Is this a generational thing or is it just my friendship circle [Content warning: mentions of suicide]

[Andoutcomethewolves]

YABU - it's just your friends
YANBU - this is normal for people of your age

Just been informed another friend of mine has committed suicide. That makes it four so far this year. Last year it was eight (suicides and ODs). One friend this year died of natural causes but he was only 30, he had a heart attack which I assume was caused in part by his long term heroin addiction. He'd actually got himself clean and I was so proud of him.

This isn't normal, is it? I'm just so desensitised I can't even shed a tear for my friend of over 20 years.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? I've lost at least two people every year since I was 17.

ETA - I'm 40 if that makes any odds

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning]

I’m in my mid 30s and have only known two people who have died under the age of 65 - a friend in his 30s of an overdose and a child relative with cancer. Even if I include everyone I knew at school (including everyone in my year) that still stands true. I’m from a working class/impoverished place too.

So I’d say no, absolutely not normal.

Yes I know quite a few. My guess is that it’s generational but also related to class, poverty and other factors. We were the children born to hedonistic parents of the eighties and nineties. I remember seeing so many drunk adults in my childhood, and lots of addiction. Lots of inter generational trauma. Fast forward to now, lots of my friends have struggled with addiction and long term health conditions relating to poverty and trauma. You just won’t get the responses on MN which reflect this. Also if you are ND, you’re more likely to use substances statistically, and I think like attracts like, so more ND friendships mean you’re going to experience more suicide and substance use. It’s all very sad and could be prevented.

You're the furthest from weak with what you've dealt with and are currently living. I hope you can get away.

No, it's not normal OP. I have had one suicide of someone close to me, who suffered badly from depression, and I know someone else who's had a sucide in their family.

You seem to be involved with a particularly vulnerable group of friends and contacts. It's known that suicide rates among substance abusers are significantly higher than those who are clean. I suspect that if you move within those circles you become desensitised to death and suicide. How sad for you — but it sounds as if you haven't completely lost perspective. I hope you can find your way to a wider group of friends and contacts who can offer you a more positive experience. Good luck.

Edited to reflect OP's most recent posts.

That’s a shockingly high number.

Two people I knew IRL died by suicide (my childhood friend and husband’s cousin) and last year, a teenager at my son’s school took his own life. My mum had three different friends who knew young people who died by suicide (nephew of Friend 1, friend of son of Friend 2 and girlfriend of son of Friend 3).

OP, just noticed your latest post.

I don't think you sound weak. I think there's a bit of you yelling 'Get out of here now before it's too late!'

You probably need to develop a plan to escape. If your relationship is a violent or abusive one, Women's Aid can help you.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Otherwise, google and research and find a local charity or support network that can help someone in your position. Talk to advisors, build your confidence.

I have known someone in a similar situation who found that joining their local church gave them a support circle that enabled them to make changes in their life. I'm not religious and I was a bit 'Eeek', but it really helped him establish a new, healthier 'normal.' Someone I used to work with started going to meditation classes at a local Buddhist centre and used that as a means to tackle his drinking problem.

Do you know where you want to go and what you want to do? Do you have an image of what your life might look like in a year or in five years? It can help to envisage what a better life might look like. It sounds as if you're ready to make changes. I wish you well.

OP, this is desperately sad. I am afraid I don't know what "new age" travellers are, but it seems to me that in a way, the widespread drug use and other issues in your community mean that getting away from that might be similar to escaping a cult in that you would need to break all ties?

Where do you work? Is there any way to seek therapy and support, either privately or through a workplace scheme? I would be inclined to actively look for a therapist who specialises in this sort of thing. I asked Chat GPT what that would look like and it said:

The right kind of therapist to help

Look for someone with experience in:

• Religious trauma syndrome (RTS)
• Cults and high-control groups
• Complex trauma (C-PTSD)
• Deprogramming or recovery from spiritual abuse
• Exit counseling (though this term is more associated with intervention rather than ongoing therapy)

Therapist titles or specialisms to look for:

• Trauma-informed psychotherapist
• Counsellor specialising in spiritual or religious trauma
• Cult recovery therapist
• Licensed psychologist with experience in coercive group dynamics

🔍 Where to find them (UK & internationally)

• The International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA): icsahome.com
• They maintain a list of therapists worldwide with cult recovery experience.
• Faith to Faithless (UK-based, part of Humanists UK): Offers support for people leaving extreme religious groups.
• Counselling Directory UK or Psychology Today: Search by specialism — try keywords like religious trauma, spiritual abuse, cult recovery.
• Reddit forums or survivor communities (e.g. r/exchristian or r/exmormon): Often include therapist recommendations.

yes my aunty, another aunty attempted, a cousin who we lost to suicide. A distant cousin we lost to suicide, another distant cousin.

At uni someone in my halls in our first week.

one of my brother’s best friends too.

I think it can happen like this. My husband and his circle of wider friends… there always seemed to be a suicide. If im
honest I put it down to where and how they lived.

I'm in my sixties and I know two women who've lost sons to suicide. In terms of raw data, it's a drop in the ocean compared with the family and friends I've lost to illness, but I don't know loads of people outside my family circle. So the fact that two of those I do know lost sons in that way isn't a small thing (they were roughly the same age too.)

Thank you everyone. I don't have kids for those who asked.

There is a tonne of generational trauma in our family, like I can’t say how much but it has ‘come out’ in addictions and drugs, alcohol, gambling….. I can’t tell you the damage it’s done. Well I have just below.

@AndoutcomethewolvesI think somehow you need to leave the community

I don’t personally know of anyone who
has committed suicide, I’ve heard of friends of friends, but very rarely….I don’t know anyone with addictions either, again, friends of friends type thing, but alcohol, not drugs. It does seem very unusual…in my experience anyway.

I've lost a couple male friends in their early 30s to suicide. Most of my other friends who passed were thankfully fairly elderly. Except my dad who was only 55.

It's really sad. I'm guessing it might be to do with the area you grew up/live in? Not trying to be mean but if there's a lot of addiction, poverty, not many job prospects it probably increases such things. Though addiction can affect anyone from any social background of course.

I'm so sorry for your losses. X

This is similar to my OH. He's worked incredibly hard to break the cycle and move away from support circles that were actually not supportive but had been all he knew, including going no contact with his mother. It has been hard work but he had to leave what he knew so that he could flourish. It was awful and difficult but necessary.

This is so true @Andoutcomethewolves

I'm 40 and I know at least 2 people who have taken their own life.

All my ex boyfriends except 3 have struggled with their mental health. Both suicides were men, too.

I feel a magnet for people with these issues. Everyone says how caring and nice I am though, so maybe that's the connection. I'm tired of dealing with people like this though, it's bloody draining.

No that ratio of deaths is far too high. I'm so sorry that you've had so much tragedy in your life.

I'm in my 50s and I know of 2 people that I was acquaintances of that have sadly died by suicide and a couple of others I'm aware of but didn't actually personally know them.

I lost 1 friend in a car accident many many years ago. (still miss her) but a death of a young person is rare and unexpected. It shouldn't be something that is often happening.

Can you identify why at all? Are they a group that drink and take drugs to excess? Is it a particular job that they have? Something identifiable in their lifestyle?

We had a spate of them as soon as I reached 40, very sad. They were all male. I think this goes with the stats unfortunately as males 45-49 have the highest suicide rate.

You need to get out, OP. Formulate a plan - contact Women's Aid or any charity that helps people move on from cults. Maybe join a church group, or even a hobby group to meet new people. Get a new job at some distance from your home? Get your ducks in a row for leaving your husband, who is almost certainly taking heroin. You need to find the inner strength to go. Start another post for support, as too many pps here are just focussing on the suicide question. I wish you fortitude

I only know 1 person (we were vaguely friends but not close) who committed suicide aged 27. It was so awful for his poor family and I often think of him at random moments (this was many years ago).

Yes I can relate to this. A wide social circle from my late teen / 20s of misfits/alternatives/punks/partiers has had so many deaths from drug overdoses / alcohol poisoning and suicides. It seems like a total world away from people I’ve met through university and work. Colleagues are shocked to hear someone I know died suddenly from x whereas it’s normal in this ‘scene’.

Some of the analysis on this thread is a bit basic. Ie it’s the druggies. But it’s chicken and egg. Who is choosing to go down this path and why? It usually isn’t people who are neurotypical / have good mental health and a strong/supportive/loving family network.

I’m in my fifties and I know 5 people who’ve taken their own life in the last few years, all men between 50-55.

Thank you, it is good to hear from someone who has a a relatable experience. Not that I'm glad you have of course! We're very much in the punk/traveller bracket and my husband was homeless for a while before I met him so he has friends in that kind of circle, many of whom have died. I've always been able to fake it, I have a professional job etc, but I'm honestly just exhausted at trying to be 'normal'