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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Namechangean · 30/06/2025 00:16

You also need to tell your health visitor, you GP and women’s aid as it will be proof in the event of an injury that you are safe, it’s your DH who isn’t. It will also mean you have proof for whenever you need to leave, there will be a record of his behaviour.

And the best outcome would be a referral to SS who can keep an eye on you both to make sure you baby isn’t coming to any significant harm

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 00:20

My first step is going to be to ask him not to do it, I haven’t done that yet.

he may not know it’s causing harm (the arm thing). As many posters and even the doctor that liked the video said he did it, so please give me a chance to raise this particular issue first before judgement

OP posts:
Kimwestonhelpless · 30/06/2025 00:23

I don't see that achieving anything as in his mind he's always right.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/06/2025 00:28

You’ve had some great advice on this thread re seeking professional help. All I will say is please keep trusting your gut on what is and isn’t safe for your baby as I think you have a good handle on it (and he most certainly doesn’t). Regardless of who is right or wrong in different situations he is being really dismissive of you, which is no basis for a relationship or family.

Namechangean · 30/06/2025 00:28

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 00:20

My first step is going to be to ask him not to do it, I haven’t done that yet.

he may not know it’s causing harm (the arm thing). As many posters and even the doctor that liked the video said he did it, so please give me a chance to raise this particular issue first before judgement

You’ve repeatedly said he will say you’re overprotective or woke if you raise it, so people are basing their concerns on your description of him.

honestly I hope it goes better then you expected and I also hope the responses on here have given you a reality check that you’re not the problem - he is. And you will need to start acting on your concerns again

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/06/2025 00:31

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:21

@MidnightPatroltried it, his response is that when DC are in his care he can parent how he sees fit and when DC are my care he will also leave me to it. And that’s that.

That's a really stupid thing to say.

How he sees fit? How about parent in the best interest of the child?
That means educating himself, not just doing lazy things and continuing to do them when the co-parent (who has more experience) points out it may be unsafe.

What a pig.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/06/2025 00:40

I agree with the previous posters who said he was abusive. Tell your family what he's up to and get help.

JIMER202 · 30/06/2025 00:41

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 23:20

@bigboykittyit wasn’t minus degrees is he as spring weather. Still not ok as we all know even in summer 10pm in the UK is often chilly but yes he says he is dressing baby for the indoor temperature and the short trip to the car is fine even if cold.

he makes me feel silly for packing three sets of spare clothes in his bag (even though his gran said she often uses them), he criticised me once because I packed clothes and forgot the nappy I think it was and he said I forget the important things but he’s got lots of clothes. Totally unecessary.

apparently though he praises me to everyone else so they tell me.

But why didn’t YOU put a blanket on your child? Why did you not immediately say don’t carry my small child like that it’s not safe. He is 3 months ffs! The only dads I’ve ever seen do this was with toddlers! (Still not safe). Did you really leave your baby to cry till they vomitted?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/06/2025 00:43

Gosh OP, having read more of the thread it’s clear this baby is not safe. This man is dangerous and your baby is at risk. You need to seek professional help. You need to put your baby’s safety first now.

Needtofixmyageingskin · 30/06/2025 00:52

LoztWorld · 29/06/2025 21:34

Wow. The fact his instincts even allow him to do that is worrying tbh. I can’t imagine the thought of lifting a baby like that even crossing a normal persons mind at 3 months. They’re so tiny and vulnerable then.

100%. Absolutely shocking.

MidSumner · 30/06/2025 00:58

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:18

@PeapodMcgeenot yet we have a session this week.

I am starting to keep a journal as my realities are often distorted by DH and so I keep it written down now

I hope by 'WE' you mean you & your therapist. NOT you & H. You cannot do therapy with an abusive partner & he IS abusive.

earlier on you said you do not want to (Rui/breaj/spoil -sorry can't remember what weird you used?!) your marriage. You're not! He has!! You need to get you & your baby away from him. It's not 'all your fault' he's just saying that. He's making you think/feel you're in the wrong. You're not!!

you're a good mum! NOT a shit one st all!! But now you need to get away from this man who is dragging you down & destroying your self confidence. He's making you do that you don't know which way is up

Big Hugs!! I wish I knew you & could help you in a real way!
x

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/06/2025 01:07

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 00:20

My first step is going to be to ask him not to do it, I haven’t done that yet.

he may not know it’s causing harm (the arm thing). As many posters and even the doctor that liked the video said he did it, so please give me a chance to raise this particular issue first before judgement

What's the point? You know what his response is going to be.

Everyone knows that you don't pick a small baby up by the arms.

moto748e · 30/06/2025 01:17

Haven't RTFT, but have read all the OP's responses, and Jeez, this is not right. I'm sure Mumsnetters have given appropriate advice upthread.

Kimwestonhelpless · 30/06/2025 01:20

moto748e · 30/06/2025 01:17

Haven't RTFT, but have read all the OP's responses, and Jeez, this is not right. I'm sure Mumsnetters have given appropriate advice upthread.

They have repeatedly almost all saying the same thing.i truly hope op takes some of it onboard and does what's best for the baby.

Barnbrack · 30/06/2025 01:25

Confrontayshunme · 29/06/2025 21:18

YABU your baby will be fine. It isn't the ideal (a clean face only cloth) but it isn't the worst either (IE neglect). Let him parent or you will find yourself doing it all alone.

Cleaning a newborns face with a dirty dishcloth and carrying them across a room dangled by their arms isn't neglect?

Barnbrack · 30/06/2025 01:31

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 23:32

@Lolapushthinewstly. The therapist is often on my side but I’ve convinced myself to think it’s because I’m her client she’s only getting my side!!

it’s why I want marriage counselling again because if we are both together at least even I’m confident that we are both hearing the same version of events.

the bath time u haven’t said anything about because again, I suppose babies do go swimming and get water over them but he is drenching babies head repeatedly (like squeezing the wash cloth on his head. I honestly think he’s playing but it irritates me, who wants water running in their eyes or maybe I’m being dramatic. I can honestly not even tell anymore

That is not normal behaviour and definitely feels abusive. What the hell will he do next. Pick up baby, right now, go to your mums. You're not safe with this person and your baby definitely isnt

Surroundedbyfools · 30/06/2025 01:54

I’d have been horrified by this for my first baby… fast forward to youngest n I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid

TheRoseDeer · 30/06/2025 02:08

I know I have been in this situation but roles reversed where my DH was telling me many things I was doing wrong in his eyes with parenting.

I think that first year for us was so awful as we were both very stressed. I would never re-live it again and we are one and done.

I have no solutions, just remembering

Gremlins101 · 30/06/2025 02:09

My own dad used to use dish cloths (kinda manky ones) on my kids faces and I think it's gross so I made a fuss and it stopped. I went to wipe his face with it one day, and he got the point.

I do think that sometime you have got to let dads dad. Is he generally loving and gentle with his kid? If he's constantly dismissing you that's not nice, but neither is you micromanaging.

Learning to coparent with your husband is one of he hardest parts of parenting in my opinion! But I figured it out with mine (so far) so hope you do too.

Foolsgold74 · 30/06/2025 02:36

Gremlins101 · 30/06/2025 02:09

My own dad used to use dish cloths (kinda manky ones) on my kids faces and I think it's gross so I made a fuss and it stopped. I went to wipe his face with it one day, and he got the point.

I do think that sometime you have got to let dads dad. Is he generally loving and gentle with his kid? If he's constantly dismissing you that's not nice, but neither is you micromanaging.

Learning to coparent with your husband is one of he hardest parts of parenting in my opinion! But I figured it out with mine (so far) so hope you do too.

No, he's not gentle and loving. He pours water over their face repeatedly in the bath, locks the baby in the bedroom and let's them cry until they're sick, he picks them up by their hands and he's abusive and dismissive to the op. He's a nasty piece of work.

Gremlins101 · 30/06/2025 02:51

Foolsgold74 · 30/06/2025 02:36

No, he's not gentle and loving. He pours water over their face repeatedly in the bath, locks the baby in the bedroom and let's them cry until they're sick, he picks them up by their hands and he's abusive and dismissive to the op. He's a nasty piece of work.

Yes I've now taken the time to read more OPs posts. You're right. The whole situation sounds awful.

Sending all strength OP 💐. This doesn't sound healthy and I apologise for my hasty earlier post.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/06/2025 02:55

I wouldn't be happy about this. Especially if it was used and damp, however I am a weirdo when it comes to germs, especially damp.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 03:00

OP you and your tiny baby are being abused.
Your husband has persuaded you that everything is your fault.
Look up DARVO. But not till you've left your husband, and you and the baby are in a place of safety.

I've read lots of your threads, and they're all shocking. Despite all your name changes, it's clear who you are.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

ElderlyPerson · 30/06/2025 03:19

2025ismybestyear · Today 06:47

My husband picked up our toddler by her arms. Hospital. Cast. Not using arm for quite some time. Your h is a twat.

I accidentally dislocated my son's shoulder when playing with him when he was about 12 months old. Had to go to hospital but fortunately he put it back in by himself when he started walking around. I am always horrified now when I hear about little ones being pulled by the arms.

This is more important than the dishcloth.

LoztWorld · 30/06/2025 03:39

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 00:20

My first step is going to be to ask him not to do it, I haven’t done that yet.

he may not know it’s causing harm (the arm thing). As many posters and even the doctor that liked the video said he did it, so please give me a chance to raise this particular issue first before judgement

Hmmm. I am absolutely certain the posters who said they’ve done this before are talking about toddlers and older children, who love being swung by the arms so it can be surprising to learn it can hurt them. Obviously once someone does know they should stop but it’s a very different situation.

Lifting a 3 month old like that goes against all common sense and kindness and would shock anyone you told.

It sounds like your mum can be a great support to you. I really encourage you to have an honest chat with her about all of this.

Hoping for the best for you and your sweet baby. You can take control of this situation, It’s not too late ❤️