DH buys loads of sweets

[candyhandy]

I have always viewed sweets and chocolate as a treat. Or a little something sneakily bought every few months; never something that would be part of the weekly grocery shopping. I’ve been slim my whole life but I also had an eating disorder; I eat normally these days.

DH is fit and healthy too, but every shopping trip (maybe 2x per week) he buys about 3-5 big packets of things like skittles, haribo, starburst ando Cadbury 100g bars. The kids see it as snack food, but they will have healthy things instead if I am there, if I offer to prepare it, AND given them a lecture. My kitchen has no hiding spaces, so I can’t hide it. I’ve asked DH to stop buying but he refuses, saying I am too critical.

The DC are healthy and with normal weight and ok teeth but I’ve found myself reeling off the reasons to them for having sweets from rotten teeth, to chemicals from E numbers, to getting fat. Their little faces look so scared, like how can something that’s there, in the safety of the kitchen, that daddy buys, be so bad.

YANBU- one parent needs to be sensible; sweets are a treat only, not a snack
YABU- everyone is healthy and having 3 healthy meals a day; sweet treats daily is ok. Your perception of it all is abnormal because you had an eating disorder for twenty years.

Honestly? Your language around ‘sweets’ sounds quite problematic… sweets don’t specifically make you ‘fat’. It’s just calories in vs out… I can’t say I’d be buying large bags every week but I don’t think the mere presence of sweets in the house needs you to put the fear of god into your kids. How confusing must this all be for them?? Just buy sweets in moderation? Jesus

OP, I say this kindly. Please don’t make your children ‘scared about getting fat.’ The fact you’re admitting their faces look scared about food is worrying to the extreme.

Food is food. Yes, we have a problem with childhood obesity, yes, there is too much ultra processed food around, yes ideally sweets and so on would not be eaten daily.

BUT you need to think carefully (with your husband) about your joint approach. And scaring your children is not the right way, especially as you use the phrase ‘to sneakily buy’ in relation to how you’d buy this stuff. That’s disordered. Why sneak anything?

Your children deserve the healthy diet you provide with the freedom to have some sweet things as part of a normal, healthy, balanced diet (food has no moral value. It doesn’t need to be called a treat.)

I say all this as a parent of a 16 year old with severe anorexia, believe me, you don’t want this to be your children’s future.

I’ve found myself reeling off the reasons to them for having sweets from rotten teeth, to chemicals from E numbers, to getting fat. Their little faces look so scared, like how can something that’s there, in the safety of the kitchen, that daddy buys, be so bad.

You have to stop doing this right now.

I think there is a middle ground between you and your husband. It doesn’t have to be sweets every day, but two or three times a week is fine.

I allowed ‘sweetie day’ on a Wednesday where they each had 50p for sweets. They didn’t ask any other day. This was several decades ago.
You do both need to be following the same rules though.

Sweets should really be a treat I think. I was brought up in the 80's with a father than always had loads of sweets and fizzy drinks about and that can create an unhealthy relationship with food I think as well as being too strict. I think you and your husband need to come up with a unified approach to that kind of thing so as not to be giving your kids a mixed message. So say to your DH he can bring in sweets but only on a friday night for the weekend then during the week it is healthy snacks.

“I’ve found myself reeling off the reasons to them for having sweets from rotten teeth, to chemicals from E numbers, to getting fat. Their little faces look so scared, like how can something that’s there, in the safety of the kitchen, that daddy buys, be so bad.”

stop with the guilt and demonisation! It’s totally necessary and frankly bonkers

yes sweets are a treat for occasional consumption - learning to have a few and not binge eat the lot is a food healthy habit to get into.

keep feeding them other healthier snacks but stop with the guilt inducing speeches - you are going to give them massive food issues / complexes unless you dial it down and you definitely need to start modelling a bit of what you fancy - but in moderation is ok.

My mum has an ED. She brought me up to believe sweets were irresistibly tempting but also evil, and therefore terrifying. Needless to say, I've struggled with food issues my whole life as well.

I wish I'd been brought up in a household where sweets were just there, not good not bad, rather than imbued with some magical qualities. People I know who are the most unconcerned by food seem to have grown up in houses like that.

He's an adult and can buy whatever he wants.

Your language around sweets is really damaging - you need to stop.

YANBU op 6 large bags of sweets a week is excessive.

The points above are reasonable, but I would also think that given your past struggle with an eating disorder, your husband could be a bit more understanding of why you worry and more supportive. Does he know about it? Most parents do at least try to moderate their children's sweets intake. Will he not do that at all? Is this 'fun dad' approach something that characterises all of his parenting, not just the food related moments?

I agree with PP, it sounds like you need a middle ground where sweets are not forbidden fruit but also not freely available.
When my DDs were younger we used to get sweets on the way home from school on a Friday, so a once a week treat. It worked quite well because they weren’t moaning for sweets every time we went to the shops because they knew Friday was sweetie day

My mum had an eating disorder and passed it on to me and I’m still struggling with it 25 years later. Please, and I say this with kindness, stop passing your eating disorder on to your children. They will struggle with it their whole lives. No food is good or bad - it’s calories in vs calories out

Your ‘lectures’ sound bad for the DC regarding food issues.

But DH’s habits don’t sound good either.

The way you talk about sweet treats contains damaging language that tracks back to ED to be honest. You are teaching them to also struggle with food, to have guilt around things even in moderation. You're making them scared and you are making them distrust their father. You and your husband need to find a middle ground - i.e. sweets on a weekend only. But the way you are talking to them - and the fact you mention their rotten teeth and getting fat is just abusive. You are terrifying your children and it's patently wrong. Maybe your ED struggles are not as far in the past as you might like to believe - maybe you need to talk to someone about your absolutist attitude? I feel for your kids.

There has to be a middle ground between you and your DH. You say you have an eating disorder, well you're in the way to your children developing one to.

I’ve found myself reeling off the reasons to them for having sweets from rotten teeth, to chemicals from E numbers, to getting fat. Their little faces look so scared, like how can something that’s there, in the safety of the kitchen, that daddy buys, be so bad.

It sounds like you’re the one scaring them. Is anything even made with e numbers anymore?
Theres no issue with having a portion controlled treat once or twice a week.

I don’t think the problem here is your OH buying all the sweets (but yes this should be less).

The problem is the very wrong view your are presenting to your children. I get you had an ED and that has skewed your view but if your kids are scared of getting fat this is dangerous, problematic and on you.

Yes, 6 to 10 large bags of sweets and 4 big bars of chocolate a week is a lot. Is he eating most of this himself? Blimey, he needs to think about his teeth!

You're both too extreme IMO.

I don't think anybody needs to eat 3-5 big bags of haribo and 100g chocolate bars 2x a week, but once every few months is also bizarre and your efforts to scare the kids away from sweets are dysfunctional.

A small amount of sweets/chocolate a couple of times a week is probably more typical. Plus more on special occasions e.g. Christmas, birthdays, birthday party, Easter etc.

Its an excessive amount of sweets to buy every week, I agree with you. They're not something you should have every day; its not a normal way to eat. I would be pissed if DP kept bringing all that home.

I don't have sweets in the house - literally can't remember a time I've ever bought a big bag of sweets. DD has some sweets if she's at a birthday party or at christmas but thats about it, and I don't apologise for that. She's got good teeth. She has a few ice creams over summer. There's often a cake in the house. But her snacks are cheese and crackers, peanut butter sandwich, bananas, carrot sticks dipped in cream cheese etc. Stuff that gives her the right kind of energy, not sugar highs.

At the moment you're both operating on very opposite / extreme ends of the spectrum on sweets. There's middle ground to be found but it needs discussion.

You’re absolutely right OP and this is why we, as a country are in the state that we are with obesity.

Your Husbands sweet stash is excessive and far too much and it’s such a bad example to the DC - we are so conditioned now in this country that to eat this way is the norm, or everything in moderation when actually no, moderation is the odd small bag once a week, not the quantity that your Oh is buying.

Can’t help but wonder if your dh buying so many sweets is a (clumsy) attempt to put balance into food in your household?

if you are giving the lectures you mentioned up thread - it is obviously a big issue to you. Is there anything else that you do because of your ED that he might be trying to ‘counteract’ to try to make food fun and not as intense as it obviously is for you. Is he trying to take the emphasis off everything has to be nutritional and healthy?

I think you really need to seek some help re your eating disorder - especially around managing it in front of your children and to learn how to talk about food in a more balanced and nuanced manner so you don’t push them towards an ED too.

I don’t think it’s abnormal to buy sweets in the weekly shop - I buy a multipack of chocolate bars or a bag of sweets everytime I’m in a supermarket and my children see sweets in cupboards or just lying around. They eat three reasonably nutritious and filling meals a day, if they want a funsize mars bar or a handful of haribo they can have it. It’s just food - I don’t use it as a reward, I don’t suggest it to “cheer them up” and I don’t lecture them on the health impacts of a few maltesers. Sometimes they fancy it, sometimes they don’t. They are a healthy weight and have decent teeth and they don’t pester me for sugar or go nuts at parties.

Hiding food, calling it “treats” and giving lectures on its evils is just setting them up for a really unhealthy relationship with food. You are absolutely not the parent who should be leading on your children’s diets, at least not without professional support.

Carry on "Lecturing" your DC and in time they will not hear you. You will be white noise. They will likely stash sweets and eat in secret.
And this will be caused by your own anxiety.
You lost me at "Their scared little faces" or words to that effect.

The way you talk about your children getting fat is utterly disgusting.

You scaring them is going to give them an eating disorder - just like you had.

If you are genuinely concerned about what your children are eating then send them to a nutritionist.