Did my manager avoid me?

[suerte1998]

I wonder whether my manager at work deliberately avoided me and I’d be a little offended if so.

Long story short, my manager is twenty years older and in the past few years I’ve been with the company, he’s been pulled up by his wife (who occasionally comes in) for being too friendly with me. On a handful of occasions, she glared at him really obviously (in front of me) for chatting and laughing with me, offering extra help (not extended to others), and for making comments (though not overly creepy) on my clothes and size of my figure. She obviously doesn’t like him talking to me for whatever reason (though it’s silly imo, I’m a 28 year old woman).

Anyway, usually manager guy (who works from another office usually, so I only see him once a month or so), will come into our office in person if we’ve had some issue (he just has always done so, of course if he could call Teams meetings but he doesn’t). If he doesn’t come in, he has to pay another senior colleague extra hours for coming to see us…. Which he hates as he’s tight!!

Last week I had an important (but not urgent) issue on a project. Manager guy gets in touch and sends over a senior colleague to assist the next day, telling me that he’s “a bit out of his depth with this one” (clearly untrue - he’s dealt with the same issue before). He then turned up to the office a few days later, with his wife (who was next door), and I said, “so did Y tell you about project xyz?”, and he said, “yes… I’m not looking forward to him billing me though!”

Think he deliberately avoided working with me?

No one has said that you're clothing must be provocative. No one is having a go at you or being snarky because they don't know you. The bare bones of this is that you're saying that he's stopped giving inappropriate attention to your figure because his wife is jealous. You sound like you're complaining about him not flirting with you anymore. And you sound like you're bragging about how hot you are.

Throwing the word misogyny at women over this is ridiculous. No one is saying that his inappropriate behaviour is her fault and therefore not his. He's been out of order at work, no one has said otherwise or blamed her. The disparaging comments are just regarding her faux naivety and blatant wife-blaming on here.

With respect, you sound like you haven’t read my OP or any of my replies on here… I am not disappointed that he stopped flirting and I have never said I am hot. Every woman on the planet gets attention form men at some point…. Would we all be bragging if we mentioned any instance of it happening?

The post is about me being treated differently (external staff coming in) and colleagues noticing.

Have you read the same replies to this thread that I have?

Women on here have being saying it’s my fault. Here are some of their comments
“office tart”
”you’re the problem”
”don’t wear tight skirts to work”
”you didn’t shut it down did you?”
”women like you are awful”
”you love the attention” (I don’t, but kind of irrelevant anyway - I never invited the attention, irrelevant how I internally feel about it).

@swimsong Also I did not blame his wife. I described what she did which was glaring at him when he jokes around/chats to me. I suspected she may have been angry with him about his interaction with me. That doesn’t mean I ‘blame’ or have against her (I don’t).

Fww calling women ‘tarts’ (although I hate that word, I’m actually far from it) is misogynistic.

People just jumped to huge conclusions and projected onto me in this post.

Calling someone a ‘tart’ is misogyny!

Your manager sounds like a creep and I suspect he has form for this. His wife probably suspect he finds you attractive and has had words, I think its likely he was trying to avoid you. The comments about you having a tiny waist and tight fitting clothes are inappropriate , you seem to think what he has said is fine as he hasn't directly said "great arse" or something similar. I would keep my distance and just focus on being professional.

Thank you… I also don’t think Swimsong has read some of women’s replies on this thread…. Where they clearly do blame me…Some highlights: tart, bimbo, you’re the problem, woman-child throwing herself at her husband…🙄

Likely yes. Funnily enough, he turned up to the office last week, without his wife, knocks on my door and starts being friendly and chatty and normal. I could've ignored his knock on the door and pretended to be on a call, but it's difficult to pretend in a work context. Then I see him again with his wife outside the building the following week, and he's brief/curt. He's a sly one for sure.

@Dodeedoo I should’ve added that a few days after the ‘avoiding’ scenario, when he’d popped into the office for a standard meeting, I was leaving the building for my break, and he’s outside in his car, doing this nauseating Cheshire Cat grin and waving really big at me…. 🙄🤮 I did wave back as what else could I do but it’s just confusing!

He is grim ughhhh xx

You could have not waved back or looked at him. Still think you want him to fancy you, sorry OP.

I actually find it cringey at this stage.

I didn’t look over at him - I was walking out of the door and he was facing me out of the car window. He obviously saw me and starting waving. I don’t want him to fancy me.

I’m late to this thread but how do you know that his wife has pulled him up on anything? Let alone what she’s pulled him up for. She could be unimpressed with him for a whole host of reasons.

And also, why are you so arsed about it? I don’t think I’d even notice this!

Because she openly glares at him when he’s talking to me (or she did), and his skirt comments were - as everyone on this thread says - creepy (although he made those when it was just me in the office).

Which bit would you not notice?

Indeed

So you’ve just invented that she’s pulled him up on it, in your own mind? She wasn’t there when he made those comments, so how would she even know to pull him up on it?

Honestly, I wouldn’t notice whether my manager showed up on every single other occasion but this one. I wouldn’t notice what face his wife pulls when he speaks to me, and I wouldn’t go home thinking about it, let alone posting it on here.

So you’re another one who thinks I “invited” his attention and it’s all my fault? 🙄

Fair enough, maybe your work place is different to mine. If someone does something out of character (in our office at least) everyone notices.

And his wife’s faces are really obvious - you can’t not notice them. It’s a bit odd really. Would you not notice if someone was glaring really hard? She doesn’t know about his clothing comments, but she has seen him acting stupid and chatting in front of me. I added two and two towgethr…. Maybe I did overthink though!!

I am not seeking attention and I am not the one crossing any boundaries!

@Dodeedoo So nearly a month on, I handed my notice in and I’m leaving in October. 😄

To be helpful, I emailed the manager with the contact details of a particular client (who he hasn’t had contact with all year) for when I leave, as this might (will) be useful. No reply of thanks though!! I hope he is going to send my reference to my new company in good time.

Super late reply to this, but his wife doesn't know he commented on my figure as she wasn't there.

His wife just saw him staring at me and glared at him, but he didn't pay attention (or didn't notice) and carried on...

It mattered because colleagues noticed it and and commented on it.