EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

You sound like the kind of dad any child would be lucky to have. They will always know you have their back, and remember how you made them feel safe and secure.

I agree that it's best to try and keep things as civil as possible with the mum, as once these things spiral in can be very difficult to get back on track. She sounds bloody awful though. Would she ever consider some kind of family mediation if you can't reach agreement amicably? The most important thing is your kids' sense of security and knowing that they are at least YOUR no.1 priority, even if not hers. Sounds like you're doing everything to demonstrate that to them.

Oh about those raw chicken cats 😆If you're talking about Sphynx cats, they are absolutely sweet natured and loving (as a rule) and they feel like soft suede. They like a nice toasty blanket, sometimes a onesie, and a cosy spot by the fire or a radiator. I can imagine your daughter is probably really worried about what will become of her pet if she moves in with you, so hope it all works out.

They share 50/50 so the children are already home. Home with the parent who actually cares about them, where they feel safe and want to be.

@David850, you're doing the right thing- do NOT let them go back to hers. They stay with you until you can get an emergency C/O.

100% don’t send them back. I’d message saying you are seeing a solicitor and going to court asap to sort out access and they will stay with you until it’s sorted. Unless cocklodger and his kids move out first of course.

They will want contact with mum, you are not taking that away from them David, but right now, they need to have their voices heard and someone to put them first. They feel like their mum has turned into someone they don’t know anymore, have had strange children foisted into their bedrooms. A man they barely know, ruling the roost who has desecrated their bedrooms and they just want a home that they feel safe in. It’s been very traumatic for them, luckily they have you, please fight for custody as their mum is thinking with her fanny.

Them raw chicken looking cats are lovely to stroke, very therapeutic but need jumpers on.

The poor kids. This is absolutely ridiculous that a ‘mother’ would behave like this. And I say this a someone whose eldest child isn’t my husband’s.
Removing the bedding FFS was absolutely needless. I would absolutely be livid.
Blending families after 11 months is an absolute joke. When you meet someone new your kids have to remain your priority and not get pushed aside.
Keep standing up for your kids OP you’re doing the right thing.

Your daughter is old enough now to make that choice, you can go to the courts and open up a case called a section 7 they will get cafcass involved and they go on what is in the best interest for the children, I don’t know where your son would stand as he is only 7 but your daughter would be able to live with you if that’s what she wishes

I am very sorry that this is happening and that your children are so upset. Especially your little lad who has had his room and decorations painted over - that really is abysmal. A massive transition like that really should have happened more slowly. I imagine the other children are very upset about having to share/having their lives upended too.

Seems to me that the more appropriate thing to do would have been for your kids to move into a room together, and the other kids to share a room too. That way at the very least your children aren't sharing with strangers. It's not nice to go from having your own room to having to share with a sibling, but far better that than a stranger. And many children have to share a room with a sibling (or more than one). Sadly that's what happens when families break up.

Their mum and her new partner should have done a more thoughtful job of trying to maintain "separate space" even within the shared rooms. I feel so bad for the little lad that all his spiderman stuff was just painted over and he was given the cruddy bunk - she could have made more of an effort to make it into a special space for him (that's what I would have done - turned it into a superhero space for him, with bunk curtains and a separate space for him even though he's sharing a room. Same goes for your daughter.

If your daughter does decide she wants to live with you then hopefully the Court will pay attention to her wishes and grant that change of custody. Ultimately family court wants children to be happy and to feel safe and secure - your daughter is old enough to articulate the reasons why she wishes to live with you, and courts place a great deal of weight on what children would prefer.

If your daughter does spend more time with you then that, as others have pointed out, would mean your little lad could have his room back. The other two kids can share a room. They are closer in age, and your son would likely far rather share with his sister (if she has days where she stays with her mum) then with a much older boy he doesn't know.

Sorry again that you are dealing with all this upheaval - it must be very difficult and frustrating not being able to fix everything for your children.

I’d also like to add your ex is a massive cunt for the way she is acting. Your poor children 😢

New boyfriend doesn't have PR, he has absolutely no place even trying to collect your children. You do have PR and you are exercising it in the best interests of your children.

I don't imagine the other children are delighted about this either. There must be a backstory about how this has happened after only 11 months, like he was being evicted ir they lived with his parents. It's a terrible thing for him to do too so both of them are making poor decisions and can'tbe trusted.

Who owns your ex's home, it sounds like the previous family home. If you have some ownership you could possibly force them out.

From my experience, at around 13 is when courts start to consider the young persons own point of view. Have you got capacity for her to stay with you for a while? It might get ugly but if they don’t feel comfortable at their Mums house, but DO feel safe and comfortable at yours, you may need to go back to court for a different arrangement. And start collecting any evidence you can.

Your children need someone who will put their wellbeing first and make safe decisions for them to have full custody. That’s only you I think. They can still have a relationship with their mother, even though she is doing her best to ruin it right now.

No advice, but honestly, you sound like the best dad, and a true advocate for your children.

If my relationship broke down, I can't imagine imposing on them, what your ex is trying to impose. The mind boggles, that she couldn't wait a handful of years, before moving in with someone? Lucky they have you, looking after their best interests. Hope it all works out.

Where would they have even taken it to? Taking bedding etc is pretty weird. Can you just ask your ex what’s happened to it?

Get legal help to get full custody. If your dd and ds want to stay then check that this is possible. Inform the police of the threat of your ex sending round her partner to your place to get the kids. This sounds violent.

Can anyone else act as a mediator here? your kids need to be able to tell their mum how they feel, without feeling dismissed or ambushed. They don’t feel they have that relationship with her at the moment. She’s going to see this as criticism of her choices/lifestyle and get defensive. For that reason, I don’t think you’re the right person to mediate.

It’s out of order for them to throw out your son’s stuff away. Given the lack of existing relationship, it was ridiculous to try and squeeze these 6 people in a 3 bedroom house. There’s not enough room and it’s a downgrade in lifestyle for your children.

I would want clarification on what the long term
plan is here. I would have thought they are house hunting? If so, have they got plans to
sell the house? Was it necessary to throw your son’s stuff out, if it could have been kept in storage until they move to a new house? How did they expect him to react etc

I don’t think the situation is necessarily abusive though. I have no idea what legal recourse is available under the circumstances. I’m not sure that full custody would be given but definitely seek legal advice.

I have no specific advice as I have no experience in this. What I 100% know, is you sound exactly what a good dad sounds like. Level headed and consistent, ie exactly what children need in a parent.
This must be such a difficult time for you all.

I wish you every strength and fortune at this time. Believe in yourself.

Yep
i don’t live with my actual husband who I love to distraction
Because an attempt at some kind of ‘blending’ that never included non sibling children sharing rooms wasn’t right

my youngest son is now 18 and away to the forces so we can maybe change this

put your kids first

OP you really don’t have to justify your DS’s love of Spider-Man or how much you have spent on things for him, he’s your child you can spend what you like.

I would definitely be calling a solicitor first thing Monday if you didn’t already today and starting the process of full custody. I’d also be getting social services involved as your children’s mother is clearly not putting their welfare first.

I understand their mother has a right to move on, but her children’s welfare should always come first.

It’s a very positive sign they can come to you and talk freely, keep it up.

This sounds like something I’d see on one of local free or selling Facebook pages, bundle of Spider-Man bedroom stuff including bedding. It would absolutely be snapped up around here. There are also local charities that would take this stuff, I gave away all my DDs younger bedding no problems.

Well done for advocating for your kids OP. So sorry they're having to go through this. I can't believe she's fucking rushing moving a man she hasn't known a year into her kids home and forcing a blended family situation and binned off her little boys belongings and what could be an innappropriate gaming setup! Absolutley disgusting.

All power to you OP, get your babies into your home full time, her actions are completely unacceptable.

For the cat get some dreamies, most cats are obsessed with them.

You sound like a BRILLIANT Dad. They're so lucky to have you. My parents split when I was 7 and my mom moved various boyfriends in, and it was horrible, but at least my bedroom was my own.

Your children (especially your daughter) will always remember you listened to them, took their concerns seriously and stood up for them.

The fact the boyfriend agreed to go round and try to intimidate you into handing your children over to him, is a massive red flag. Please keep your children with you.

The mum would obviously have said if it was temporary but I don’t think the arrangement is appropriate for any amount of time. And also it wouldn’t explain or justify why they decided to change OPs son beloved Spider-Man themed bedroom and get rid of his things in favour of how the partners son wants it or this grown man coming into the shared bedroom with OPs daughter.

Where were the new partner and his children living before moving in with your ex?

OP what a terrible situation for you all, it’s disgusting how many parents behave and put their kids at risk - but you’re clearly an amazing dad.

I know your children will recover from this eventually and sleep better knowing that they are now in a safe home with a parent who protects them and puts them first.

I hope they do not go back at all if that’s not what they want. In the long term Contact should be limited to day time visits.

If they do move in with you perhaps your ex will need to pay some child support and you can put some of that towards making your son’s bedroom in your house look a bit like his old room at his mums.

Not surprised to hear your exes partners has his kids full time kids - that’s clearly why he was so eager to move in. Free babysitting!