Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
OneFineDay13 · 29/06/2025 22:37

Tinkerbellflowers · 29/06/2025 21:20

Im with you. Using a dishcloth to wipe a three month old baby is horrible. And lifting a baby up by their arms is dangerous.

I agree he is being a dick too by all accounts

LillyPJ · 29/06/2025 22:38

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:20

Because it’s a baby and hence why bottles are sterilised etc, it’s different for my own dishes because my immune system is much stronger @Wolfpa

Your babies immune system will get much stronger if you're not too precious about sterilizing everything or keeping the baby away from dirt. Sterilizing bottles is important but not everything has to be that clean.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:39

@Namechangeanhe says he walks on eggshells around me so I don’t call him out for his parenting and other things I’m unhappy with.

we had a huge marriage crisis talk recently, we have been to counselling which didn’t really work as he came away saying it highlighted the issues are mainly me?!!!

I asked if he will go back and he won’t he says it makes h feel uncomfortable that the sessions made ME look bad.

im just totally confused by everything I don’t know what’s right what feels wrong I just feel stuck and unsupported right now.

OP posts:
Werp · 29/06/2025 22:39

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:37

@Namechangeani think it’s always been there but I used to be less vocal about things. With age I’ve started to speak up you could say and it’s creating issues.

He said he feels 90% of relationship issues are me, because I have mood swings and can get angry - but I almost feel maybe a lot of the time I have got some issue that’s fuelling all of this.

im definately blaming myself a lot and also cannot distinguish reality a lot of the time and my perceptions are eroded

This sounds like you do know he’s abusive? In a normal relationship people don’t lose their sense of reality

Kimwestonhelpless · 29/06/2025 22:40

He dismisses, critical on nearly everything you do no middle ground.
Along with his dangerous attitudes towards the baby .
He's not a good man by any stretch of the imagination.
Please take note of other posters that have been in your position.

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 22:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:45

@rwalkerues this is the problem I’m trying so hard to do that. I’m new to this too, baby is only three months. I’m aware I’ve not been picking battles and now I am trying to I am finding it hard to actually know when to say. And even when I do say the battle is worth fighting for I’m often dismissed (not all the time) but most of the time.

my safety concerns are often me being woke or over protective.

What we're trying to say is that

  • any misjudgement you may have made is irrelevant
  • your dh is gaslighting you and leading you to believe your valid concerns are wrong
  • he is doing this intentionally and in itself it is abusive
  • his behaviour is escalating and he's willing to harm the baby just to control you (yes he knows it can hurt the baby, he is doing this on purpose)
  • you don't have to be brave and confront him on these issues as he is abusive and will react with anger / further gaslighting
  • any discussion with him is futile
  • your only option is to leave
namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:40

I honestly feel in his head he is trying to be supportive and good in other ways. Which is what is making things difficult and he said to me he is trying his best but feels his best isn’t enough for me and I’m never happy

OP posts:
Namechangean · 29/06/2025 22:40

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:37

@Namechangeani think it’s always been there but I used to be less vocal about things. With age I’ve started to speak up you could say and it’s creating issues.

He said he feels 90% of relationship issues are me, because I have mood swings and can get angry - but I almost feel maybe a lot of the time I have got some issue that’s fuelling all of this.

im definately blaming myself a lot and also cannot distinguish reality a lot of the time and my perceptions are eroded

I’d speak to women’s aid about how you’re feeling. They might be able to help you unpick his behaviour and help you understand the way you’re feeling is due to him gaslighting you to the point you question your own reality

JIMER202 · 29/06/2025 22:41

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:13

I now feel shittier for not judging my decision on which battle to pick. Calling him out on the dishcloth and not the arm thing.

i just feel like shit

Well I’d have called out both. But then if your husband is being dangerous then it’s what he gets. I would t be doing with any of this pick your battles bullshit, no if you are being dangerous with my baby I will say something.

LoztWorld · 29/06/2025 22:41

Listen OP you’re clearly a good mum or you wouldn’t be bothering to post here about any of this. Don’t beat yourself up about not having reacted strongly to the arms thing. Your heads all over the place with hormones and your husbands behaviour and most of all you’re only THREE MONTHS into being a mum. Like everyone at that stage, you’re learning.

I don’t think your husband is necessarily deliberately causing harm, but he does clearly lack a protective instinct towards his child (especially if he is also the man who left the baby crying in a dark room, as i suspect he is). Unfortunately that makes him dangerous and you need to, at the very least, prevent him from solo parenting while you think about next moves.

Feb85 · 29/06/2025 22:42

Lifting your baby this way is very dangerous and could cause serious harm to your baby. Look up Nursemaids Elbow and show your partner what could happen your poor baby lifting them this way.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:42

This is the issue some of it wasn’t dangerous but for example - in the early weeks of DC being born one evening we were out late 10pmish and he refused to cover him with a blanket to go to the car - this was minus to when the weather was not what it is now. This created issues and I guess you could say a battle I should have left.

because I already picked those battles it is minimising the serious ones

OP posts:
JIMER202 · 29/06/2025 22:42

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:40

I honestly feel in his head he is trying to be supportive and good in other ways. Which is what is making things difficult and he said to me he is trying his best but feels his best isn’t enough for me and I’m never happy

His best is wiping his child’s face with a dirty cloth and risking his arms and elbows dislocating. It’s NOT good enough. And then he whines and bitches if anything is said.

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:44

@LoztWorldill be honest yes it is the same and also the feeding issue. I’m sad posters have linked it all tbh.

it is what it is, my head space isn’t great right now I have a lot on my plate. Maternity leave decision everything is just a LOT right now

OP posts:
Werp · 29/06/2025 22:44

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:40

I honestly feel in his head he is trying to be supportive and good in other ways. Which is what is making things difficult and he said to me he is trying his best but feels his best isn’t enough for me and I’m never happy

I don’t know if there’s any point saying this again but you need to stop worrying about your relationship, and worry about your baby. Listen to your instincts and think of the happy future you can have if you can look after your baby they way they need to be looked after. And compare that to a future where your child is emotionally and possibly physically damaged because you didn’t prioritise their safety and security over trying to appease your husband.

JIMER202 · 29/06/2025 22:44

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:42

This is the issue some of it wasn’t dangerous but for example - in the early weeks of DC being born one evening we were out late 10pmish and he refused to cover him with a blanket to go to the car - this was minus to when the weather was not what it is now. This created issues and I guess you could say a battle I should have left.

because I already picked those battles it is minimising the serious ones

You have got to get over this people pleasing pick your battles bullshit. No anytime your baby is at risk you say something! Stop worrying about morons feelings and think about your baby first always. But in this case why didn’t you put a blanket on baby?

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:45

@JIMER202thats my point we argued about the blanket thing but I’m saying those seem like minor things - and because I’m calling out EVERYTHING it’s making the big issues seem smaller to him if that makes sense

OP posts:
Bonsaibaby · 29/06/2025 22:46

My dd got nursemaids elbow by dh and ds swinging her when she was 2. Luckily opposite a hospital where they clicked it straight back. They said not till she’s 5 are they strong enough to swing.
3 months is not ok he needs to get over himself.

SemperIdem · 29/06/2025 22:46

Wiping the baby’s face with a dirty dishcloth is disgusting. No he absolutely would not wipe his own face with one, regardless of his claims to the contrary.

Picking the baby up as you have described is not only shocking, it is dangerous. A 10 year old child would instinctively know not to do that.

You parenting on your own sounds like the absolute best case scenario for both your baby and you.

Radionowhere · 29/06/2025 22:46

Commonsense22 · 29/06/2025 22:40

What we're trying to say is that

  • any misjudgement you may have made is irrelevant
  • your dh is gaslighting you and leading you to believe your valid concerns are wrong
  • he is doing this intentionally and in itself it is abusive
  • his behaviour is escalating and he's willing to harm the baby just to control you (yes he knows it can hurt the baby, he is doing this on purpose)
  • you don't have to be brave and confront him on these issues as he is abusive and will react with anger / further gaslighting
  • any discussion with him is futile
  • your only option is to leave
Edited

Agree.

LoztWorld · 29/06/2025 22:47

Just to add - it’s so important that you tell your health visitor, gp and other professionals about your husbands behaviour towards your child so it’s on record. And if you have text messages where he’s doing things like urging you to put your tiny baby in nursery for no good reason, keep them. You may need that evidence to show how unsafe he is in the future.

Werp · 29/06/2025 22:47

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:45

@JIMER202thats my point we argued about the blanket thing but I’m saying those seem like minor things - and because I’m calling out EVERYTHING it’s making the big issues seem smaller to him if that makes sense

He’s playing games with you, your baby is a pawn

Huhuhuhu39272 · 29/06/2025 22:48

This thread is insane. I’m at a loss for words but I have to comment

There are videos that talk of what can happen to babies arms if pulled. Show him one. Keywords nursemaids elbow..their arms dislocate.

Tbh, this man wouldn’t even be near my newborn because he is dangerous and arrogant and I’m honestly scared for your child that you see this as minor.

JIMER202 · 29/06/2025 22:49

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:39

@Namechangeanhe says he walks on eggshells around me so I don’t call him out for his parenting and other things I’m unhappy with.

we had a huge marriage crisis talk recently, we have been to counselling which didn’t really work as he came away saying it highlighted the issues are mainly me?!!!

I asked if he will go back and he won’t he says it makes h feel uncomfortable that the sessions made ME look bad.

im just totally confused by everything I don’t know what’s right what feels wrong I just feel stuck and unsupported right now.

This is so troubling. Now you are having to walk on eggshells and compromise on babies safety and comfort to protect a grown man’s feelings. Really?

Also they don’t recommend couples counselling for emotional abuse because the emotional abuser will use it to further victimize their victim. This is a huge red flag that he did exactly that.

Huhuhuhu39272 · 29/06/2025 22:49

Handling a newborn like that makes me wonder how else he is handling the baby. This is shocking

Swipe left for the next trending thread