To despise picky eaters?

[Brownoliveskincurlyblackhair]

If you have an allergy or religious reasons not to eat something, fine obviously but grown adults who 'don't eat' something absolutely irk me beyond words. My MIL looked horrified earlier when I said I was making chicken as a part of a weekend spread because SIL 'doesn't eat it'. I have accommodated for SIL but honestly, I was bought up that you get what you're given and eat what's infront of you. It's terrible manners is it not?

Yabu - hosts should cater for preferences
Yanbu - it's rude

Im a very picky eater.

I appreciate what you are saying.

Nonetheless, if you think about how you express love/affection for someone, and then how they might feel if it was ceremoniously unwanted? Perhaps you say to friends “I love your outfit” and you might be a bit hurt if they said “Oh this old thing, I’m going to change into something less ugly”. Or maybe you brought flowers from your garden, and they said “Oh gosh, I don’t like having to look at that colour in my house. I’ve got WXYZ Disorder.”

So even if they genuinely do have a disorder- it still stings a bit. Not being perfect, and all that.

Fair enough but I do think it could have been worded better.
People always ask that question on threads like this and often come across as quite rude so I also think that had impacted my response!

Look at it from a different perspective.
Let’s say you had a real phobia of spiders and every time you went to your friends house they made you hold their pet spider. Even though you’ve told them time and time again that you have a phobia of spiders, they tell you that their spider is different. It’s nicer than other spiders, you just need to try to get to know this spider.

Because that’s what ARFID is, it’s a phobia of food. It’s not a reflection on the quality of the food. It’s an actual phobia of putting unfamiliar, unsafe food in your mouth. I’ve been to events where the food is cooked by master chef champions etc and still not been able to eat.

My DD has severe emetophobia and is genuinely frightened by food. She’s told me on many occasions she’d rather be fed by a tube into her stomach than have to eat. Going out for meals is her idea of a nightmare unless it’s ’safe food’.

Luckily our friends and family are a little more accommodating than you.

Just deciding that you hate all fussy eaters is incredibly judgmental.

If you hate bad manners why do you want to feed people food they don’t like?

Because SIL has eaten the chicken dish 40+ times already and now suddenly doesn’t like it and OP has already bought it.

Plus there is a spread so SIL and MIL should just shut up about it and eat something else.

Maybe SIL has been politely eating the chicken for years.

Then she can keep on politely eating it. Or request something for the next meal she’s invited to. It’s not fair for MIL to spring this in OP when all the food has been bought.

I do think there is a spectrum of pickiness, I hope someone with ARFID might just say “I have a food phobia and prefer to eat at home” or “I have a food phobia, it will be best if I bring my own food” or similar. (I.e. don’t come only with the problem, come with the solution too)

If it is closer to “I don’t like any foods this week except Medium rare Wagyu fillet with truffle fries” then maybe there will be a problem.
The polite thing is to speak up with the invitation (vegan, allergies, strong preferences).

If someone is positioning themselves as totally normal and has a long and detailed list of preferences- in effect treating their friends as staff, then people are going to notice, particularly if the long and detailed list of preferences is replicated in other areas of the relationship.

When someone offers you food for free you should only answer with a "yes, please" or "No, thank you".

Except someone with ARFID is unlikely to announce it in that way. Most of us are deeply embarrassed and find it socially awkward (usually because of how people have treated us in the past) so we try to hide it. I’m like to just ask you not to worry about me or say I’m not hungry.
The fact you view us as a problem suggests you’re not particularly sympathetic.

Thinking of it as a problem doesn't mean someone's not sympathetic! It obviously IS a problem for some people - both the sufferers and those catering for them - so I feel sympathetic for both parties.

I think its one thing to have a small number of specific items you strongly dislike

Its when you get an adult who lists reams and reams of common foodstuffs they don't eat, and its so many that its hard to cater for. I once asked a friend to dinner and asked her to tell me if there was anything she really hated. She listed chicken, pork, fish, tomatoes, cheese, green veg, butter/milk, mushrooms, aubergines and some other stuff i forget. It was a nightmare.

Those catering perhaps need to not take it so personally. It’s not a reflection on your cooking skills!

And this time she can leave it, can't she?There's a spread so SIL has choices.

However, it seems MIL would rather make a big thing of it....

I'm talking about people with childish whims who impose them on everyone. There are no reasons why someone healthy would not eat any vegetable or any fruit apart from deciding they would not eat any. Which is fine, but its not my problem and dont expect me to be sympathetic.

Maybe they just don't like them? If someone made me a meal that contained tomatoes I'd either leave it all or pick them out and leave them on the side of the plate, along with they'd touched. I'm sure some people would find that rude as well but I really wouldn't care.

Does not eating chicken make you a picky eater? I’ve never considered myself to be one I eat a wide range of flavours etc but I am pescatarian only because I don’t like chicken/pork/beef, I don’t like the texture of meat.

I will eat pretty much any fish or veggie dish put in front of me though.

I do find things like adults claiming to hate (all) fruit and/or vegetable very weird though because it’s not all the same so how can you hate all of it? It just seems a bit childlike to me but each to their own.

*edited for spelling and bloody auto correct.

Just Looking at the ARFID situation. Leaving someone in the dark about a really important piece of information can lead to very hurt feelings.

An invitation is about spending time together in a way that is mutually enjoyable for everyone. If proposed invitation is something that is not pleasurable then, the standard and accepted thing to do is decline and counter-offer. Preparing food takes effort and money, it is a really standard way of showing respect and affection to people.
If you mention the word ARFID to me at the invitation stage I am going to say, “what can I do, to make sure you have a great time” If you say nothing, and say “I’ve already eaten” or look at the food (prepared for you with love and effort and money) like it is vomit, then, because I am human, that will be completely internalised, and I will feel your actions represent how you feel about me, unworthy of even the most basic respect or decency. Vomit in human form, I will say nothing but would be tearful and hurt when you left.

And all over a miscommunication. People are generally very very sympathetic, but I dont find your approach of saying nothing, and then being baffled at their upset sympathetic.

What would you propose as a solution to this?

I can't eat pork or any shellfish - it's not a dislike but more I couldn't get them down my throat without gagging. I've got to mid-70s without having either forced on me (and I'm still asked out). It's odd that MIL has only just revealed DIL doesn't like/eat (sorry, can't remember the actual word used) chicken so I think there's more to it tbh.

I'm a bit of a picky eater. I was a picky eater as a child and attempts to force me to get over it really backfired. It's tied up with my safety and autonomy. I have rules around foods so I can eat them happily. I can now choke down some things I don't actually like if I have to - e.g. surprise lamb and salmon on wedding menus recently but this is a big development. Some of my aversion are very strong. No one needs to see me wretch back up foods I dislike and can't stomach. People who are insensitive to it or pushy, I don't forget. I think drawing attention to this issue or bullying others for it is awful behaviour.

Similarly the compulsion to finish a plate can cause issues - I have these. I always find those who smugly boast that they can and will eat anything remind me only of pigs and troughs.

I will feel your actions represent how you feel about me, unworthy of even the most basic respect or decency. Vomit in human form, I will say nothing but would be tearful and hurt when you left.

🤔

So I should eat food that to me tastes disgusting and makes me feel bilious because these starving children in Africa? How does me eating disgusting tasting food in anyway help or affect them?

OK, how is this not insanely rude and insulting?