To back out of a child’s birthday

[TwinkleLittleBean]

This is really hard! The birthday child has additional needs. Last year we went along for birthday and paid for 4 of us (hotel and theme park tickets).
This year it’s going abroad. To a place I know we’d love as a family, but it won’t be on our terms if we go round as a group - we’ll be following a lead.

When I was asked, the child was there and I couldn’t say no - it was a “let’s go to X”!!
The price/dates/DH taking time off work - my other DC is a bit too old for it.
It’s a few months away, but when do I start backing out?

It’s going to feel like I’m letting child with SEN, who thinks she might be going somewhere v special. I don’t think they’d go without us. They see my DC as - almost a sibling.

I wouldn’t dream of asking another family to spend £800+ to celebrate a birthday.
I think I’ll just have to say one DC too old, expense etc…ASAP!

It’s just us as a family, and last time was a year ago for the previous birthday.

As to whether it’s a true friendship - it is, I generally works well and our children are best friends. However there is a dynamic of control/compliance. We are compliant as a family, including my DC. Are we happy in the friendship? Yes. But occasionally our compliance boundary gets pushed too far and this is an example - and I’ve given other examples.

I don’t think I can necessarily change to be assertive, as it’s just not me. I get a joy out of supporting, helping, volunteering etc.

And overall, if we went it would be a positive memorable experience - for both the children.

I'll be honest I'm couldnt get on board with this "friendship" their expectations are insane.
I thought the jaw drop was the theme park and hotel but no it was a trip abroad.

You've nailed the actual cause of it yourself

I get a joy out of supporting, helping, volunteering etc.

Whenever i see these mad sorts of situations the victim continues to engage because they are getting a "need met"
Here is your need.
How far are you willing to compromise your safety / your family time/ your finances to keep them happy and placated and not rock the boat?

Personally i'd find another less complex way to get your needs met because you aren't actually prioritising your own children and they will notice and wont thank you.

I speak from experience here

Surely you're at least conflicted about actively putting your DC in the position of being a 'compliant friend' because this friendship dynamic brings you joy? Don't you hope for healthier relationships for them?

You've even allowed your DC's safety to be compromised.

The child’s SEN has nothing to do with anything, you are in an abusive relationship with this woman and that needs to stop.

Exactly this. Would you have agreed to this if the child didn’t have SEN?

Being assertive and being supportive are not mutually exclusive. It's about having boundaries and self-respect and not allowing yourself to be bullied into doing things that you do not want to do. Be a good role model to your children and learn how to stand up for yourself.

why can't you just say no. and what has it got to do with the child having SEN?

Nobody remotely normal asks other people to spend that much time and money to attend a birthday party .

just grow a pair and turn it down.

Rather than just say no (which you need to do asap), I'd also be having a word to let them know how batshit crazy it is. It may cause a massive atmosphere, or even end the friendship, but ffs, someone needs to point out the obvious to them 🤔😀

Yeah you have to sort this, you definitely already know!

I was wondering, when you said additional needs, whether you meant a mild LD, ADHD etc, OR a very profound disability with severe health complications, life limiting illness etc - because I think for me that would make more sense if we are talking about having huge expensive birthday events that involve travel like that. You can absolutely say it’s not affordable this year, and suggest something else fun and proportionate to help celebrate. If you’re fearful of a huge fallout then you know that’s emotional blackmail and this friendship is not good.

If this family are surviving something really devastating (like the scenario I was wondering about above), then it is understandable that they are intense about birthdays and life events and a bit self absorbed - but if not, then you do sound like a bit of an emotional hostage and a people pleaser (not a dig, I only recognise it because I am the same!).

We sometimes go away with another family and I'd never dream of classing it as for one child's birthday, it makes the dynamic all wrong. It does sound like they've just floated the idea, so I'd hold off saying anything. If it becomes more concrete it'll give you a factual "ohhhh sorry, I didn't realise it'd cost xyz or be on those dates etc etc" - better to save your excuses. I think it's mad to ask someone to give up annual leave and so much money for a birthday, it will indeed leave you a bit stuck in terms of having to follow their plan and build the trip around their child....

I have a SEN child. I had immense guilt when he had a soft play party and some non invited older siblings came (absolutely no issue what's so ever, DC is welcoming regardless) and I felt bad parents had to pay for older kids to join in as they weren't accounted for in the party. Never mind a holiday abroad!!

So you're teaching your children to be compliant and allow people they have relationships with to control them? That should end well.

" However there is a dynamic of control/compliance. We are compliant as a family, including my DC."
As soon as you have said this, its not an equal friendship......and the joy you get from helping, volunteering and so on doesn't mean that it includes feeling bad because a friend's child is upset or that friend using your child as a companion for hers. Why could they not take the holiday on their own?
Your situation is all kinds of batshit wrong. Wrong for you and a terrible example for your child, bringing them up modelling that its their duty in life to be used.
I think kindly that you are making excuses. You can be assertive and have boundaries and still be a helpful and supportive person.

That's crazy who would expect family to pay to go on holiday for a child birthday.

Exactly this. I mean, you’ve put your child in danger because you can’t say no to a trip without a car seat. If there’s an accident, that’s on you.

Of course you can learn to say no. Do you really want your children to grow up as people-pleasers like you, unable to maintain boundaries, refuse, prioritise their own safety and well-being? What happens when they’re subject to peer pressure? When someone tries to do something sexual they don’t want?

Work on your assertiveness for their sake if not for your own. As the child of a chronic people-pleaser who taught her daughter to be equally compliant, (1) it’s not a good trait in any way and (2) it’s much harder to unpick those behaviours in adulthood when your parent/s have taught you to be compliant, that saying no isn’t an option, and that people will only like you if you’re compliant. Those are incredibly damaging behaviours to model, like chainsmoking around young children.

I doubt your child considers this girl their best friend when they’re forced to be ‘compliant’ and do whatever the girl wants. You’re teaching your child to be a doormat and not have a voice. You need to become assertive and show your child how to be assertive.

This. Compliance is not a good quality to teach your child, especially if they're a girl. It puts them at significantly more risk of being manipulated and exploited.

Is the child likely to not have a long life? If so I'm guessing mum is trying to make lots of memories for them.

"I think I'm usually assertive"

"I don’t think I can necessarily change to be assertive, as it’s just not me."

OP, was one of these a typo? You're contradicting yourself.

Oh dear, your last comment is crazy.

Your poor child.

Assuming it’s just an invitation to tag along and not a summons? Just say you can’t make it for xyz reason?
I don’t necessarily think going abroad for a birthday and leaving an open invite for family to tag along if they wish is a bad thing btw, but you shouldn’t be feeling guilted into it.

Your dc is learning how to behave from you. I would be role modelling assertiveness to her not going along with everything your friend says.

When you say your dc is compliant with her too that is really concerning.

Agree! Why should everyone tip toe around this parent? Your child will pick up on your energy and will model your behaviour. Even though they are friends I wonder how much your daughter gives in to the demands of the child when they play together. Your daughter seems very understanding but why do you tread so carefully around this parent? Is this a true friendship?

Who takes kids abroad for a birthday party?absolutely bizarre behaviour and expecting others to come aswell then throwing a strop when they can't / wont is even stranger.
Having SEN is no excuse

"I don’t think I can necessarily change to be assertive, as it’s just not me. I get a joy out of supporting, helping, volunteering etc."

So what's the point of this thread if you're resigned to a life of being compliant and never putting yourself first?