To back out of a child’s birthday

[TwinkleLittleBean]

This is really hard! The birthday child has additional needs. Last year we went along for birthday and paid for 4 of us (hotel and theme park tickets).
This year it’s going abroad. To a place I know we’d love as a family, but it won’t be on our terms if we go round as a group - we’ll be following a lead.

When I was asked, the child was there and I couldn’t say no - it was a “let’s go to X”!!
The price/dates/DH taking time off work - my other DC is a bit too old for it.
It’s a few months away, but when do I start backing out?

It’s going to feel like I’m letting child with SEN, who thinks she might be going somewhere v special. I don’t think they’d go without us. They see my DC as - almost a sibling.

I wouldn’t dream of asking another family to spend £800+ to celebrate a birthday.
I think I’ll just have to say one DC too old, expense etc…ASAP!

Who the hell asks someone to go overseas for a child’s party?! WTF! No way! The child being SEN is irrelevant. Are they off their heads with entitlement or am I missing something?!

Are they related to you? Do you want to go. I personally wouldn't go unless it was something suitable for my family and that we could go off and do our own thinks. When my kids were little we'd do a big family holiday with my 3 siblings, partners and all the kids and my parents, sometimes my dsil parents and siblings came, so they'd be loads of us. It was always good fun but we all done our own things also. If someone wanted to go fishing/crabbing they go and whoever wanted to go will join them, then another group might of went swimming another horse ridding. We didn't always even have our own kids. Same with dinners but we all got to spend time together in a weird way.

Crikes - that's some party request.
I'd be saying not able to do it (as soon as possible) and invite them for tea (a hugely poor substitute !)

You could have said no. You could have said you’d need to look in to it. You could have said, you’ve already booked a holiday this year. You could have said your kids wouldn’t enjoy it. Nobody had a gun to your head.

If you only felt you couldn’t say no because of a child with SEN, then you need to do some work on yourself and how you view people with SEN.

Agreed. Of course you could have said no.

OP, you get that a 'birthday party' doesn't usually involve overseas travel and considerable expenditure?

I am assuming it's family?
I think you should have said no at the time and the sooner you now tell them you don't want to go the better.

Ynless you have a history of always going on big expensive trips for this child's birthday, I honestly can't understand why this is even an issue, "I'm afrid we won't be able to do such a big trip like that. Perhaps we can arrange a fun day at <favourite activity> so we can celebrate?"

even if you have got this history, I'd still think it' sperfectly okay to say that actually, that doesn't work.

People are weird.

Back out now. I can’t believe anyone would ask this of you.

If they don’t go without you it’s on them. OP, you really need to grow a spine here. As others have said, of course you didn’t have to agree.

I didn’t say yes, it was more an - I’ll look into it. No dates or ticket prices, it’s an ‘idea’ - and I half hope the idea won’t get much further.
I find I get invited to half a dozen things by same person which don’t materialise. When I’ve said ‘I can’t’ before, it seems to cause a hideous atmosphere - so I’ve found it easier to react positively and then say I can’t make the date.

My DH was also asked separately and didn’t know how to react!

Not related but they have had quite a lot of emotional events which we have supported through.

I really don't understand what's so difficult about saying no. Why on earth would you spend time, annual leave and the best part of a thousand pounds to celebrate the birthday of a child?

To be fair they are not as crazy as the person who doesn't want to go but says yes

Well if you haven't actually agreed to it, there's no problem surely? You just say that you've considered it, but it's not really suitable for your eldest, and your budget won't allow for this trip and a holiday for your own family.

Get the conversation out of the way soon for both your sakes.

Just tell them sorry you cant afford it. Very strange to expect a non related family to go on hoilday for a childs birthday.

Just message asap and ask "Have you got any further looking into x? It's just that sadly I don't think we'll be able to manage to join you as it'll just cost too much on top on of the holiday plans we already have. Plus annual leave is proving tricky.".

If they try to do something huge and days long but nearer to home the same reasons can work again!

Asking someone to go on holiday and pay for it themselves for your dc's birthday is absolutely batshit crazy. Who would agree to that?

Yes, it would have been better to say no at the time, but I absolutely understand why you were taken unawares! You aren't being unreasonable at all!

You said you'd look into it.

Well you have and you don't want to go.

They are not relatives..and seem to be leaning on you a lot and getting you to say yes to things you are not 100 per cent about. You need to set some boundaries with them.

I would also say to the parent if they want to ask you to come to something, can they next time ask you privately, and not in front of the child.. say You need time to think and plan and budget for four of you to attend things and you don't like being put on the spot by having to either commit to going there and then or having to disappoint the child in question.

You could plan an alternative get together instead... like a nice picnic/mini party with cake at your house. Thus still seeing the child and celebrating with them.

This is insane. I assumed you were doing to say it was your DC’s cousin. I can’t imagine asking, let alone expecting, a friend no matter how close, to take annual leave and spend a fortune to come on holiday for my DC’s birthday. You need to say “it’s so kind of you to think of us, but we don’t have the budget or annual leave for that. We’d love to take birthday child out to dinner / to the movie La / bowling / whatever to celebrate the birthday when you get back.”

The SEN is a red herring here. It’s not as though you are saying you’d go if the kid didn’t have SEN but don’t want to because they do.

So you both struggle with boundaries and assertiveness? That's a bad combination. All because you can't cope with the discomfort of saying no. You'd really rather take time off work and shell out thousands of euro to go abroad and do something you don't want to do, and which your older child is too old for? Rather than just say 'No'? Wow.

Jesus Christ. Whatever happened to some cake and jelly and pass-the-parcel in the front room??

It is a group trip, with a birthday party included. I wouldn't worry about not going, if your children are older.
My nieces and nephews over 16, wouldn't be bothered either.

Tell them now, the sooner the better! It's quite reasonable to say that it's not financially viable for you but that you'd love to have a meal or a day out to celebrate Xs birthday with him/her.

Just say "oh that!, I thought the Disney thing was a joke!, It costs hundreds!"