EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

There is no mention of how the other children have reacted, have they meekly gone along with their dad plan of new home/new family? If so it indicates, they could be scared of him. The resentment has to come out somewhere, it would be directed at your own children. I don’t know any children that would not speak out and be angry at this forced set up. If they are blatantly ignored and told they have to suck it up, the household at mum’s will implode, it could very easily turn nasty, especially if the bf is ruling the roost.
Your ex is very happy to let bf deal with picking kids up and was hoping DC and yourself was cowered by his ‘authority’ and his presence would nip any arguments in the bud! In that kind of set up, the next step could easily be to threaten kids not to run to you and tell you what they are forced to endure.
They underestimated you, they were hoping you would let it slide, for fear of having to step up and go for full custody. They thought you wouldn’t want to risk your own romance and would do everything to not rock the boat. They thought you were like them and only cared about yourself!

Your poor kids and selfish horrible ex. I don't have any advice but I just wanted say you sound like such a lovely supportive dad. Your son especially sounds like he's going to need lots of TLC which I'm sure you're giving him and you should definitely let school know about the situation.

Could you get the artist to paint the same spiderman into the room at your house? I really hope they didn't throw his stuff out.

Don't be ridiculous

There was plenty to say though.

What a woeful excuse for a mother she is ☹️.

That list of actions just breaks my heart. Thank God they have one useful parent.

You've handled this brilliantly and you're a great dad to your kids. Honestly what pieces of shit your ex and her meathead partner are

True and it's just so sad for the children lumbered with these selfish excuses for parents.

Can you speak to their schools on Monday morning? Ask for the safeguarding lead.
This must be heartbreaking for you and your poor children, but you sound such a lovely man - I hope you can resolve the issues.

You're doing the right thing for your kids, your ex has basically snuffed them out in favour of the "new family". It's time for court.

Your poor kids. That's awful.
I hope you can see a solicitor ASAP and find a resolution that's best for the kids.

I will never understand why people think this is ok for children. Can you imagine as an adult having to all of a sudden share your room with a complete stranger that has moved into your house who you may not get on with and being told to suck it up. Your ex wife is only thinking of herself. Why you would move a new partner and their children in after such a short space of time I will never know, they certainly aren’t thinking about any of the children in this. Their home should be a safe space for them to come home to and also a 11 year old gamer who presumably is going to start secondary school soon should not be sharing with a 7 year old. You sound like a lovely dad and they are lucky to have you speaking up for them.

Oh OP this has been so sad to read, so God knows how it feels to go through it. The spiderman bedding thing got me.

I was your daughter in this situation 25 years ago. I can tell you it was the absolute worst time of my life and, though she doesn't know it, I'll never forgive my mum for it. I was a prisoner from this girl in my own home, looking back she obviously had a huge amount of issues herself but the bullying was relentless and I had no escape.

Have you spoken to a solicitor?

You could ask for advice on the Legal section here in the meantime OP. Make it clear that you’re in Scotland in case the laws differ.

Yes boyfriend sound like he’s not to be trusted and definitely red flags

are there any wider family members like dgps or family on OPs side who would support them and OP (may have already been said)

It was a kind suggestion. No need to be mean.

OP you have been given a lot of wrong advice. There is no such thing as full custody, it’s a Child Arrangement Order, which results in a “lives with order”.

Neither do you need a solicitor, they are expensive and often drag things out. You can either self represent or find a McKenzie friend, I’ll DM you with some organisations that will help.

You don’t request a section 7, the court orders it. It is a fact finding process, usually arranged by CAFCASS. They will speak to both parents and all children, from there they write a report making recommendations to the court. Please remember to keep everything child focused, no mud slinging etc it just shows that you and your ex cannot parent effectively together.

Not really, I couldn’t stop them getting married or stop the children seeing their other parent (which they wanted to do, they’d have just rather had them to themselves, which is natural).

You sound like a wonderful dad, who's priortising his children's welfare.
I volunteer in child protection in Scotland, where services and the law is slightly different.
You could suggest that your children phone Childline.
Seek legal advice ASAP
Scottish schools have broken up, but there might still be members of the school management team in school to contact.

Did your children want to live with you full time then and refuse to go back to your ex? If not, it’s not the same situation.

These two kids are deeply unhappy and uncomfortable about the arrangement to the point they don’t want to go back.

And there could be safeguarding concerns as myself and others have mentioned upthread - it’s better to be safe than sorry.

No way should OP be supporting her ex and her new partner to continue traumatising his kids which is what they’re doing.

There are many more stories on here about adults who look back with anger or sadness about this kind of situation they were put through as children.

I assume the other children have been somewhat placated by the fact they have taken over the bedrooms. OPs ex partners son was probably told they would get rid of the Spider-Man theme and decorate it exactly how he wanted. The girl’s dad comes in and says goodnight to his daughter in her shared bedroom as if he’s back in their old home. No regard for OPs daughter and how she might feel.

I mean sure, those poor kids are victims too and might have been uncomfortable or angry at having to move. But they may also be aware they have the upper hand since their Dad is willing and able to convince OPs ex to go along with things for their benefit - even when it’s to the detriment of her own children

They may also be sadly used to this, their mum isn’t on the scene and perhaps it’s not the first time this vile man has “blended” families.

You're doing the right thing. No court order so you don't have to return them, be led by what the kids want. Hopefully it will send a strong message to their mum and she will rethink the living arrangements.
It's not just your kids, her new partners kids must feel unsettled with the situation too. It's just a bad idea all round!

The OP appears to be in Scotland where the system is different. CAFCASS does not exist in Scotland and there is no direct equivalent.

Your poor children. They’ve basically been kicked out of their own bedrooms for strangers, who are in their space more than they are. I cannot see how they should be forced to return under the circumstances and I would be tempted to speak to the police non emergency line to establish whether you can keep them with you until it’s been through court.

your description of the cat has made me laugh though, and your attitude in regards to your partner and the children is really child centred. You seem like a lovely dad with your children’s interests at heart. I hope you get the best outcome from this for your children.

Personally I would follow what the kids want and not return them if they don't want to go back, she can then instigate court.

for what its worth - I think you have done the correct thing by allowing the children to stay with you. This will show the children you do have their best interests at heart and someone they can rely on with this happening.

These two children not only had a new mums dp move in but also sharing their bedrooms with his two children full time - this is a big change, and sleeping with a best friend full time would be a ig change - let alone children they hardly know.

Then on top of this big change the sanctuary of their bedrooms gets completely changed with a birthday present whitewashed over.
This blended family really Han't seemed to be thought through or been done sensitively and now they are all paying the price of this move.

If the children stay with you, would they need to change schools? have after school care etc?

I do hope you are able to get some great legal advice and hopefully get the children sorted living with you on a higher percentage and hopefully visiting their mum on weekends.

Your daughter can certainly choose where she lives and hopefully your son can have some input to stay with his sister and you - as already his life has been 50/50 so moving over to being possible 80/20 would be easy for a judge to grant