EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

I think do what your DD wants OP. Your ex’s partner is not in loco parentis - he’s nothing to your children, you are the parent. If he comes to the door politely inform him that you are not returning your DD and the reason, and inform him that any attempt to force the situation will result in a call to the police. Tell him you will be seeking a court order for appropriate custody given that DD is old enough to decide for herself where she wants to live. If your son wants to be with you and his sister too, then he should have a chance to say so in front of a judge. Given that you’re at 50/50 already can you facilitate having them more ? If so, I’d go for that.

If you go to the top of the original OP and look to the right you’ll see a link entitled ‘OP posts: See all’. Click on ‘see all’ and all of the OP’s updates will come up and you can scroll through without reading all the other comments on the thread.

Yes that is true! I just mentioned the first post as it’s easiest to find if they don’t want to go through the whole thread :) And it’s easy to find “see all” at the top of every page too without having to scroll.

Thank you!

That bit about your son's room brought an actual tear. How horrible. My boy would be heartbroken if that happened to his room - he also loves Spidermam,

Her new partner has no parental responsibility or rights. He can’t turn up on your doorstep and demand you hand your own children to him - who has only been on the scene five minutes. Your ex is delusional
and you sound scared of them both. Time to man up and protect your children from a shit living situation. Your daughter is 13 so is allowed to decide for herself where she wants to be. If your ex kicks off about it, maybe she should ask herself why her own daughter doesn’t want to live with her any more.

Your ex is a shit mother. End of.

Basically what I said the first time lol glad you understood it this time.

If they’re selling it that’s even worse

Your ex partner is acting in the most selfish way only thinking of herself.
I can not believe she sent her partner to take your children and he actually tried to do this it is not his place it's wrong in so many ways.
You have so many reasons to go to court I promise you they will listen to you but they will say to try mediation before the court process if nothing is worked out amicably here then you get your court date
Cafcass will get involved and want to speak with your children.
Honestly don't be afraid it will put a stop to anything like this happening in your children's futures .
Taking away a young boys bedroom in this way is absolutely disgusting behaviour and your daughter is at a critical age she needs privacy not another person in her room and definitely not a stranger of a man in her room or home a court will wipe the floor with your ex wife they only care about the children's welfare .
Keep your children with you you are breaking no laws .. you are their dad and protecting them big hugs x

So sorry that you and your kids find yourself in this position, OP. It sounds like you're doing your very best to provide them with some sanctuary and stability in what must be a very difficult time. It's awful that their mum appears willing to chuck them under the bus like this in favour of her new man. Some people really aren't fit to be parents.

It is his stuff, so if it has been disposed of then it needs to be replaced.

Telling him to man up is not fair. The partner turned up and he sent him away with a flea in his ear. At what stage has OP acted against the interests of his children, or been scared to stand up for them?

Your ex is just thinking of herself n her new partner not about her children this is awful

To be honest there is very little your wife or police can do if you have 50:50 arrangements and your daughter of 12 is refusing to go back to her mum. Police usually ask you to remedy it between you. I would get in contact with a solicitor and get some legal advice about your options going forward.

To be honest I think your ex is disgusting, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would choose any partner over my children.

I was 11 in early 90’s and I was able to say I didn’t want to see my dad. All this time ago, my wishes were respected. This man has no right to remove your child from your house. I’d contact a lawyer asap, to enquire about children living permanently with you. Their mum doesn’t seem to have put the children first. I feel so sorry for them, particularly your wee boy. Who has been practically erased from his own bedroom. Good luck.

Do the other two children stay with their own mother sometimes too? If so maybe it can be arranged for each pair to be with their mother half the week and father half the week and nobody would be sharing rooms. But perhaps remember millions of children share bedrooms and the incoming ones probably feel unwelcome and unsettled too.

Firstly and importantly, you need to continue with the current arrangements (and that includes handing them back as normal). Despite what many relies say, ignore any advice to the contrary. It’s terrible.

The reason for this is that the courts, should it come to that, will almost certainly frown upon you unilaterally trying to change current arrangements, even if the children aren’t happy. While their views are important, they are not dispositive. If you act unilaterally, the courts will often view you as the antagonist, particularly as you are a man. On no account bad mouth the mother, new partner or their children in front of your children, that could also count against you. Do of course keep a contemporaneous record of everything.

Second, as many have suggested, speak to a solicitor experienced in childcare arrangements. I suspect his advice will be to go to mediation (the courts will both expect it, and it would be quicker). Those who are advising you to go to court are again not giving good advice, there is an enormous backlog that will take months. Social services will not get involved as there is no safeguarding issue, and again involving them unnecessarily could count against you.

A solicitor should be able to advise you on actions that you should be taking in the meantime, and also what the parameters of any court imposed settlement would look like (which may not be “fair” or what the children want) so you know what to ask for in that process. They may even say you have to suck it up as there’s not a legal issue, and unfortunately this is a common occurrence that courts do not disturb.

As it stands, any arrangement needs to balance the parental rights of the mother and the views of the children. I’m afraid, it’s extremely unlikely that the children will be able to avoid any time with their mother, so they will have to spend some time with her new partner and his children, in a situation they obviously hate.

You might be able to argue the accommodation is unsuitable (6 people living in a 3 bed house, but I’m sure it does happen in plenty of cases, so it’s not going to be “illegal”, however you cold argue it’s in the children’s interest to spend most of their time with you. Similarly, the court won’t regard step siblings as “strangers” it’s unreasonable to share a room with, there are probably hundreds of thousands of families in the country in that situation, they could easily consider it’s just part of adjusting to a new family arrangement.

In short, this can be sorted but it will take time. Take legal advice. You just need to impress on the children that they need to carry on while you try to fix things with their mother, no matter how painful that is.

Best of luck.

I’m so sorry your children are having to deal with this. How are things today?

I knew there would be an “MN man-hater” who would find some way to blame the OP (man) for something that is clearly not his fault at all, and is in fact a woman’s fault.

Similarly, the court won’t regard step siblings as “strangers” it’s unreasonable to share a room with
the OP has said partner repeatedly , they are not married therefore they are not step siblings , they are just unfortunate children who have got shit parents who have landed them in this awful situation. The OP should keep his children until he’s got advice from a family law specialist.

This. They’re the children of someone their mother met less than a year ago. They’re strangers.

Firstly, your ex can send her partner around to your house to pick up your daughter, but no way should you hand over YOUR daughter to someone you don't know.
This isn't a social services issue. You need to get legal advice, the children will be spoken too, individually, appointed by the courts and then the judge will decide. I hope you don't have to go this far but l fear you will. Your children have had their lives turned upside down to accommodate others, it is very much out of order and not surprising they are upset. From what you say, your ex's partners children have taken presidency over your children....They should be fitting in, not your children..Your ex wife is putting herself first, not her children. You need to talk to her telling her , the children are so upset and what is she going to do about it...lf you cannot get her to be reasonable, seek advice from a solicitor, it's obvious she is putting her needs above her children's...Good luck, l really hope it can be worked out.

What a stupid and ludicrous piece of advice this is. Do not contact social services as there is absolutely no need for them to do an assessment. If something can’t be sorted amicably then get a solicitor and go about it that way.

Social services are not there for this type of thing. Your ex sounds awful and it’s really tough on your kids but it is certainly nothing to report to social services.

How long have they been in a relationship for? How may times has they met each other? Spent time with each other?

The 12 year old is old enough to be able to decide where she wants to stay. The 7 year old…. Not so much.

Personally, I think you need to encourage your children to integrate into a family.

remember, this will be happening to your children if you meet a new partner, who may or may not have children, and I would expect your ex to support your choices. They will have to share and the bedrooms need to be a neutral space. What are you expecting? For them NEVER to move in together? (Little controlling?!)

This is going to be very hard for them, but you also need to remember that this isn’t exactly “nice” for the new partners children? It’s hard going all around.

Anyway, I don’t think social serious the route to go, it’s literally wasting their time unless you have serious safeguarding concerns about the new partners:….. and I doubt there are any as his has custody of 2 children,

Support is the answer here, understanding for ALL of the children….. this is a new situation; and will take time to settle.