To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

[namechangesafe]

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

Please take your baby right now and go to A&E. Tell them everything. It is in your own best interests, and your baby's.

@bigboykittyit wasn’t minus degrees is he as spring weather. Still not ok as we all know even in summer 10pm in the UK is often chilly but yes he says he is dressing baby for the indoor temperature and the short trip to the car is fine even if cold.

he makes me feel silly for packing three sets of spare clothes in his bag (even though his gran said she often uses them), he criticised me once because I packed clothes and forgot the nappy I think it was and he said I forget the important things but he’s got lots of clothes. Totally unecessary.

apparently though he praises me to everyone else so they tell me.

What about your baby’s best option? They are so little and vulnerable and relying entirely on you to make the right decisions to keep them safe. You need to tell everything to people in real life who can help you. Not just one or two ‘battles’ but all the disagreements and dangerous things your husband has done.

@Werpi don’t see what it will solve - it’s why I see the therapist

Op I have just read previous comments about the way your husband is treating you & your poor baby please get help and protect your baby what if you ever had to leave them alone with him I am scared to think what could happen if he is doing this sort of thing when you are there and he doesn’t care. If something is to happen your baby you will never be able to live with yourself. I imagine you are scared, emotionally drained, it’s not what you imagined etc. but you are this little baby’s Mama they have no one else you need to stand up now and help them, you can & need to do it.

OP, I think your confusion and feeling detached from reality is due to cognitive dissonance. Your maternal instincts are screaming at you to stop protect your baby (from DH) but because he is abusive and has gaslit you into thinking all the problems are yours, you don’t feel able to say these things to him for fear of his reaction.

You are in conflict because you see what he does and your instinct is to not let that happen to your baby but you can’t bring yourself to say something because he’s trined you not to.

It sounds like he’s projecting his abusive behaviour onto you…he’s the gaslighter, he’s abusive etc. He’s twisting everything around and making you the problem. What was your feeling after the therapy session? Did you feel like the therapist blamed you for all the marital problems? Did you feel embarrassed afterwards or was him mentioning it the first it was a notion?

From what you’ve written, he gets to parent how he wants but you don’t. He can freely criticise you and tell you what you’re doing wrong, but you can’t do the same. He can tell you how awful you are but you can’t tell him. This is not right.

From what you have posted:

Cleaned the baby’s face with a dirty cloth (sorry, but this is gross. I used to live with someone who was a “neat freak” who would use the same cloth to wipe every surface within an inch of its life, clean chopping boards after cutting raw chicken then clean the bin lid (🤢) then put the cloth back on the sink to use again. Absolutely grim. Add a floor clean to that and I wouldn’t even want to touch it. To use that cloth on a 3 month old’s face is completely unnecessary and utterly disgusting.Take the extra 30 seconds to get a clean muslin for God’s sake).

Regularly lifts and walks while dangling a 3 month old (what about his head?! It’s still meant to be supported at that age, be remind the dislocation potential).

Prop feeds the baby.

Leaves baby in a dark room to cry.

Doesn’t care that water is splashing all over DC’s face when bathing (given what you’ve written about this man it won’t be the odd splash of water. I’m guessing it’s a full on splash with a “He’s fine”).

Refused to put a blanket on a (guessing) weeks old baby.

Those are just the things he does to your DC that are dangerous/neglectful/wilfully incompetent. All the while he’s acting like he invented parenting and doesn’t need to be told anything as he knows it all. Add to that the fact that he is shutting you down at every opportunity and not letting you parent. Yes, having a newborn is difficult and many couples argue due to lack of sleep or differences of opinion, but this isn’t that. He’s controlling you through your baby. When you rightfully challenge his terrible parenting, he tells you you’re toxic and abusive and the reason your marriage is failing and blames you for “ruining” his fatherhood. Sod that. He’s going to injure your child. He doesn’t care what your DC feels or thinks and that is going to get worse as DC gets older. He’ll not allow your child the space to be who they want to be. They will be criticised, bullied, and kept in their place.

You say you don’t want to start arguments the whole time. Have you thought that if DH wasn’t such a terrible parent you wouldn’t need to constantly point out what he’s doing wrong? You also say you don’t want to risk ruining your marriage by mentioning these things. Are you sure it’s worth saving?

YABU to keep posting about DH's unreasonable and at times abusive behaviour and doing nothing about it. The minute you said ''I don't want this post linked to others'' I knew exactly who you were.

DH isn't a good dad and you need to protect your baby. Wake up.

It will keep your baby safe. It’s not about you sorting you marriage. It’s about you protecting your baby. I’m not trying to be harsh as I actually think you’re a victim. But the most important thing here is your husband potentially hurting your baby

Id be interested to know if you tell your mum how he treats the baby and what her reaction would be if she knew how scared you are to intervene on dangerous behaviour

@Lolapushthinewstly. The therapist is often on my side but I’ve convinced myself to think it’s because I’m her client she’s only getting my side!!

it’s why I want marriage counselling again because if we are both together at least even I’m confident that we are both hearing the same version of events.

the bath time u haven’t said anything about because again, I suppose babies do go swimming and get water over them but he is drenching babies head repeatedly (like squeezing the wash cloth on his head. I honestly think he’s playing but it irritates me, who wants water running in their eyes or maybe I’m being dramatic. I can honestly not even tell anymore

OP - firstly, you are a good mother.

Unfortunately, your husband is abusing you and your shared baby. He doesn’t really think of your baby as a separate human being. He thinks of your baby as some toy extension of himself. He handles your baby roughly and carelessly in ways that might hurt your baby. He is horribly arrogant. He has none of the right, protective instincts. You’re tied in knots because of the endless gaslighting and bullying.

I agree with PP that it would be a good idea for you to speak to Women’s Aid for advice on next steps.

could you read the rest of the thread before commenting? This poor OP and her baby are being bullied and abused by the dad.

Did anyone else pick up the OP comment about the dad pouring water over the baby’s head in the bath so that baby is blinking away the water? This is simply unnecessary for such a tiny baby. This man is abusive. It will only get worse.

The praising op to others but hypercritical behind closed doors.
That's the worst kind charm personified outside and bastard inside.

You’re still talking about settling arguments with your husband. Everyone else is talking about how you keep your baby safe.

Telling an HV, GP or someone else official everything that has happened will let them help you keep baby safe.

Op I find this quite frustrating now you seem to be more caught up in the marriage counselling scenario and seem to be really missing the BIGGEST picture here you have a poor vulnerable 3 month old baby that is been treated horrendously by this man and I am sorry you are vulnerable, drained etc but you seem to be nearly brushing off or minimising the things he is doing to this poor baby. I really hope there is a way of MN tracing this post in order to protect this child as it’s scary to think someone can be writing this is happening and for nobody to be able to protect them.

Op I think he’s done a number on you. It sounds like your anxiety, which many people experience
after a baby, is now used as an excuse for him to reject any criticism of him and belittle you, even when you raise very justifiable concerns. It’s also caused great distrust in yourself. Look at what trusted people (like your family and your therapist) are saying though, that you are making good judgement calls. And look at your gut reaction to the treatment of your baby. You may have magnified some smaller concerns but you instinctively know the answer to your bigger concerns so stick to your guns in those areas.

The more you describe the more chilling it gets...of course "apparently though he praises me to everyone else so they tell me."

Had one of those yes. Exp did this.
It is bizarre but seems to be a part of the plan they have whether thought out or not

If as he otherwise says to you it is all your fault why does he stay?
Because he wants to keep you there where he can control you
He will tell you no one else will put up with you
He really does sound awful ...I am sorry .
Tell your therapist more and pose the question to yourself: What if you left?

Perhaps you can hope your baby does get a dislocated elbow from the way he holds him so you can tell the doctor and ss ........and get support to leave

Shoot me now cos I used the inside of the jumper DGS had on. to mop the snot of his face ( as I was taking it off )

Yesterday I spat on a tissue to get the glued on ice cream off his face

( Not a natural granny, we wing it, he's 3 , the other two are 11 and 18 and thriving )

My older sister uses the same manky sponge she washes the dishes with to wipe the sides down with spray bleach. I think it’s disgusting she doesn’t see what the issue is. She acts all la de da looks down her nose at people but that’s what she’s washing her dishes with.😂😂😂

It is not about the cloth suki. Read the rest of op s posts

@namechangesafe YANBU at all.

Regarding the dishcloth, yanbu. It’s not just the bacteria, it’s the chemical residue left in the cloth from cleaning products used. Any pp trivialising that has no idea what they are talking about or does but is just getting their kicks out of misleading you. Anyone can post on Mumsnet so keep that in mind. I have worked with many families over the years and I am a parent too. To put things into perspective, I have never met a parent (mum or dad) who has used a used dishcloth on their baby’s face. It’s not normal. I do think he is being abusive to you and using the baby as a way to hurt you.

And yes pulling baby up by their arms at this age could do serious injury. I had a friend whose parents were friends with a couple who were foster parents to a baby with a fractured arm caused by the dad dressing baby too roughly.

Trust yourself, trust your maternal instincts to protect your baby. You are a good mum and you are not being overprotective. You are being a very normal parent.

Your therapist is not going to agree with you because you pay her, she’s going to agree with you because you’re right.

Ignore everything else for a second, your husband is repeatedly doing multiple things that even the most inexperienced person would think twice about. Everyone knows you have to lift newborns carefully…scoop them up, support the head. The water thing? Once maybe could be over enthusiastic, but seeing the baby’s reaction you would quickly seeing it was causing distress and you would stop. To keep doing something that is clearly distressing a newborn is cruel. Especially something that is totally unnecessary and while the baby’s mum is watching and has said not to etc. He’s being deliberately cruel to your baby in front of you.

Weaponising a newborn to control and punish their mother is a serious level of evil.

He is not a good man.

He is not a good father.

He is not a good husband.

He is dangerous.

He is abusive.

What is your relationship history? How old were you when you got together? Is there an age gap? What were your previous relationships like? It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mum. What did DH do that your mum called out? Please start telling her everything. Sounds like she will support you and you need support. You are in an abusive relationship and I think you need to escape.

@suki1964 what op has revealed goes way beyond the dish cloth to wipe the baby's face.

OP, you keep banging on about 'your' feelings...frankly, I don't give a damn about your feelings, your husband or your marriage...what I do care about is a tiny baby that is at the mercy of half-arsed and frankly dangerous parenting from both of you.

Your baby should be your number one priority in your life right now. Your husband is a shit parent who is putting the health and safety of his child at serious risk. You should be getting your baby as far away from him as humanly possible.

Some abused women unfortunately don't wake up and see reality until their baby is taken into emergency foster care by social services. It's like they're under a spell.