To back out of a child’s birthday

[TwinkleLittleBean]

This is really hard! The birthday child has additional needs. Last year we went along for birthday and paid for 4 of us (hotel and theme park tickets).
This year it’s going abroad. To a place I know we’d love as a family, but it won’t be on our terms if we go round as a group - we’ll be following a lead.

When I was asked, the child was there and I couldn’t say no - it was a “let’s go to X”!!
The price/dates/DH taking time off work - my other DC is a bit too old for it.
It’s a few months away, but when do I start backing out?

It’s going to feel like I’m letting child with SEN, who thinks she might be going somewhere v special. I don’t think they’d go without us. They see my DC as - almost a sibling.

I wouldn’t dream of asking another family to spend £800+ to celebrate a birthday.
I think I’ll just have to say one DC too old, expense etc…ASAP!

Unpick this. These are a series of choices you have made. Nobody made you do these things at gunpoint. You are at liberty to say no to childcare, no to taking your child somewhere without a carseat, no to Disneyland Paris or whatever this nonsense is. You are weakly going along with this stuff because you can't face the discomfort you think you will feel if you say no. And who cares if you upset her child? Whose feelings are more important, yours or your friend's child?

I do that. It’s terrible thing. I wish I didn’t do it but I can’t stop myself. It’s weird.

You're definitely not assertive 😬

Musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey's arse.

We used to love that sort of thing and it cost pennies.

Yabu not to have just said no straight away! That's insanity, and im a parent to a sen child!

Probably sound harsh, but a child getting upset by what you do/don't do isn't your problem or stress to hold. Prioritise YOURSELF and YOUR family.

Going against the grain here but I don’t think an abroad trip for someone’s birthday is that outrageous if everyone would want to go so I don’t blame the friend for suggesting if you usually do these types of things together. Example, I have a mum friend who I’ve been away to Butlin’s and Disneyland Paris with so if she suggested it I wouldn’t think it was that wild and would try to go.

Experiences are much more important than material gifts in my opinion. I’m the type of mum who regularly does this kind of thing for my kids birthdays.

If you don’t want to go though you should definitely say sooner rather than later so she can make a plan B.

let me get this clear......YOU have supported THEM through several emotional situations so this means they get to put your child in a car with no car seat and forces you to spend out small fortunes on their child's birthday?????? W the actual F?

I think you need to say no, but maybe soften the blow a bit, because clearly the parents have a lot invested in this, by suggesting other possible activities, a special day at the zoo with an animal experience for example, or just a trip to the zoo with a picnic.

Just seen your update. Sod the zoo! I vote for parachute games and a bubble machine in the park.

Are you seriously saying they’re going abroad for a birthday for a child. MAD. I would not be going!! You keep mentioning SEN. I don’t think this is relevant at all! Treat them like you would anybody else, don’t action based on guilt. I think it’s quite unkind actually to treat people differently in these types of ways when really what everyone wants is to feel ‘normal’ .. whatever that means Xo

I’ve just been invited to a hen party. I immediately thanked them for the invite but politely declined because I hate parties, people and organised fun. It was easy, I just said I can’t go.

There is no way on earth I would ever go on holiday for someone’s birthday. In fact, my 17 year old neice, who has Down’s syndrome is having a family holiday abroad for her 18th. Not a chance I am going to that. Nope, not happening. I understand why they’re going away for that but I’m just not doing it.

Tell them ASAP

@TwinkleLittleBean I'm sorry to say that you are enabler. You do things to avoid a conflict(which btw is not assertive) but actually intend on letting them down anyways.
I have SEN members of family and work with SEN kids. I find it is best to be honest but kind. 'I'm really sorry sweetheart but I'm not sure that is going to work. Perhaps we can think of a party together that is based on the theme. This means we can spend your birthday together doing the things you and DC enjoy. That way everyone can be involved.'
You are feeling guilty (perhaps slightly coerced) into doing something detrimental to your family. If the other mother is dependent on your DC for her DC to have fun, then that isn't a healthy relationship either.

This is absolutely unreasonable of them to expect that of anyone! If they have an issue with you saying no then I don't think these are the kind of people I wouldn't want to have much else to do with anyway. Also you need to knock this on the head now, hotel and theme park last year, abroad this year, where will it end!

Me too

If you know you'd like it as a family why don't u turn it into a holiday? Spend a few hours with them then go your own way.

Why are they having such an elaborate celebration anyway? What's wrong with a day at a safari park or soft play? We did go away for my sisters 50th last year right enough. Can we say it's different if it's an adult? 😆

If you really don't want to go just say it's a but expensive for something that's not a main holiday but if yous book to go as a family without them be prepared for them to be miffed x

It's ridiculous, OP. Fortunately all you have to say is that having investigated the costs and travel etc, you need to let them know that you can't afford it. Cost of living etc. Not possible to spend the best part of a grand on a trip to Disney.

And that's that.

You say no, if they feel funny about it that's on them. I used to say yes to stuff too cause I felt awkward saying no. Getting older teaches you you aren't obliged to people please.

If you flat out can't say no, always have something prepared. ie don't think my husband can get that time off, we've already booked to go away, that's a but expensive for my budget, that's not something my kids would like, or just simply 'I'll get back to you on it' then you send a message saying no can do, it doesn't fit with us. But I will say honesty is the best policy. I'm sorry but s trip abroad would be our holiday.

You need to let them know now if you don’t intend to go. I personally wouldn’t.

Go. Stick it on the credit card. You only live once.

Last year was a theme park and hotel, this year abroad, next year it will be to join Katy Perry for a trip to space to celebrate his birthday 😂

Who expects people to travel abroad for your child's birthday party???

It will blow over. Say no, let th "atmosphere" happen. If it's really an expectation it's a ridiculous one.

If this child's joy really stands or falls on your children (their cousins?) being there then the parents need to organise something they can reasonably attend. Say no, say it's completely out of your budget, do not get sucked into an argument about special deals etc. Set a mental budget for the birthday and stick to it - and it can be a lot less than you spent last year.

Do these people actually like you or do they like what you can do for them?

A few of my friends children have SEN and they are treated equally to all the other children in the group. So no I wouldn’t do it just because their child has SEN. I also wouldn’t do something like Disney for any child’s birthdays except my own children, as that type of trip is not fair and far too costly to not be able to do things on your own terms.

Are they inviting a whole bunch of people/kids, or is this just a your family and theirs thing? Do you do stuff like this together often?

If you can't afford it or it's too much of a logistical nightmare, just be honest. Maybe have a more reasonable backup option to suggest if you're worried about her taking it the wrong way. Would there ever be a scenario where just your DC went along with them?

No problem with spending money on nice trips personally, but I have a massive problem with people trying to pressure others into doing so. She really shouldn't have asked you in front of the kids!