Is this a generational thing or is it just my friendship circle [Content warning: mentions of suicide]

[Andoutcomethewolves]

YABU - it's just your friends
YANBU - this is normal for people of your age

Just been informed another friend of mine has committed suicide. That makes it four so far this year. Last year it was eight (suicides and ODs). One friend this year died of natural causes but he was only 30, he had a heart attack which I assume was caused in part by his long term heroin addiction. He'd actually got himself clean and I was so proud of him.

This isn't normal, is it? I'm just so desensitised I can't even shed a tear for my friend of over 20 years.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I've lost at least two people every year since I was 17.

ETA - I'm 40 if that makes any odds

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning]

What is your profession?

I have a similar ‘ratio’ of suicide loss and it’s because I’m surrounded by friends either struggling with recovery or still in active addiction. It really desensitises you to death after a while and frankly causes a few psychological problems further down as it’s simply not normal to deal with funeral after funeral.

please take care of yourself, OP. I’m sorry for your losses.

OP with kindness it sounds like you're waking up to the fact that the community you've grown up in is not very healthy and that you mean to make a fairly radical life break.

I knew quite a lot of people in the new age traveller community when I was younger and heroin/ketamin use were rife but I know what you mean in that it was very normalised and people in the community didn't see it as being unusual and were very conditioned to believe that "normal" society was sick and they were the ones who were free. I don't know if you can relate to this? I personally never bought into this and I found the whole scene pretty dark and depressing and extricated myself but I am familiar with this mindset.

This level of suicide and OD is very unusual, to be frank, it's not normal at all. But that doesn't make it any less painful for you and I'm sorry you've gone through it.

I think you're coming to the realisation that you need to leave your marriage and find a different life circle. I would take it in small steps: confide in someone initially outside the community that you know, maybe via Women's Aid or a counseller if you can afford one?

Then slowly start to map out a way out. Good luck. You sound like an intelligent person and you deserve better.

Jesus. I’m 30 OP and I don’t have a single friend who has committed suicide. It seems you may have gotten in with a very unhappy group of people and I’m so sorry you’re having to cope with that.

Of course it’s not normal. The only people I’ve had die since I was 17 are grandparents and an aunt who had cancer.

I honestly don't know. I'm early 40s and while none of my inner circle have committed suicide, a lot of people I know by name or to say hello to, have. Or they have died from an overdose.
I would also say that 6 men I know have died of a heart attack or stroke within the last 2 years. They were all late 50s/early 60s. Every one has been a shock, but given that they were all heavy drinkers, it wasn't entirely surprising.

I think what all of these (the suicides, ODs, and heart attacks) have in common, is that i knew them, or of them, from the local pub scene. Heavy drinkers, and mental health problems are rife.

Do you actually want to continue living like this OP. Excess drugs and death your norm?

You're not an addict. You have a professional job and your own income. There are other lifestyle options available to you.

OP i really felt for you reading your post. You've been through so much and you must feel like you're on shifting sands all of the time. It's not wrong to crave and want to create safety and security in your own life. It's not wrong to want to escape from this community which is bringing you so much pain (no doubt it has it's positives too hence why you've stayed). You can't help and cure everyone no matter how much you care about them. It's not wrong to drop the rope after you've tried your best, which I'm sure you have. It's not wrong to want more for yourself. I think there is a little voice in your head telling you this. You are different from these people. You have carved out a route for yourself. You just need to be brave now and step away. If you want some help in my experience citizens advice can be fantastic they can just listen or they can help you make those first steps. Good luck. If you happen to be in the south west drop me a PM x

Thank you. And thank you to everyone else who's responded, I really appreciate it. It's just very hard to extricate myself.

I am in the SW @Tomomomatoes, I'm in Bristol.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
this is obviously anecdotal and just my experience
im a little older than you and a lot of my friends growing up had tried, I wonder how much more successful they’d have been had the internet been there more to “help” in both advice in how to complete it and in the self perpetuating hatred of themselves.
my incredibly small group of friends now all have significant mental health issues, which we are sought help or are seeking help through. Two of us would definitely not be here now if it wasn’t for our children.
is it normal? Or are we drawn to this like minded people? I don’t know.

for some, i think it’s like the pain of living is just too much, and they are almost incompatible with life

I completely understand, I was in the same scene from a teenager and definitely have known an abnormal amount of death, including my boyfriend when I was 18 from heroin. All boyfriends from then on were alcoholics that I’m surprised are still alive. Up until one of my friends killed herself after being involved with a drug dealer turned nasty and she was in a total state with drugs. Not long after I ended it with my then boyfriend, was completely and utterly done. I thought I was trapped but I found the strength through other friends who had moved on and got their lives together (I am also a professional and always had a job etc, I have a fiercely independent streak thankfully). I now have a sober husband (not an ex-addict, just doesn’t drink!) and most of my fiends are sober (but also from a similar scene and have history, I don’t think normal people understand me either! I can fake it for work as much as I need to) and am so glad to be out of it. I sometimes miss the fun and chaos from my youth, but it wasn’t fun anymore, it was very dark and people acted like it was normal. Please find the strength to leave your husband. This will all never ever change. Ever. If there isn’t anyone in the Bristol scene getting straight, move cities. What about the north? You have to choose you and I promise there is a big scene of people from the same background who are now sober and aren’t in this active cycle of tragedy. Your life doesn’t have to be like this anymore.

Firstly, sorry for your losses

Are all your friends addicts?

Im slightly younger and lost no friends to suicide or OD. In my entire extended circle I know of 2 people who were friends of a friends friend, who died by suicide but 1 had servere mental health issues and the other had recently lost their immediate family In an accident.

Im shocked that you've lost 12 people in the last 18months this way.

I have just found out a friend of mine died, that's a total of four from the friendship group that were ravers.

I think I know the kind of friendship group you have and it's pretty ingrained behaviour towards drugs. It's really hard to watch !

Are you happy in your relationship?