Is this a generational thing or is it just my friendship circle [Content warning: mentions of suicide]

[Andoutcomethewolves]

YABU - it's just your friends
YANBU - this is normal for people of your age

Just been informed another friend of mine has committed suicide. That makes it four so far this year. Last year it was eight (suicides and ODs). One friend this year died of natural causes but he was only 30, he had a heart attack which I assume was caused in part by his long term heroin addiction. He'd actually got himself clean and I was so proud of him.

This isn't normal, is it? I'm just so desensitised I can't even shed a tear for my friend of over 20 years.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I've lost at least two people every year since I was 17.

ETA - I'm 40 if that makes any odds

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning]

Nearly all of my friends who have died were men. The two women who died, one cut her own throat and jumped off a UK to France ferry. The other deliberately OD'd on heroin.

Argh I really don't know what to do with myself.

Yes, all of my friends do drugs and drinks to excess. I don't but I'm unusual in that. Everyone else on a night out is doing ket and heroin and shots.

I think it depends on who your friends are. My condolences obviously but you mention overdose deaths and your recovering addict friend who sadly had the related heart attack. People who live their lives around drugs do seem to have more of a propensity to die young. I did have some experience of this some years ago.

Yes I know this. Just a bit upset at the latest suicides/attempted suicide. It's all getting a bit on top of me.

If you have the means to do so, I would escape this cycle of doom and move completely away to pastures new, all by myself. You are not stuck.

Have you got a stable home life? Hobbies? Any friends who are more stable you can connect with more? You say you’re a traveller - are you literally living in a van/boat/some kind of itinerant home?

Do you think your husband is keeping you tied to a way of life that actually you've moved on from?

Just sending a big hug, OP. As you can tell from the thread, in no way "normal" and you are dealing with a shitload of trauma. And, as other PPs have said it's not as simple as "well they're all druggies aren't they." It's a complex web of things that all build on each other, and early death (through a number of causes) becomes part of that.

What do you want from here? (Not from mumsnet particularly, but from this time and place in your life -- what do you want to happen next?)

Yes. My husband is from a stereotypical middle class family. I think he believes that being with someone like me makes him cooler in some way (even though I pay for everything we have). I'm just tired. I've cried all night and I don't feel like I have an escape route.

No, I'm in my husband's housing association flat. I was in a bus until I was 16 then in a squat in Holland. I don't even drive, so no chance of my own bus! I guess you could say I'm settled but it doesn't really feel like it.

Initially, I would suggest accessing some support if you can from your local suicide bereavement service. They will be able to offer specialist support.

Longer term, what support is it you need to get yourself out of your current situation? It sounds like your marriage isn't the best and your social circle isn't one you can depend on. Do you have any other family?

Maybe you need your own place. Make your own home. Access therapy. Stop wasting money supporting your husband. Could he be making you pay for everything to sustain a heroin habit?

So sad, it’s very rare for women to kill themselves so violently, ODs are more common. I feel I have a group of friends that are very intelligent and very interesting but unfortunately with that comes some mental health problems often. It’s unusual you’ve had so many in such a short time and I feel for you. I don’t know if it’s any comfort but I think a lot of my friends felt quite tortured with life and some had really tried their best, at least they’re at peace now.

I’m guessing from your user name you’re more in the alternative/punk scene? In which case, I think there is a higher amount of suicide and tragic deaths, as troubled souls are often drawn to those scenes and there’s a lot of drink and drug addiction. I also know a high number unfortunately, although not as many as you’ve stated. But the amount of alcoholics who totally normalise their drinking as it’s not out of the ordinary in the bubble of the scene is scary when you realise that isn’t normal. A lot of people I am still in touch with are now sober.

Sorry for your loss Op. I think what you’ve experienced is a lot and far more than most , although I have had some deaths in my circle.
It really isn’t normal what you’ve experienced but reading your update and seeing the lifestyle your friends lead it does make “sense” - for want of a better word.

I have always hated drugs and have never had it in my social circle except the occasional weed smoker type friend.

I’m late 30s and I lost an old (sort of) friend to suicide in my early 30s, I hadn’t spoken to him for a few years but it still hit me hard as I knew him from my late teens.

I actually lost my first friend to suicide as a tween. She was a family friend and she died by suicide at around age 14.

Also lost a family friend - friends big brother - in my mid 20s.

And currently another friend of mine has cancer that the doctors say is terminal.

So I think for me it’s been about one loss a decade or so.

I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through the past couple of years. If you can access grief counselling that might help

I'm 39, I haven't lost any friends by suicide. Dhs cousin died mid 30s, in circumstances which I'm sure was suicide as he'd told me many times over the years if he were to do it he'd do it that was so it wouldn't be considered suicide, he was an addict.

I know of acquaintances who died by Suicide and there was drugs involved in all them sadly. I'm sorry for your losses.

Op, you sound like a strong, intelligent woman who can do well in life when you have a professional career. I think getting away from your husband, especially when you have suspicions of heroin use and pay for everything, is a good idea. Now though when you just lost another friend and are in the midst of grief, is not the time to even try to think about/plan it. Give yourself some time to just get through these initial days and then when you feel ready come post a new post about it and get support on the relationships board.

I have some travelling friends, they have all had traumatic childhood experiences which is why they decided upon that life in the first place I think, to shun the society that let them down I suppose.

Same here.

Ha yes. Very much into the punk/alternative scene but I can usually fake it - I've kept up several contract jobs in the six figures. The level of drinking and drug use with my friends is absurd.

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that too x

I am so sorry for your losses. I am early 50s and have known 5 people die my suicide in my circle. I also work in a profession with a very high suicide rate and have lost personal colleagues into easily double figures.

Do you want to get out of this community?

You don’t have to stay.

Lots of people move on, change jobs, relocate 100 miles away. It sounds like you have resources. Cut the drama loose, it’s not your ’scene’ anymore.

I know housing is tough even for people with a decent income, but if you're able to afford something independently it would be a start. This stood out for me from one of your earlier posts

Our neighbour is a heroin addict and my husband goes round there every day. He says he doesn't do heroin but I don't know, I don't believe him.

It sounds like you've been around the scene enough to recognise the signs and you know that he is. I don't think that you'll know what sort of life you want, let alone be able to start building it until you make a break from the one you don't, if that makes sense.

ive not long turned 40 and have lost a few friends to suicide and my brother. ive had a very death filled life tbh. all siblings have passed away and lots of friends. grew up in a town known famously as a drug town. im one who moved away pretty quickly and rarely go there but driving through the town its still very run down and full of drugs. I think they plays a big part in suicide especially in men who start using at weekends and it spirals.