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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

483 replies

David850 · 27/06/2025 16:54

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
LovingLimePeer · 27/06/2025 22:19

David850 · 27/06/2025 21:51

Sorry for taking ages to reply, I've had a rough few hours. Ex did indeed send her partner around, he was far from happy when I refused to hand my kids over to him. I've tried to speak to my ex but she's obviously worked up at the moment and is now demanding the kids are returned first thing in the morning.

I do have a partner who I've been with for two years, she does not have kids and does not want kids, she has a sweet relationship with my two but they have any met outside of the house and I waited a year before introducing them.

My son loved his room, I paid an artist to paint spiderman on his wall, and his name in a spiderman design, honestly it was a really cool room and he absolutely loved it. He's not into gaming and one of my worries is of this boy is potentially sitting up all night gaming when my son is trying to sleep, he's a very young 7 and my daughter has told me the room looks like a teenagers room, they even took his spiderman bedding away.

My daughter is saying she's uncomfortable sleeping next to this girl who she really doesn't know very well and also having this girls dad come in to their room at night to kiss his daughter goodnight, she's not got enough room for all her stuff now as half the room is this other girls, my daughter is growing and going through things and shouldn't have to have a stranger man in her room or share with someone she is not related.

For those asking if I am in a position to have the kids full time, yes I am. I understand I can't decide how my ex lives but I think the best outcome of this would be for her to remove these strangers from her house, I 100% understand because I'd love my partner to move in with me but these things take time when you have children and personally I don't believe it's right for children to be sharing rooms with non relatives.

You sound like such a lovely, caring dad and your kids are lucky to have you fighting their corner.

Feeling displaced as a child is so deeply unsettling and can have profound future implications for relationships and mental health. They're lucky to have you providing a sense of stability and belonging for them.

SpryCat · 27/06/2025 22:21

Your ex is upset that you are sticking up for your children, she thought she could do exactly as she pleases. She sent her bf round to intimidate you, she thought you’d hand them over, too scared to argue with him.

My god, she is a paedos dream parent, only known new man 11 months, allows him to not only move in, she allows his children to take over her DC’s bedrooms. If he did start being inappropriate towards your DC, she sounds like she would not only deny it, she would gaslight them into believing they were insane!

FoxAches · 27/06/2025 22:21

Just to say we're all rooting for you, David. Best of luck.

Lrichy13 · 27/06/2025 22:22

You need to exercise your PR and keep her with you.

tripleginandtonic · 27/06/2025 22:25

I think the children need to mainly be with you. I can't believe any parent could be so callous as your ex.

Azureal · 27/06/2025 22:27

You can take it back to court but from experience they are probably not old enough for the courts to change the arrangement.

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:28

You wound a wonderful and loving Dad!! Really hope you get full custody.

The cruelty of taking his bedding away is shocking. Totally get the light thing!! My son has a transformer bedroom and the idea of someone coming in and removing all the parts that make it special is heartbreaking.

Reading about your daughter feeling unsafe in her own room made my blood run cold.

Keep fighting for them!! The fact your ex sent this man around is insane! Document everything. Why did the lazy witch not come herself, because she’s probably trying to intimidate you. It sounds like your poor kids are being intimidated too.

This man is a cuckoo but with any luck your kids will be allowed to live with you full time. Awful woman your ex is!

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:30

SpryCat · 27/06/2025 22:21

Your ex is upset that you are sticking up for your children, she thought she could do exactly as she pleases. She sent her bf round to intimidate you, she thought you’d hand them over, too scared to argue with him.

My god, she is a paedos dream parent, only known new man 11 months, allows him to not only move in, she allows his children to take over her DC’s bedrooms. If he did start being inappropriate towards your DC, she sounds like she would not only deny it, she would gaslight them into believing they were insane!

Edited

She is already totally ok with him coming in to the girls room at night. A strange man her daughter doesn’t know! She also sent him to collect her children alone. A lot of childhood abuse survivors were abused in cars. She’s a complete moron who has shown she doesn’t consider her kids safety. Wouldn’t be surprised to find out she leaves her kids home alone with him too.

LetsHopeSo · 27/06/2025 22:33

Is there anyway you can get the Spiderman light and stuff from the house if you paid for it. They have absolutely no right to take away your son's personal belongings. Are you able to talk to their moat all and ask for his stuff so you can bring it to yours?
Maybe they have sold it all.
Those poor children, I can't believe their mother would do that.
Some women seem to be so desperate for a man they prioritise them over their children, it's disgusting and frightening.

Original poster
David850 · 27/06/2025 22:34

Thank you for all the advice, it's great help. I've got a lot I need to look in to and people I need to speak to.

Daughter has made it clear she's not going back to her mums anytime soon and wants me to go and collect her cat tomorrow, she's got one of those god awful raw chicken looking cats, terrifying thing, I've never touched it before so god knows how that's going to go.

I don't want any of this, I love my kids so much and it hurts that I'm not with them 100% of the time but I honestly don't want full custody because I want them to have a relationship with their mum but I can't see my kids being happy with the current set up and I'm definitely not happy to send my kids back to a house with that man.

OP posts:
Ireolu · 27/06/2025 22:34

This thread had just made me a little tearful. Those poor children. What kind of parent is this oblivious? I completely understand why the kids are upset and I don't know them. Odd their mum doesn't see a problem. Legal advice & social services will likely be required OP. Good luck

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:35

LetsHopeSo · 27/06/2025 22:33

Is there anyway you can get the Spiderman light and stuff from the house if you paid for it. They have absolutely no right to take away your son's personal belongings. Are you able to talk to their moat all and ask for his stuff so you can bring it to yours?
Maybe they have sold it all.
Those poor children, I can't believe their mother would do that.
Some women seem to be so desperate for a man they prioritise them over their children, it's disgusting and frightening.

I think he put in a previous post they had trashed it and got rid of it all 😭😭

Plantladylover · 27/06/2025 22:36

Azureal · 27/06/2025 22:27

You can take it back to court but from experience they are probably not old enough for the courts to change the arrangement.

OP previously said there is no court order/arrangement in force. They share 50/50 agreed between themselevs

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:37

David850 · 27/06/2025 22:34

Thank you for all the advice, it's great help. I've got a lot I need to look in to and people I need to speak to.

Daughter has made it clear she's not going back to her mums anytime soon and wants me to go and collect her cat tomorrow, she's got one of those god awful raw chicken looking cats, terrifying thing, I've never touched it before so god knows how that's going to go.

I don't want any of this, I love my kids so much and it hurts that I'm not with them 100% of the time but I honestly don't want full custody because I want them to have a relationship with their mum but I can't see my kids being happy with the current set up and I'm definitely not happy to send my kids back to a house with that man.

They can still have a relationship with her even if you have full custody. But they will be so, so much safer!! More settled and happier.

Full custody doesn’t mean never seeing Mum. But she’s not making safe choices for them.

suburburban · 27/06/2025 22:37

It sounds like something that would happen in a Dickensian novel, your poor dc don’t deserve this

Original poster
David850 · 27/06/2025 22:38

LetsHopeSo · 27/06/2025 22:33

Is there anyway you can get the Spiderman light and stuff from the house if you paid for it. They have absolutely no right to take away your son's personal belongings. Are you able to talk to their moat all and ask for his stuff so you can bring it to yours?
Maybe they have sold it all.
Those poor children, I can't believe their mother would do that.
Some women seem to be so desperate for a man they prioritise them over their children, it's disgusting and frightening.

My daughter seems to thing it's all been taken away unfortunately, his room at my house has some spiderman bits but is nothing like the room he had at his mums, it was a special birthday gift for him and costs me a lot of money, just sad thinking of my sweet 7 year old sitting in a gaming themed teenage room

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 27/06/2025 22:38

Sorry this is happening to you and your children David850. I'm afraid it sounds like Court is the only way, but first you need to see a Family lawyer a.s.a.p.
Talk to your daughter and get her to list the reasons she doesn't want to go back.
If you can chat with your son too, asking him how he feels about the changes. Try not to become emotional, just objective.
I doubt Scottish law is very different to English in this respect and unless a Court orders it you do not have to hand the children over to your ex's new partner if they don't want to go.
You might want to contact what in England we call Children's Social Services just to lodge your concerns.
I hope you and your children come through this closer and stronger. 🥰

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:38

suburburban · 27/06/2025 22:37

It sounds like something that would happen in a Dickensian novel, your poor dc don’t deserve this

It honestly reminds me of the cases where the children are harmed by Mothers new boyfriend. It’s got red flags all over it!! Trashing the little boys bedroom and removing all the parts he loves, allowing boyfriend in to the girls room at night, letting the kids go alone in the car etc etc Mum is a massive dimwit with not a safeguarding bone in her body!

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/06/2025 22:40

Azureal · 27/06/2025 22:27

You can take it back to court but from experience they are probably not old enough for the courts to change the arrangement.

Yes they are . I know a 12 year old and 10 year old. 12 year old went to school one day and never returned to his mother .
He told the judge he never wanted to see her again .
the younger was brain washed and bribed he got to stay with the mother and dad eow .
Youngest now can’t wait untill he is a year older and can walk out and not go back .

Judge said she had never came across a case with the kids saying such different things but she granted them what they said they wanted.

@David850 op with your eldest being able to speak up and if your youngest agrees with the eldest the judge will listen.
They may both remain with you untill a report is carried out . They will be court appointed.
The judge will listen to the kids , yourself the mum and read the report and come to a conclusion .

Id get an emergency hearing called as soon as you can get a solicitor and the paperwork submitted To court . So your ex doesn’t take the kids and keep them. By you keeping the kids you are executing your parental rights . You believe your kids are in danger and unhappy and their needs are not being met.

TwistedWonder · 27/06/2025 22:43

I’m so sorry for your DC. You sound like a brilliant dad and it’s disgraceful that your ex is basically prioritising dick over her kids.

Both her and this bloke are so fucking selfish and irresponsible it’s heartbreaking.

I hope you can get full custody of your DC and they’ll be safe and happy with you. Maybe that’s what it will take to bring your ex to her senses.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/06/2025 22:44

Your poor kids. Never fails to astound me how many selfish mums I read about here who put their desire to live with a new partner above their own children’s well-being. No advice but at least they have you to retreat to.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/06/2025 22:44

JIMER202 · 27/06/2025 22:37

They can still have a relationship with her even if you have full custody. But they will be so, so much safer!! More settled and happier.

Full custody doesn’t mean never seeing Mum. But she’s not making safe choices for them.

Show quote history

Exactly it means you are the main carer the one chosen to make the decisions .
This is what is needed as your ex can’t be trusted to have the kids best interests at heart @David850

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/06/2025 22:44

Honestly it sounds like your children would be better off with you. Their mum really isn't considering what's best for them at all.

SaraDara · 27/06/2025 22:44

What a horrible situation. Have you any other family members who could help mediate, advocate for your kids or simply talk with your wife. Maybe a sibling of your ex’s or one of her parents. Is your daughter close to her maternal grandparents? ( if they are about)
you sound like you are really listening to your kids and that’s a good thing. Would your kids prefer to share with each other? They are odd ages to share but maybe they might prefer it.

SaraDara · 27/06/2025 22:47

Might it be a fairly temporary situation? Presumably the new boyfriend was living somewhere before? Maybe if he owned it he and your ex might be thunkin*bo buy8ng somewhere bigger?

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