Did my manager avoid me?

[suerte1998]

I wonder whether my manager at work deliberately avoided me and I’d be a little offended if so.

Long story short, my manager is twenty years older and in the past few years I’ve been with the company, he’s been pulled up by his wife (who occasionally comes in) for being too friendly with me. On a handful of occasions, she glared at him really obviously (in front of me) for chatting and laughing with me, offering extra help (not extended to others), and for making comments (though not overly creepy) on my clothes and size of my figure. She obviously doesn’t like him talking to me for whatever reason (though it’s silly imo, I’m a 28 year old woman).

Anyway, usually manager guy (who works from another office usually, so I only see him once a month or so), will come into our office in person if we’ve had some issue (he just has always done so, of course if he could call Teams meetings but he doesn’t). If he doesn’t come in, he has to pay another senior colleague extra hours for coming to see us…. Which he hates as he’s tight!!

Last week I had an important (but not urgent) issue on a project. Manager guy gets in touch and sends over a senior colleague to assist the next day, telling me that he’s “a bit out of his depth with this one” (clearly untrue - he’s dealt with the same issue before). He then turned up to the office a few days later, with his wife (who was next door), and I said, “so did Y tell you about project xyz?”, and he said, “yes… I’m not looking forward to him billing me though!”

Think he deliberately avoided working with me?

@suerte1998 You're annoyed about the wrong thing. Try looking for a new job working for somebody who doesn't sexually harass you.

The only thing his wife is to blame for is still being his wife.

They don’t mean that literally, they mean concentrate on the work and not the nuances of your ‘relationship’ with your boss.

I am sorry the comments are harsh but I’m not entirely sure you’re being honest with yourself about this. It won’t leave you feeling good about yourself.

His wife is right to pull him up on treating you more favourably than other staff- extending to you what he doesn’t to others. Commenting on your tiny waist and how tight your skirt is, is sexual even if it isn’t as blatant as saying you have banging tits.

He might not be actually avoiding you, just delegating appropriately. Perhaps he has taken guidance from his wife and is now being professional.

Or there is now someone with a smaller waist and tighter clothes who is diverting his attention from you.

Of course - I've never 'blamed' his wife for any of this.

“Singled out” I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now they might actually get stuck.
Singled out is not getting the pay rise everyone else gets. It’s not being invited to a team lunch that everyone else goes to. It’s him not paying for a specialist to come and bail you out when you got stuck so the project goes to sh*t and then blaming you and performance managing you out of the business.
If you feel so victimised by it and don’t believe a conversation with him or HR will help then maybe you should get a new job.
OR you can keep your head down and stop causing drama.

Isn’t it awful that men and women cant genuinely compliment the opposite sex without it being a problem!!

I always do concentrate.....I would never have been thinking about this if the boss hadn't been overly familiar and then suddenly chose to (apparently) avoid me. People on here are making all kinds of assumptions, that I've 'thrown' myself at him (nothing of the sort - I don't even continue all of his banter, and I was embarrassed and unsure of what to say at times).

I also feel (not sure if correctly) that he might now be bitching about me/turning this around on me to his wife, when I didn't welcome any of his silliness.

I would guess that you may or may not be the first young, attractive women he’s hired, but his wife has seen you and how he is with you and has had a go at him because he has form one way or another. It may be she’s just paranoid, but given what he’s said to you, that seems unlikely.

Regardless, the problem here is that he likely doesn’t want to interact with you much because his relationship with his wife is important to him and he can’t actually stop being a sleaze. Which means, from how you describe the set up, that your career trajectory at work will likely be affected.

It’s shit, OP. You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s just a sleaze, even if he does it under a veneer of civility.

You might be able to get him to help you move on to a better position elsewhere (he can please his wife by getting rid of you and possibly stroke his own ego thinking you’ll be grateful for his support). But either way you should probably be planning your exit strategy thinking of this position as a spring board rather than a place to really grow your career long term.

Not getting time with the boss (which is mentorship and relationship building) is being singled out.

Of course they can. ‘Had your hair cut, Sarah? Looks nice.’ / ‘You’re looking well, Darren. Blue suits you’.

A BOSS commenting on the tightness of someone skirt and their figure? Yeah, so awful anyone would think twice about that 🙄

@RawBloomers Thank you. Not agreeing that I see myself as 'attractive' (though I believe all young people are beautiful tbh!).

As regards an exit, this isn't a forever job; it's been an internship/training type of thing. I don't want to be sacked or laid off (that will be bad for my CV), I want to leave of my own volition because I've found something I want. Maybe the boss will give himself an 'ego stroke' in thinking that how important his reference is to me.

It is rubbish but does sound as though you should be keeping an eye out for another job. It doesn’t mean it’s right, but sometimes it’s best just to remove yourself from a situation

It's being singled out when you're treated differently to every other employee, for no apparent good reason. My colleagues noticed and joked with the external guy about how much he was going to charge per hour!

Stop calling him manager guy. You aren’t on friends!

It's just because obviously I don't want to use his real name, obviously, on here. I never watched friends!

Hang on a minute, I think some people have been a bit unkind to OP. If he was the one who started off being all friendly and chatty (OP, sorry if you said this at the very beginning and I missed it), and then he suddenly withdrew and avoided OP, then yes, I’d be pissed off too, because as somebody mentioned above, it would be depriving me of a good training/mentoring opportunity (given his seniority).

OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong by being chatty. If a senior member of staff is being friendly, you don’t typically keep your responses cold and distant (unless you are aware they have a reputation).

I’m in my early forties and I’ll be honest, upon first reading this, it was very easy to imagine a flirty young woman very aware of her own allure, a middle-aged man with a big ego, and a long-suffering wife who’s fed up to the back teeth with his shit.

However, if I imagine myself back in my twenty-eight year old past self, then yes, I can see why suddenly being avoided like this is offensive. I’d feel like his actions proved he never valued me as a talented staff member with potential, but only as an ego-boost, since I’m discarded the moment I’m deemed too risky/distracting.

So yes, that would annoy and demotivate me - even if at the same time, it’s not exactly a bad feeling knowing that you’re young, slim and attractive ;)

I do get why you’re annoyed by the change and possible risk people think it’s you doing something, but your work really isn’t being impacted so you just need to get over it and continue doing a good job.

You say the wife was glaring at him and he’s avoiding you. It’s obviously a him/them problem that isn’t actively being brought to your door as a problem to deal with. You’ve also said you barely see him - perhaps if you did see him, you’d know he flirts with any “under 30 year old slim woman with dark hair” (for example) and he’s notorious for it. I feel more sorry for his wife.

I’m not sure why you’re looking for sympathy when you’re being impacted very minimally by this? If my top of the pile boss at work avoided working closely with me as he was clearly giving me “polished” but inappropriate comments then I’d be ecstatic I didn’t have to deal with him and have anyone claim any achievements have anything to do with him having an infatuation with me! (While not overtly sexual, saying how “tiny” your waist is and how “tight” your skirt is ARE inappropriate….. there is NO question!!!)

This is probably the best outcome for you if you’ve been eyed up by the head honcho - him following you round and giving special treatment would be worse!

The question you need to ask yourself about any workplace interaction is ‘Is this negatively impacting my work or wellbeing?’ Not silly speculations about your manager’s possible motivations for delegating.

And I would see his comments on your appearance as verging on workplace harassment, and certainly deeply inappropriate from a manager to an intern.

What time exactly did she want with the boss then, because by her own account he couldn’t help her and actually paid for a freelancer/contractor to help her. The only time she didn’t get from him above and beyond the usual time was him flirting and making comments about her tight skirts. Let’s keep this real please.

No, he could help (he's dealt with the same/very similar issues before), he just sent someone else in. I don't need him to make clothing comments to me.

Maybe he was busy…? Why are you throwing your toys out of the pram over him not helping you ONE TIME but also sending other support so not leaving you in it.

I'm not "throwing toys" out of the pram??

Lol

I know right...