financial security that most don’t. But please talk to him tell him how you feel.

My DH stepped up when I had a breakdown, if I’m ever sick, he’s a fantastic dad and loves and cares for us all but my god his earnings are awful and his ambition is zero. I do find myself looking at friends husbands earnings with envy.

Be more selfish. Tell him what you need. Tell him he is not meeting his potential and you don't want to carry him.

I dumped my under-performing but very nice ex husband, he had a slower pace than I did. However what I learned is: life is harder for women. Mysogyny and biology take its toll on us, it's difficult for women to maintain momentum while juggling caring duties, menopause, mysogyny, jealousy and pay inequality. My ex and I now (12 years later) earn the same amount. I now WFH and am the default parent in times of emergency or sickness or school holidays. It works well, but the reality is, I have put more into getting to where we are and I m not getting more out of life. I won't get a slice of his pension when I m older, even though I took all the career hits when the children were younger.

There might be equal pay (there isn't really), but there is no equity in life. Life is still harder for women. I still wouldn't marry for money though. Men just don't realise that life is harder for women, and I don't think women fully realise it either until they have the lived experience.

Are there any positives to his career that could free you up in the future eg if he works shifts, could he do night shifts and all school drop offs/ pick ups? Same with evening work. If he works in a school, that is you covered for holiday childcare which is a nightmare for most working parents. These are things that might not affect you while the baby is young, but get more important as they start school.

I am just trying to find the other perspective, as both of you in more corporate roles might not necessarily make your life easier, especially if he feels like he is making up for lost time.

Says the one who thinks £70/80k is "okay".

Have you ever brought up him looking for a better paid job? Realistically how easy would it be for him to get a significantly better paid job though?

Some carers simply will never reach the pay level of corporate type jobs even if that person progresses and works hard.

I think it's unfair to expect him to leave something he enjoys if hes working full time, you can definitely ask him to pull his weight more though. Tell him your struggling.

Unpopular opinion:
I would be very fucked off in your position and be carefully considering divorce NOW.

Children change everything pretty much.
And in any divorce you will be treated as "the man" due to earrings despite motherhood penalty etc.
Divorce seeks to created equity, most women dont outplay the system in any way and are lower earners therefore receive higher portions of equity.

Have the convo now today about finances/ pressure you face, the lack of "value add" and his need to step up.
If he isnt upping his contributions to running the house / carrying mental load and / or increasing his earrings... I would work out how much of a deal breaker it is and if it was a deal breaker I'd exit the marriage ASAP.

If you linger and do it in 10 years you will be very sorry and handing over a serious chunk of your accumulated wealth.
My aunt ended up doing a 60/40 split in favour of my financially ruinous uncle after 25 years. V painful and she couldn't retire until 67

How many blokes are the higher earner AND picking up most of the household/kids stuff? And flexing their working days around a lower earning wife?

Having someone's back isn't just about bringing in cash. It is about feeling supported and having your emotional needs met. It is knowing that after a long day, you will get home and someone else has thought ahead about what to have for dinner, or dealt with bath/bedtime etc. It is knowing that you can rely on someone else and not have to think for them. It is feeling that you are equal partners in the relationship, even if you both contribute in different ways.