Is this a generational thing or is it just my friendship circle [Content warning: mentions of suicide]

[Andoutcomethewolves]

YABU - it's just your friends
YANBU - this is normal for people of your age

Just been informed another friend of mine has committed suicide. That makes it four so far this year. Last year it was eight (suicides and ODs). One friend this year died of natural causes but he was only 30, he had a heart attack which I assume was caused in part by his long term heroin addiction. He'd actually got himself clean and I was so proud of him.

This isn't normal, is it? I'm just so desensitised I can't even shed a tear for my friend of over 20 years.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I've lost at least two people every year since I was 17.

ETA - I'm 40 if that makes any odds

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning]

Thank you all.

I think addiction issues are part of it. Mostly ketamine rather than heroin but that can make people believe they can fly - at least ten friends have jumped off high buildings or bridges and tbh I don't know if those were intentional suicides or they just weren't aware really of what they were doing.

I do think it's probably a friendship circle thing. My friend (female) has just been hospitalised after slashing her wrists. She's seen two fiances die by hanging in the space of three years.

It's really not normal is it.

Ok sorry.

I'm sorry to suggest this, but please change your friend group. This is very unhealthy to be around, drugs, OD's, deaths at this level.

This is horrific 💔I have lost more than average numbers of people in my life including 2 friends in the past 2 years, one of which was also suicide. But I really think this is too much to deal with alone. Please could you look for some counselling or support for yourself? Even losing one friend is a massive deal. I really feel for you. I have found listening to NDE (near death experience) podcasts surprisingly helpful and comforting. Sending you a big hug.

Thank you everyone. I think I try to be the 'strong one' in my family. My older sister lost her fiance (one of my closest friends, I introduced them) to alcoholism when she was in the early stages of pregnancy, and her previous partner of many years died by suicide last year. He wasn't found for weeks. So I try to be strong but honestly I'm crippled emotionally.

This is definitely not normal. You’ll have been traumatised by this number of deaths. If some of the deaths are caused by illegal drugs, then as someone else has said - kindly - if that’s the type of group you are friends with, then you will see more drama, death and tragedy than most. Sorry for your loss.

Very abnormal from my perspective - it seems likely it’s connected to the prevalence of addiction issues in your friendship group.

I only know one person who has died by suicide - the father of a girl my dd was at primary school with. He was in a high-flying professional career, but I always got the sense that he hadn’t quite reached the level of success he wanted. He clearly took some sort of risk which backfired and got him into serious trouble. He was called into an HR meeting and lost his job, but I guess he couldn’t face the shame of his family/friends/colleagues finding out, so he jumped in front of a train instead of going home.

I didn’t know him well - our daughters had been at different secondary schools for several years by this point - but it was a massive shock nonetheless (particularly because I was caught up in the resulting train disruption, and finding out afterwards that it was someone I knew was horrible). I can’t imagine losing so many close friends in this manner, OP - I hope you’re getting help with this from your GP/a therapist etc.

It's hard though because all of my friends are from the same background as me (traveller). I can put up a mask at work etc but I can't be my real self around 'normal' people

It’s not normal and it must be taking a terrible toll on you. Is there a way you can reach out for support or try to break away from the group or lifestyle that are mainly involved, for self preservation purposes? I think there is evidence that people who know someone who’s died by suicide are more likely to kill themselves so that may be partly what’s happened with your friends.

You can’t save them but can you help yourself/your kids if you have them be out of that type of situation?

I think you posted about this a few months ago? I’m sorry things are even worse now.

do you think all traveller communities have this terrible issue or are your friends disproportionately affected?

I am 43. I've lost a friend to suicide in recent years and also a friend of a friend around the same time and same age. It's really heartbreaking. Hugs.

Yes I did post previously, just today's death has really knocked me so apologies for the repeat post.

Drug use is very prevalent in our community. I don't partake but pretty much everyone else does. Even my mum and dad.

Absolutely this, if your friendship group is one that's heavy in substance misuse of heroine, ketamine and alcohol, sadly people under the influence of these substances are much more likely to die by suicide, especially if they still have have this lifestyle in their 30s.

Dh attempted suicide many years ago and I knew someone who had a brain aneurism in his 40s. But that's it. Apart from drug use in our teens and early 20s, my social circle don't use drugs or even drink heavily anymore. I suspect that may be why your loss is so great

I’m really sorry to hear how much loss you’ve suffered. I wasn’t aware there was a significant drug problem within the traveller community - that’s so sad. Is it widespread or do you think it’s within your local (traveller) community? Please don’t answer if this feels too personal I’m just intrigued as to why it’s such an issue.

would you consider getting some counselling? This is an awful lot for one person to have to deal with.

Not usual at all. I don’t know anyone who’s committed suicide. I’m sorry for your losses and that you’ve become so desensitised to it all. Have you thought about going to grief counselling to help you grieve?

Just to be clear, I mean 'new age' travellers not Irish or Romany! And yes in our community this is a significant problem. I've just tried to think if I know anyone without an addiction problem and...no.

If that’s the case then I hate to say it but the “normal” you’re used to, that you say you can only have with people from the same community - it’s a harmful normal in this case as it’s a normality that is based on addiction and extremely poor mental health. I’m sure it is possible for you to find friends not caught up in that world and learn to feel “at home” with them, you might need some counselling to think deeply about how that at home feeling you have now might have elements of trauma in it.

Really not normal sorry. I am sad you have lost so many friends. At 62 nobody I know has killed themselves and as far as I know my children and the older generation of my family know nobody who has either.

This is terrible, OP. Not normal at all, are you in a friendship circle where addition is very common? Could you extend your friendship circle to include some people who are less troubled? This is a very hard way to live.
For what it's worth, I know four people who have committed suicide over my 60 odd years of life.

Not normal at all - I know of three people who have died by suicide, none of them close.

• the neighbour of my parents when we were children
• the son of an ex colleague
• DH’s cousin (DH had not seen him for at least 10 years so I had never met him, although we did go to the funeral)

I can’t think many people know many close people who have died this way, although suicidal contagion is a thing so if they all knew each other this could explain it.

Sorry for your loses - death by suicide is awful

Thats deadfully sad OP.
Mid 40s and know of only one person in my entire netwwork since youth who does hard drugs like heroine, someone we used to know in our teens but havent spoken to since. He is alive and well as was in the local paper for burglary, dispite a very privilaged upbringing, private school and massive house with a pool etc.
Know one person who died by suicide, this was in our early teens.
Know of two other people that have died by suicude, friends of friends, not people I have met.
I know three people who died from moped accidents in our teens though.
How are you bearing up, thats a lot of greif in your life. Hope you have support.

Same, I don’t know anyone who has died by suicide or drugs etc, I’m mid 40s and no-one from my school year has died.
Sorry for all your losses OP 💐

I don't think that is normal at all. I don't think I have ever known anyone who has committed suicide or drug overdosed. Sorry you're going through this.

My mother’s friend and my father’s work colleague both died by suicide back in the 1980s. But none of my friends have died and I’m about a decade older than you, so it sounds unusual, but given you say you are surrounded by drug takers, possibly it’s more common within those circles.