Wish I had married for money...

[HotYellow887]

...since having a baby. DH has a very noble, enjoyable career that pays very little. Great for everyone except his family. I have the stressful, long hours, yet boring corporate career that pays really well. I'm from a very poor background, I am proud of what I have achieved and financial security is important to me. When it comes to DH, money never crossed my mind. Until I got pregnant.

Queue 9 months of hell, birth, had to go back to work early as we had just bought a house, so I was pumping and breastfeeding and working 24/7. DH is ok, better than your average twat husband, but by no means makes up for the lack of money he brings. If anything, I find myself having to juggle HIS career as it can be odd hours etc whereas my seniority buys me a lot of flexibility.

Basically, I'd love someone to take care of me for once. Just take one thing off my plate. I wish I could take a year out to be with my small child without blasting through my own savings. I wish I had listened to my mother when she warned me that having babies is going to be much much harder on me than him (in response to me once saying what a wonderful father DH will make LOL).

The resentment is seeping in. Maybe it's not about the money. If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different. But atm I feel I am giving him a wonderful life without enough work from him tbh. Maybe I've just answered my own dilemma, I don't know.

If he had truly stepped up at home and supported me more, I'd feel different.

This is the real issue then. You can't "make him" earn more money but you can tackle this. You shouldn't have to but it's worth a try.

I get it. I earn quite a lot more than my husband and yet still seem to be bending to fit around his less flexible job whilst it feels like he takes for granted the benefits from the extra cash I bring in and annoyingly sometimes says I'm just "lucky" to earn so much (I've had to work my bloody arse off to get where I am).

He does step up at home though, at least with cooking (70%) and laundry (almost 100%) so I can live with it, even though anything child related seems to be primarily my job unless I specifically ask. That's very annoying because I can't just drop the rope to make a point like with household chores. He sometimes moans about doing "all" the cooking and laundry but I don't feel bad about that at all! You need to get to a place you can live with it the resentment will grow and poison everything.

This is very different to a SAHP type set up and cannot be compared to such because the DH is working full time, and may well be doing longer hours than the OP. That’s the case for many jobs.
If OP is in a highly paid underwriting role WFH and OP’s DH is a band 5 nurse, it’s much more difficult to say he should pick up more than OP around the house just because he earns less.

I didn't read p3, apologies if I have missed something in not doing so.

I think in a situation like yours it is possible for both partners to contribute equally to the marriage, but it requires both to "lean in" (sorry) and think creatively about how they can support the other. Your role is clear. What is his? For example, when his work is fallow does he deal with the house, kids, meals, to do list unprompted? Do things to support you? Or is it a "I can ask him to make dinner on a Tuesday and he'll chuck some beans on toast if the bread and tins are already in the house and I remind him?" situation? You can change behaviours but not attitudes ime.

She's not using him as "a bank" shes looking for a life partner who will fairly and proportionally share the load

But you are right
Society is failing... its failing women horribly.

I agree with every single comment saying YABU……however I also know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the burden feels heavy and you just want to be looked after. As a successful professional woman you know these are uncomfortable feelings, but I empathise. I worked so hard to make sure I had the independence to never be trapped in an unhappy marriage like my parents. However my dads income meant my mum never worked, oh and how I yearned for that luxury when I was crying every morning dropping my 6th month old DS at nursery because we needed my income.

feelings aren’t always rational, fair or about equality. Sometimes you just want to drop the ball and stay at home with your baby, I here you.

You poor thing. I really feel for you.

If you are working flat out and he earns very little, could he give up work and be a full-time house-husband until your children are all in school? Then he could work part time hours while they’re at school?

It’s great that he gets a lot of satisfaction from his job - but it’s not a hobby. And if it were a hobby it would need to fit in with the needs of the family over all.

I also won’t deny I felt intense resentment watching friends drop their children off when they didn’t even work, in fact had au pairs as well as nursery and no jobs. It was really unfair of me, they chose wealthy men over careers, that isn’t their fault. But I felt I would have done anything to not have to be at that nursery, I just wanted to be at home with my son. But also had absolutely no time for me, it was work or parenting. The thought of the luxury of paying for nursery so you could go to the gym and lunch.

what I will say is with subsequent pregnancies it got better. Maternity leave length and pay got better. I had a nanny share which made everything so much more flexible. By DS 3 I could afford to drop to 3 days, and remained at that until high school

now they are 24, 21, 18. I did have the freedom to leave the unhappy marriage. I have a fulfilling, well paid career that I love. My boys are happy and successful.

how I felt 23 years ago will never fade, but I promise it will get better

I’m in a similar position OP, and the resentment can be all-consuming. I have made my feelings on this very clear
to DH and to be fair he now knows that as the breadwinner my career is the more important and his has to take a backseat. He is also getting a tiny bit better at doing more around the house.:.but many many days I rue my decision. Yet I also know he is a kind person and is committed to me and our family, which isn’t necessarily a given.

I hear you. It's hard being the main earner when it's by a substantial amount. The lifestyle is all on you and it's a heavy burden, I'm not saying dad's don't feel that way but I certainly only really started feeling so trapped by my job once I had a child. We could make changes and dramatically reduce our savings, holidays, possibility of private school/ university support and i could step back, but then downgrading my childs life would be all on me and that feels selfish. I wish the financial load was more even, but this is the way it is.

Why doesn't husband become a SAHD and take the pressure off his wife that way? She can then focus far more on her highly paid career and the load is ultimately lightened.
Or does that not fit gender roles so ludicrous idea?

Because he’d quite clearly be shit at it and OP would end up picking up the domestic slack ??

Why quite clearly? Because all men are shit at domestic work?

Because if you read OP’s posts, she’s said her DH doesn’t pull his weight at home and has focussed on the idea of him earning more because she thinks it’s more achievable than trying to get him to turn into somebody who would. OP may have titled her thread about marrying for money, when it’s clear what she means is that at least if her DH was earning decent money she’d be able to take her foot off the gas a bit with her own work, and wouldn’t feel so resentful about his general lack of contribution all around, rather than having to go hard at everything.

Quite clearly - because THIS DH is shit at domestic work. Read the OP’s posts. Nobody is stereotyping here.

Read the thread title.
Says it all

OP - how's about it? DH becoming a SAHD?

Huh? He doesn’t pull his weight now. He’d be earning zero then op woukd be picking up the slack even more.

@cheesycheesy It's far easier for him to step up at home that to "just get a better paid job." We need to stop putting up with men that don't support with the domestic duties/childcare. I certainly wouldn't put up with it from my husband!
But tbh, I don't think that's what the OP is wanting here.

Eh? Every other MN’er earns a six figure salary so it is nothing special compared to that!

Which was the one that hid the £5k from you @everychildmatters ?

@Smoothout Back from the ban, love? x

I’ve been through similar.

it ended up in an ultimatum- make my life easier or leave.

he now does 90% of the housework.

Miranda Hobbes??

Seriously though, I'd tell him how youre feeling and see what he says

If he's a good man, he'll find a way to lessen your load

Motherhood and working is tough, youre not unreasonable and I'm sure youre not alone in this ❤️

Still touchie about your husband sneaking £5k in to his account without telling you? Understandably so! What a twat! @everychildmatters