To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

I checked recently following a similar discussion elsewhere. Only about 2.5% of the over 65s are in residential care. Many of those will have no close relatives. So most people do help. If you have money, excellent care at home is available. If you don’t have money, life can be very difficult. An excellent local company provides carers at £34ph each, come in 2s, minimum 2 hour slot. A friend who relies on social care is sent untrained carers. She can’t stand, let
alone walk, so is reliant on others. Her family do what they can but have other, quite heavy, responsibilities. Certainly not the type of scenario one can plan for.

Yes to every single word of this! People think LA care is the answer to everything when all it does is keep people alive (most of the time). But you're right - if you haven't experienced it, how would you know?

That sounds very cold and selfish. Very much, Me, mevme! Your mother gave birth to you and your parents brought you up. To just leave them to it is, in my opinion, unkind and uncaring. To pass the buck to your siblings and not lift a finger is just as bad. Be prepared for the consequences, it doesn’t sound as if you will have any guilt. There is a way to do these things in moderation, whilst not being so hard about the matter.

What about all the thousands of Young Carers? They are amazing in helping to look after their parents or siblings. I became physically disabled at the age of 46 and both my DC were brilliant! They went to a Young Carers group once a week, along with lots of other local children. As I adapted to my disability they didn't have to do so much, but I was still very grateful for their help. These days, I now have additional health issues which require hospital appointments etc, and my DD very kindly takes me.

Please remember that any of us can become disabled at any age. It doesn't always just happen to the elderly. In fact, a good friend of mine is almost 81 and she is much more able-bodied than me at the age of 66.

I guess I should be happy that my parents had the good sense to die when I was a teenager.

Interesting you’ve chosen to get married to a main with a chronic illness, Op. if he needs help or support with anything do you tell him to go fuck himself in the way you’re gonna tell your parents and in-laws? @Fragmentedbrain

In my experience with my mother in law and now my mum, quite a high degree of liaising between different medical and social care services has been needed as they got into their nineties and developed dementia. With a hands off approach such as you’re looking at, where a package of support was set up and then left to the agencies, there wouldn’t be anyone to notice if carers didn’t turn up or weren’t doing what needed to be done. Some are great, others less so. I have always (since it’s been needed) accompanied/ taken mum to chiropodist, audiology, memory clinic, GP, optician. Noticed if she needed anything renewing, and bought it. Dealt with her finances under power of attorney. Organised some help in the garden when needed, household repairs, laundry, etc etc - Made sure she eats reasonably well including reminding her to eat. This is a pretty fit and active 94 year old apart from the dementia. I’m not sure how much you’d have to pay obtain all these services or the oversight needed, or even who would do it if not family. In our experience sadly despite repeated requests for a care needs assessment she’s been on the waiting list for four years. Maybe in the absence of dementia or any serious physical disabilities it might not be too bad.

I continued to work until I was 67 as I loved my job. I’m now a FT carer for my Dad who is 93 and has Alzheimer’s Disease. I can’t bear the thought of him being in a care home although he did stay in one for 2 weeks so my husband and I could take a holiday.

This- OP you sound so selfish, hope your siblings are nicer human beings.

A note for those who have mentioned that people should have a plan for when they are older. Having a plan solves one problem; what you often need is someone to advocate for you(trust me, I've seen the difference).
Taking an interest in care needs and advocating for appropriate health and social care support can make all the difference, and there will be no need for personal care support from family members unless they wish to.

Are you a nihilist?

You're quite right to refuse to offer care.
Once you start on the slippery slope of doing things for them, it'll end by breaking you.
Caring is relentless.
Start as you mean to go on. Do nothing, tell them you're doing nothing, and stick to your guns.

They can pay for their care if they need it.

You are the definition of selfish. Life isn’t just about what you want. It’s not just about you. Relationships are two way, they raised you and care for you, surely you see that you need to help?

Bloody hell, how heartless are you! What’s happened to humanity?!

Do you believe that the OP should refuse to advocate for her elderly relatives? As pp have said, having someone who is prepared to advocate for an elderly person can make such a difference.

Read through your posts and there’s an emptiness. A vacancy. It’s quite sad - not for you, you’re fine and that’s ok. You’re just missing an essential part of being human. Empathy, maybe, or love. I’m glad you don’t feel like you need to mask that and that you’re deriving amusement from shocking normies on this thread - it’s making me chuckle.

The sad thing is you’ll never understand what it is you’re missing because it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had it - the sadness is on our side because we do know what you’re missing and it’s the thing that makes life worth living. And the thought of living without it is unbearable - life would be shallow and meaningless. What gets us up in the morning, what makes any of the sacrifice so worthwhile - it goes straight over your head. You don’t get to experience those moments…and you never will.

OP didn’t make the choice to be born, relationships of choice are two way

@Dominoeffecter

omg. How petulant. “But I didn’t ask to be born, wah wah wah! (And therefore no one can expect anything of me ever)”. Pathetic. Tough shit. You’re born. Try and be a decent person.

I'm not heartless, I'm being realistic.

There are countless women (it's nearly always women) in their 70s who care for 90 year old parents.

This isn't a good thing. It's awful for the younger elderly people, who are literally killing themselves. It can be years before the older elderly people die.

It's much more sensible for the older people to know in advance that they'll need to arrange their own care.

soooo selfish. I could never. My parents cared for me, loved me, made sacrifces for me, the lot. I can’t relate to this libertarian style individualistic mentality at all.

Agree

My mother was horrible to me as a child so that’s a no from me.
I am helping my children and grandchildren which she barely did.

I don't expect my children to care for me. I would hate that. Why would I want them to put their lives on hold? My parents never cared for their parents and neither did my in laws. Your relationships and your life should not be put on hold. You can arrange care and set up services to assist but 24/7 care is too much to expect when you have other responsibilities and need to work.

Exactly.

P.s I bet when you’re on your holidays you’re glad to be born
@Fragmentedbrain