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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did my manager avoid me?

174 replies

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 15:57

I wonder whether my manager at work deliberately avoided me and I’d be a little offended if so.

Long story short, my manager is twenty years older and in the past few years I’ve been with the company, he’s been pulled up by his wife (who occasionally comes in) for being too friendly with me. On a handful of occasions, she glared at him really obviously (in front of me) for chatting and laughing with me, offering extra help (not extended to others), and for making comments (though not overly creepy) on my clothes and size of my figure. She obviously doesn’t like him talking to me for whatever reason (though it’s silly imo, I’m a 28 year old woman).

Anyway, usually manager guy (who works from another office usually, so I only see him once a month or so), will come into our office in person if we’ve had some issue (he just has always done so, of course if he could call Teams meetings but he doesn’t). If he doesn’t come in, he has to pay another senior colleague extra hours for coming to see us…. Which he hates as he’s tight!!

Last week I had an important (but not urgent) issue on a project. Manager guy gets in touch and sends over a senior colleague to assist the next day, telling me that he’s “a bit out of his depth with this one” (clearly untrue - he’s dealt with the same issue before). He then turned up to the office a few days later, with his wife (who was next door), and I said, “so did Y tell you about project xyz?”, and he said, “yes… I’m not looking forward to him billing me though!”

Think he deliberately avoided working with me?

OP posts:
Gogoea · 28/06/2025 16:06

Yes realistically - could’ve been OP

VirginaGirl · 28/06/2025 16:11

Are you really okay with him commenting on your figure? That seems quite personal and his wife probably isn’t keen on him doing that as it’s inappropriate.

Why does it really matter if he is avoiding you?

Are you attracted to him?

Brefugee · 28/06/2025 16:11

you shouldn't put up with anyone at work talking about your figure.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 28/06/2025 16:12

Probably, yes. Although I’d welcome him avoiding me TBH, he sounds like a sleaze

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:28

VirginaGirl · 28/06/2025 16:11

Are you really okay with him commenting on your figure? That seems quite personal and his wife probably isn’t keen on him doing that as it’s inappropriate.

Why does it really matter if he is avoiding you?

Are you attracted to him?

Well not really but I just didn’t think much of it and shrugged it off. He didn’t say anything lewd.

Not attracted to him but felt a bit offended as I’ve done nothing wrong and I wonder what his wife/him might be saying about me

OP posts:
suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:32

Brefugee · 28/06/2025 16:11

you shouldn't put up with anyone at work talking about your figure.

Well he’s the boss and HR is an external company who are really acting to help him not the employees.

To be honest his comments weren’t overtly sexual - just comments on my slimness and how my skirts are tight

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 28/06/2025 17:41

"To be honest his comments weren’t overtly sexual - just comments on my slimness and how my skirts are tight."

Is this satire?

Brefugee · 28/06/2025 17:48

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:32

Well he’s the boss and HR is an external company who are really acting to help him not the employees.

To be honest his comments weren’t overtly sexual - just comments on my slimness and how my skirts are tight

oh grow up. You do yourself and no other woman who has to work anywhere ever with this faux "oh i can't help being so gorgeous" schtick.

He is wise to listen to his wife.

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:49

AcquadiP · 28/06/2025 17:41

"To be honest his comments weren’t overtly sexual - just comments on my slimness and how my skirts are tight."

Is this satire?

No it’s not satire - those comments are not directly sexual…. Just saying that someone has a tiny waist or that their skirt fits tight isn’t like saying ‘nice arse’ or ‘banging tits’…

OP posts:
suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:53

Brefugee · 28/06/2025 17:48

oh grow up. You do yourself and no other woman who has to work anywhere ever with this faux "oh i can't help being so gorgeous" schtick.

He is wise to listen to his wife.

I never implied that I was ‘gorgeous’. Women who all look very different get comments from men. What’s your problem?

OP posts:
Mangledrake · 28/06/2025 17:55

Probably. No harm him avoiding you. Sometimes people have a little work crush and know it's not appropriate. A little distance does wonders, and it passes fast.

You've no right to his personal input if other people can support you. I'd be sure to keep things professional and minimize unnecessary contact. You don't need his attention. Sometimes bosses seem attractive because they are high in the pecking order at work, but there's a world outside work. Plenty of fish in the sea - don't start fixating on him.

Cyanometer · 28/06/2025 17:59

Saying that someone has a tiny waist or that their 'skirt fits right' is completely inappropriate in the workplace.

Maybe he is avoiding you, who knows.

AcquadiP · 28/06/2025 18:06

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 17:49

No it’s not satire - those comments are not directly sexual…. Just saying that someone has a tiny waist or that their skirt fits tight isn’t like saying ‘nice arse’ or ‘banging tits’…

He's hardly likely to say 'nice arse' or 'banging tits' in the workplace though is he because that would put him at risk of a sexual harassment claim and dismissal. But what he is doing is a more subtle version of that by telling you he's noticed your nice figure and how good it looks in tight clothing. He's being sexual and testing the water for your reaction. And given how quickly his wife has reacted - and how quickly he's backed off - my guess is he has previous form for being a lecherous creep.

LavenderBlue19 · 28/06/2025 18:09

I very much doubt you're the first, and you won't be the last OP. His wife knows his type and knows what's going to happen. Perhaps she's issued an ultimatum this time, and that's why he's avoiding you.

That's if this is real, of course. The faux-naivety would be unusual in a 28 year old.

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 18:09

Mangledrake · 28/06/2025 17:55

Probably. No harm him avoiding you. Sometimes people have a little work crush and know it's not appropriate. A little distance does wonders, and it passes fast.

You've no right to his personal input if other people can support you. I'd be sure to keep things professional and minimize unnecessary contact. You don't need his attention. Sometimes bosses seem attractive because they are high in the pecking order at work, but there's a world outside work. Plenty of fish in the sea - don't start fixating on him.

I’m not fixated on him, and I never ask for his personal input. For all employees, he’s always chosen to come in and do work himself because he’s tight and doesn’t like paying others to do it. So I felt a bit singled out by the fact that someone external came in, although ultimately it doesn’t matter.

OP posts:
Cynicalaboutall · 28/06/2025 18:11

Ooh, yes.. great idea!
Lets blame this sleaze ball’s wife!!

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 18:13

LavenderBlue19 · 28/06/2025 18:09

I very much doubt you're the first, and you won't be the last OP. His wife knows his type and knows what's going to happen. Perhaps she's issued an ultimatum this time, and that's why he's avoiding you.

That's if this is real, of course. The faux-naivety would be unusual in a 28 year old.

This is real and I’m not playing faux niave here. I don’t know him well enough to know what he’s like, and I barely know his wife (beyond seeing her glaring at him/giving him unimpressed looks). Some men have egos and like talking to women, but don’t intend on trying to take it further. Some women can be possessive and hate their DH having any kind of conversation with another female. I don’t know what their history is.

OP posts:
suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 18:17

Cynicalaboutall · 28/06/2025 18:11

Ooh, yes.. great idea!
Lets blame this sleaze ball’s wife!!

I haven’t blamed his wife for anything??

OP posts:
Mangledrake · 28/06/2025 18:17

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 18:09

I’m not fixated on him, and I never ask for his personal input. For all employees, he’s always chosen to come in and do work himself because he’s tight and doesn’t like paying others to do it. So I felt a bit singled out by the fact that someone external came in, although ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Sure - I just mean that if you've diagnosed the issue correctly, of course you'll understand why he is not working with you individually while ensuring you get the support you need. Sounds sensible, and if you are feeling singled out, well yes, you have been in a sense, but I don't see that it's something you should worry about. I don't think you have cause for offence from the incident you described, no.

A lot of people would object to the personal comments but that's up to you. Apart from them, sounds like a situation that will blow over in the normal course of things.

SmallHairyBogCreature · 28/06/2025 18:32

OP, the very fact you are offended by this makes me suspect you have some feelings for this man, or alternatively that you get validation from the fact that this man is attracted to you.

If it helps, it does very much sound like he finds you attractive, and that he has chosen to put distance between you. His wife may or may not have influenced this decision. It’s a sensible one if he has feelings for you. Don’t be offended.

Dodeedoo · 28/06/2025 18:36

Do you want us to tell you that he fancies you?

PeapodMcgee · 28/06/2025 18:38

I'd say his wife is likely to know him best, and he's being inappropriate with you. You haven't done anything wrong (but you will get hate on here from people projecting).

Namechangetheyarewatching · 28/06/2025 18:45

How old is he?

You know he fancys you and you know his wife has told him to back off

suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 19:55

PeapodMcgee · 28/06/2025 18:38

I'd say his wife is likely to know him best, and he's being inappropriate with you. You haven't done anything wrong (but you will get hate on here from people projecting).

I have gotten a few snarky comments. It seems to happen a lot on Mumsnet. They just attack an OP they don't know.... Obvious projecting but annoying.

OP posts:
suerte1998 · 28/06/2025 19:57

Namechangetheyarewatching · 28/06/2025 18:45

How old is he?

You know he fancys you and you know his wife has told him to back off

He must be late 40s/early 50s. I don't like assuming that men fancy me, and I genuinely wasn't sure whether it's just his vary out there personality (some people will just be overly familiar and chatty with anyone), although it isn't much of a badge of honour a 50 something balding boss, with cheap dyed hair, fancying you as a 28 yo woman anyway!

OP posts:
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