To back out of a child’s birthday

[TwinkleLittleBean]

This is really hard! The birthday child has additional needs. Last year we went along for birthday and paid for 4 of us (hotel and theme park tickets).
This year it’s going abroad. To a place I know we’d love as a family, but it won’t be on our terms if we go round as a group - we’ll be following a lead.

When I was asked, the child was there and I couldn’t say no - it was a “let’s go to X”!!
The price/dates/DH taking time off work - my other DC is a bit too old for it.
It’s a few months away, but when do I start backing out?

It’s going to feel like I’m letting child with SEN, who thinks she might be going somewhere v special. I don’t think they’d go without us. They see my DC as - almost a sibling.

I wouldn’t dream of asking another family to spend £800+ to celebrate a birthday.
I think I’ll just have to say one DC too old, expense etc…ASAP!

Something like that I think you should only go if you want to as it's a bit more of a commitment than 2 hours in the local soft play.

The expectation for you to go abroad for a child's birthday celebration is just way over the top.

I would just politely decline and set this boundary now. Otherwise what will the expectation be next year and the year after?

If the parent gets huffy that is simply their problem.

You don't have to take your whole family somewhere because one of your DC is seen as an "almost sibling" by another child, SEN or not. You don't use up limited resources (money and A/L) on a trip your whole family won't enjoy. Let them know asap.

Hard pass.

And absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, it’s an insane ask to celebrate a kids birthday abroad. It would be a polite but clear decline from me - do it sooner rather than later.

This is insane. You only agree to join holiday plans if it’s something that 100% works for you and your family. It it doesn’t then you say thanks for asking but unfortunately we can’t do it this year because it’s too expensive, you can’t get the time off, you’ve already made holiday plans, you fancy doing something else this year, whatever. The birthday or the SEN needs are irrelevant really. No one goes to Disney or similar on a group trip for a small child’s birthday. Madness. Just offer to join for a day out to a local attraction instead. Like normal people do!

It's ridiculous you feel unable to say no to such a wildly unreasonable request.

Yes, you need to grow a spine and tell them you won't be going. Sheesh.

Your child is not a sibling.

You and your husband need your vacation time for your family, not to placate someone who causes a hideous atmosphere when you say no. That's manipulation.

I have a friend with a child with quite significant additional needs and she has absolutely leaned on me a few times and we have 100% put ourselves out a bit now and again to be helpful to her and to be kind to her child.

I don't think that's weird.

But it does sound like this has gone too far. This person has forgotten that you are doign them favours and/or being kind and that spending all your time with them, accomodating their child is NOT something you do by choice. My DD sometimes has to grin and bear it at an event or activity. I'd never spend £1000s and make her suck it up for an entire holiday.

Thank you for validating what I was thinking! It felt like the idea was suddenly sprung upon me before I have a chance to even process. Another couple of examples - whisking my DC off potentially - in a car with no car seat, asking me to do free childcare, giving me a ‘lift’ but finding out I was without a seat belt in a van at the last moment..
I think I am usually assertive?? but this whole situation just seems to home in on a weakness I have.
I also feel like I’m somehow responsible for her child having a good time, and if I don’t comply - then I will upset her child…

Abroad? For a child's birthday? And you're not family? Utter madness to even consider it!

Message as soon as possible “I have been looking at your suggestion that we all go to X for Ys birthday. Unfortunately we just can’t afford it and DH would struggle to get time off at that time of year, so we’ll need to pass. We would love to take Y out to local amusement spot/lunch/etc.”

Well of course you say no why is that so hard

Can you distance yourselves from them? I get they've had some hard times but your latest post shows that they are massive cheeky fuckers and you would be well within your rights to decide you no longer want to b friends with them.
doesn't sound like much of a friendship anyway, very one sided

I feel like there's information missing, and so cannot really say either way.

that's becuase the reality is it's probably true. ie without you, her child WILL enjoy it less.

The difference between this person and my friend is that my friend KNEW we have done this to be kind and a big prt of her process has been to teach her DD that she can't expect my DD to be there all the time or to prioritise her all the time.

It's hard though. No one wants to upset a child we care about and I am sure you DO care about this child.

Yanbu as I'd not pay that for my own birthday let alone someone else's. Just tell the parents no.

I agree.

Im taking a guess this is a trip to Disney, Paris or similar and it’s more a group visit at the time of the child’s birthday? Do you usually go on trips together? If so why is this one bothering you more than other weekends away together?

I think there is a drip feed coming.

If you do free chilcare i imagine they want free childcare on their hoilday.
time to step away from this friendship.

I think these people know that you struggle to say no, and take advantage of that.
You are being kind for their benefit, to your own detriment.

Tell them it just doesn't work for you. Whatever they decide to do is for them sort. Not your concern.

I hate to be a typical Mumsnetter, but after your most recent update - why the hell are you friends with these people?

I also feel like I’m somehow responsible for her child having a good time, and if I don’t comply - then I will upset her child…

This is ridiculous. Your priority is your DC. At least one of them won't want to go and it'll take family finances and a/l away from doing something else your family want to do. There's your answer.

And saying yes then backing out can't actually cause less issues than saying no in the first place, no one wants to be messed around and told yes if you mean no, make plans then have you drop out. That's just annoying. Is this person actually a friend if you can't be honest and you have to agree to stuff you don't want to do?

I think they are being a bit cf and know it. Did they deliberately not tell you about the seat belt and the car seat? People like that exploit the politeness of others, I’m sure they know you aren’t comfortable and the holiday isn’t really for you but they don’t care if they are getting what they want.

I'd pull out but do so early so that they don't lose any money.

When I’ve said ‘I can’t’ before, it seems to cause a hideous atmosphere

So what-sorry, but they sounds really hard work! They are not family, they do not listen to what you want to do-friends don't treat people like that.

I would see them much much less.

Does nobody know how to say 'No' anymore?!

I think I am usually assertive?? but this whole situation just seems to home in on a weakness I have.
I also feel like I’m somehow responsible for her child having a good time, and if I don’t comply - then I will upset her child…

Oh jeez. You were one of those parents who couldn’t say “you’re out” to my disabled daughter playing musical statues at a birthday party, even though she was shakier than a flag in a breeze. These kids are not ticking timebombs. They don’t explode at the merest sign of disappointment.