EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

It's absolutely shocking that an 11 year old is able to game in a shared room with a 7 year old. I'm so sorry Op I'd be heartbroken for my 7 year old in this situation.

I'm so sad for your poor seven year old having his lovely decorated room painted over. You have a lot more patience and maturity than most people in that situation, I'm honestly impressed you managed to have this 'partner' conlme to your door without committing a serious crime against him

Social services won't get involved with this but early help might if op self refers

It will have been really important to your DC that you are on their side and putting them first in this situation. This will probably have mitigated a lot of the damage their mum's and partners behaviour has done to them in the long term.

Think about what steps you need to take to show a clear trail of you doing the right thing and putting your children first, legal advice, mediation? Log with school when open again. Contact whatever agency is appropriate, in England it would be something like SPOA, to get advice, which will be logged. Seek support from other organisations as well. Communicate with ex via email, note down everything that happens, all conversations, everything kids say about it, everything ex and partner do and say. Think about getting support for your children, do they need someone to talk to? It would be good for them to talk to someone independent of the situation. School would be good and can give advice and support but you might need to do something in the meantime. Remember all of this can be used as evidence if you end up in court so be sure to make a record of everything you do with your children which shows you are being a good parent. For example I expect you are doing something nice with your kids today, write it down eg "DC feeling very low, said ... took them to /did ... to cheer them up" if you do this regularly it will build up a picture of how you are being a good parent. Also try to show that you are being reasonable and trying to reach a compromise with your ex which is in the best interests of your DC.

Hi OP,
Mum is a moron I'm not sure how she felt this is a good idea but people can do silly things when they're in love and trying to help. Poor kids on both sides, must feel awful for the new kids feeling unwanted and it's not their own space too.

My suggestion is that you invite your ex to mediation. Say you want to work with her to keep up her relationship and quality time with the children while also putting their happiness and wellbeing first.
I think it's unreasonable for your daughter to never sleep at her mum's, but she may now want to do this just once a week.
I think boundaries like this man not being in your daughter's room while she's in her PJs is very reasonable. Dad can kiss his daughter goodnight before she goes in. Can the video games be kept downstairs and not in your son's bedroom etc.

Get a ring doorbell to record if the new step dad figure is aggressive at your door. You never HAVE to hand kids over to him as he doenst have parental responsibility. I find it odd that mum didn't show up to collect herself, is she scared of you? Kids would have been much more likely to want to go when her than that weird new bf.

Can anything be done with screens or room divide for added privacy

Your daughter is old enough to vote with her feet but your wife would have a very strong case to keep the status quo with the 7 year old if she takes you to court, and having just the 7 year old there without his sister might feel worse for him.

But your ex needs to realise that if she makes an almost teen uncomfortable at her home then she won't want to stay there if she has an alternative that's life comfortable.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum , that's a weird interpretation. I read that as the opposite, in that think the mother sent the new partner to pick up the kids as she thought her new partner would be in a better position to intimidate the OP into a handover.

Completely agree.

Yes it could be that. But I'm asking a question, not telling him. Op will know the dynamics.

If mum is a people pleaser type (which maybe why she agreed to her very new bf and kids invading the family home) then she might be a bit scared of op or of conflict or confrontation in general

The OP really cannot enforce any of these rules in the mom house and she seems incapable of advocating for her children; or is just absolutely useless to them whole she has this new man.

She hasn't just moved a bunch of strangers into their home/bedroom; but completely removed all trace of any familiar thing that would maintain a bit of comfort for her children.

Then she remained in her home and sent the stranger round to collect the children. Either she is expecting the man would be intimidating enough for OP to hand them over, or he's already very controlling and is insisting the children return to the uncomfortable home.

She is not sounding like a safe parent, so I would keep the daughter and fight her tooth and nail for the son. She really doesn't sound like 'home' for these children.

I'd be tempted to send the mother a link to this thread, let her read everyone's opinions.

Completely agree @Dweetfidilove she isn’t a safe parent that can be trusted to set and enforce boundaries . She has shown that clearly and yes it’s no longer home for OPs kids.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum there’s actually no reason for them to have to continue with any overnight stays at all while they have other children in what was their rooms. How is it “unreasonable”?

This arrangement has clearly upset and unsettled them (understandably so)so why have an expectation of staying in their old bedrooms - which are now shared by and tailored to the other children - once a week?

They can still see their mum if they want, but no need for overnight visits. It’s probably especially upsetting for the younger boy to be in his room that was stripped of the Spider-Man theme.

If the kids moving out bothers the mother so much she can always end the relationship or ask the man to move back out with his kids . But I strongly suspect she won’t do that as her kids don’t seem to be her priority.

I come from divorced parents and even living with a different man and their children is tough so I can only imagine if I had to share how I would of felt having my own room redone to suit a step sibling. It doesn't sound like she's taken their feelings into account and only focused on her step children moving in and making them comfortable which isn't good way of starting out. They now feel second best and are hurting.

Like others have said can they live with you? I haven't read the whole thread.

@Wednesdayisme You have definitely missed a lot - you can select “see all” to see all OPs updates.

Didn't want go to go through 13 pages but as Ive been through blended families didn't want to read and dash. I know I can look through but I didn't know how to just view the OP replies ill just stop commenting then

how are things today David?

Just keep your kids needs as the priority. My Ex forced ours into meeting OW very early on after we separated. He then moved miles away. Mine are young adults now bur they don’t ever forget who prioritised their needs and safety and they have zero or very little contact with him. I have zero faith in the family court system though so would always advise you to try and work things out between you and your ex.

Your ex is deluded. She is one of these parents who has stuck her fingers in her ears and gone “La la, everything is ok, the kids”ll get used to it”.

They have no choice but to suck it up most of the time and then countdown the days till they can leave.

You need to keep them with you. I’d just present your ex with the facts. They aren’t comfortable with the changes, and having a strange man and people in their rooms. They don’t want this.

Her choices are; ask them to leave, or your DC are staying with you.

Didn't want go to go through 13 pages..

Yeah that’s why I was explaining to you if you hit “see all” at top of the page or under OP’s first post you can easily view all of their updates without reading everyone else’s posts. Just an FYI.

Dear god. Another one putting a man before her children.

I'd have them live with me. If her bf rocks up to take your DC call the police.

I know a court would take your daughter's feelings into consideration. Your son is still very young but clearly miserable.

I have nothing of value to add to this discussion except that you sound like an absolutely wonderful parent and your children are so lucky to have you. Your ex doesn’t sound as though she is prioritising her children’s emotional or physical needs at all only her own, so it’s so good that your children have your home as a safe space and you as their safe parent. This will be invaluable to them growing up.

See all also appears in every post of the OPs, so if you happen to be eslewhere on the thread you can still click to see all posts :)

I just came on to wish you and your DCs the best of luck. On the positive side at least it is the school holidays, and you have the space in your home for them to stay until it's sorted.

Your ex is obviously completely under the spell of someone who, judging by what's happened, is an unpleasant, overbearing bully. Your poor little boy having his personal space, and beloved Spider-Man possessions treated with such contempt is heartbreaking. How a mother could allow her own children to be treated like that is very hard to understand, and may well irrevocably damage her relationship with them forever.

Good luck OP, your children are lucky they have you.

Agree with this, there are so many alarm bells ringing.

The poor children must feel really upset and overwhelmed by her decision. She hasn't given them any consideration whatsoever. And sending the new BF, who they hardly know, to get them to come back is awful. If she had any consideration for them, she'd have come herself.

I really hope you manage to get this sorted, OP, and they're allowed to stay with you.

Forcing your daughter to return for the sake of her brother may backfire if she blames him for being the reason she must stay in an environment she finds intolerable. Her wishes regarding residency will likely carry considerable weight in court.

I would not engage the new boyfriend at all. This is between you and your ex, concerning your joint children.

Offering/engaging in mediation will likely reflect well on you in court if the situation escalates to that level. Courts generally do not want to be involved, they want co parents to be able to resolve such disputes themselves.

You would be best served to employ the services of a family law solicitor (a good one. Do your research, obviously). They will be able to evaluate the situation and advise you accordingly.

Document everything.