EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

There's so many red flags about this man. Both he and the Mum agreed to this set up where his children were going to be sleeping in rooms with practical strangers. I don't agree with gaming systems, especially not internet enabled gaming systems, in bedrooms anyway but appreciate I might be a bit of an outlier on that, but it's definitely not appropriate in a 7 yos room. It's heartbreaking that they took away all his special spiderman things that made his room his own, even the lampshade and his bedding, and I can't believe that two adults agreed to do that to a little boy. Cruel, nasty people who don't deserve any children, let alone 4.

Unfortunately, this should be unbelievable but it's not, it happens all the time :( poor children

As a Stepmum, I could never do that to a child. The first thing DH and I did as a couple was get a 2 bed flat so we could give SD her own room and decorate it.

I found this.

Sounds like there's a very good chance of the 12 yr old's view being taken into consideration.

https://familylawyersglasgow.com/at-what-age-can-a-child-choose-which-parent-to-live-with-in-scotland/

@Caligirl80 it wouldn't be appropriate for a 7 year old boy to share with a 13 yo girl.
A young girl dealing with puberty shouldn't be sharing with a 7 boy.

Someone I know has recently been through the court system and was told from the age of 10 they take the child's wishes in to account. I think my first step would be to involve social services as they will do an assessment and make recommendations. Your poor children, an awful situation to have thrust on them.

Social services won't do an assessment. They don't assess random parental disagreements about residence, that's not what they are there for.

I would be tempted to ask the daughter to go back (at least one time) so her little brother has an ally. She is sharing with a girl her own age, perhaps less uncomfortable than his situation.

I don’t blame your DD not wanting to return. My ex moved in a woman and 15yr old boy my DD (was also 15 then) had met twice. I told my ex that she will stop staying there, and had a right go at him but he did it regardless. 1 month later, DD refused to go there, she was very uncomfortable as she is very shy. No-one would want strangers in their home. I get that people want to move on, but sorry, I chose to not move any people into the home I shared with my kids. Sure date, but this is massively disruptive for your kids, and I don’t blame them for reacting like this. Your DD has the right to ask to move in with you, and mum is going to have to live with the consequences of her action. I really feel for your poor boy having his room completely changed like that. I’d go to court and ask for full custody, mum is thinking of herself only.

I feel so sorry for your children and I can not imagine moving someone into our home. I really can not understand your ex wife’s attitude. I agree with other posters, as there is no court order, keep the children with you and seek legal advice on Monday. And sadly your ex wife has irrevocably damaged her relationship with her children - very sad indeed. Hopefully, your children can feel safe and happy with you.

It’s time to go to Court for primary custody. Personally I would file for interim primary custody until final custody matters are heard. That way your children can legally stay with you.

If there is no Court order you can keep the children.

A 7 year old boy should not have to share with an 11 year old boy who is a stranger to him and about to go into puberty.

She really has damaged her relationship with her children.

The OP’s kids are always going to remember the time their mother moved an entire other family into their tiny house and made them share their bedrooms with strangers.

This is so sad to read. I have a very sensitive 8 year old and I can't imagine how hurt he would feel having his safe bedroom all changed and a stranger moving in. I hate how some people just think children should just get on with it and cope- why should they?
I would set him up an awesome spiderman bedroom at your house and have him there as much as possible.

I am so sorry this is happening to your children.

Make sure you make a lot of notes on exactly what has been said (quote what they say) and what has happened and when.

Keep any notes or drawings from the children too. Some children may write or draw to get their feelings out.

Was this the former marital home? Were the children aware the rooms would be redecorated? I don’t understand why he wasn’t given the items to take to yours and I’d be sending a text asking for them back so he can put them in his room at yours.

I agree gaming in a seven year old (or eleven year olds) room is unacceptable. Sharing rooms with strangers is unacceptable too.

Do you think she has moved in him as she is struggling financially or because she’s lonely? I just can’t imagine moving a man and his kids in and then getting my kids to give up their rooms.

Op it’s good they have you on their side. Very sad post, and I bet this happens more often then we realise. But yes keep the children, write extensive notes. Talk to the school and a solicitor on Monday. I think your girl is likely to be listened to. Presumably this man had his own place prior to moving in so he paid bills etc? Why couldn’t they just move somewhere bigger?

Sorry op what a shit situation.

I also feel bad for the other 2 children who were moved in. I would imagine this new arrangement won’t last very long as they will be moving in again. Such selfish adult behaviour

My cousin put a gaming system in her very young child’s room (he was about 5 years old).

I thought she did it so she could keep him in his own bedroom and out of the way of the way of the common living areas.

I remember thinking how was it was for him.

Poor kids. You sound a lovely dad and great you have room for both so you need to see a solicitor and get full custody

sure any judge will listen to your kids and reiiese being with you is better

The ex and her new partner sound absolutely horrendous, I hope that you get this resolved.

So sorry you are all going through this. I just want to add be very careful moving the cat suddenly if not experienced with cats, as they can easily get lost if they get outside in a new place, and it sounds like you all have more than enough to deal with.

I went through this, it was awful at the time, similar situation with the kids sharing and being the same age. Same timeline but they got married so there was not much say. Just to say, although it took months to adjust my children now look back on those times fondly. But the difference is I tried to support my ex as much as possible and kept as good relations as possible so the kids felt secure during the upheavals.

Those poor children, I'm so glad they have a father like you. I dont often say this, but I hope you get full custody for their sake.

I'll never understand parents that will not put their children's needs above their own wants.

You are obviously aching for them - empathy leaps out from the post.

I don't think you have to leap into action just yet, not until the dust has settled. Your immediate job is listener - a job your ex clearly is not doing. Anything you have to do will become plain enough, soon enough. But let it all settle down while listening tto their woes for a little more time. Rushing to the rescue could make things even worse.

It seems likely your children will need you to take them for more time, but they need to get over the initial shock to know what they really want. It isn't an easy situation because if they come to you, they will carry the feeling that their mother pushed them away in favour of her new man's children.

I find it loathsome when the children are treated in these sorts of ways. If one or both of them is introverted by preference, this really will have been a horrendously upsetting experience.

Finally I have read some comments saying that people cannot believe this has been done by their mother. I can. Emotional neglect is where this situation is pulling me, but it shouldn't. These children have one kind and understanding parent who will look after them.

CONTRIBUTIONS to buy 7 yr old new Spiderman decorations and bedding to be collected by MNHQ?? I would contribute if anonymous collection could be arranged.

No advice, just coming here to say that you sound like a really lovely man and the most caring, loving dad. I can feel your upset and outrage for your children and your very justified concerns. Hope retrieving the bald cat goes as well as it can do!

The more I think about it, the more worrying this sounds. This man has just moved his kids in and taken over the house. I’m starting to wonder if actually the ex has been pushed into this. She could be trapped in an abusive relationship. Definitely the right thing to get the kids out of there.