To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

[CathyBlowsBubbles]

DD (10) is not as academic as either her older sister or her older brother (14&11). She’s a lovely child who isn’t struggling but is bang average. She’s never in trouble and tries her best.

All year, she’s been telling me how she was going to work really hard to get a HT’s award given every other month as she’s never got one. (Older sibs both got lots over the course of their primary school) She’s come home tonight in tears which is so rare for her. Naughty kid in her class got it for ‘making an improved effort to listen in class. Now I know that it’s about equity and that he should be rewarded for improving BUT, where’s her reward for calmly and quietly working her socks off all year? Why is that NEVER, EVER rewarded??? How come her older sibs were forever being rewarded for being super high achievers when it all came so easily to them yet she is never recognised.

She is in a class with a high proportion of kids with behavioural issues and right from Infants, any tiny weekly improvement has been seized on and rewarded. Doesn’t change anything. Behaviour is still poor. Kids are still hurting other kids and disrupting lessons. All TA attention and support is given to those kids too to enable the teacher to teach. How is that fair? How is it fair that the TA supports that group and the teacher ‘stretches’ the high achievers twice a week but the cohort in the middle (apart from one who’s disruptive) are just left to get on with it.

Why don’t they ever even say to us, ‘look, the class is too big, the teacher is frazzled, the TA is struggling too, your kid is no trouble so they just need to suck it up!’ They never say that. They never say, ‘we know this child has received rewards frequently over the part 6yrs without impact but we still need to try despite how demotivating it is to kids who try all year and get nothing in return.’ The system is completely broken when kids like my youngest child gets to the end of Y5 effectively unnoticed. My eldest was on their G&T register and somehow she didn’t go unnoticed! 🤨 I feel so angry on DD’s behalf. She’s never going to get the academic accolades that the older two get. AIBU to ask why can’t she be recognised for just being a good kid?

My well behaved, hard working but academically average child has just got to the end of year 11 completely unnoticed. It’s rubbish and knocks their confidence, but it just seems to be the way it is. I praise and reward him at home for good behaviour and effort and I’m just hoping that college is a more motivating environment for him.

I would actually contact the teacher or even the head and say that your kid came home tonight upset and explain why. Ask what she has to do to get any kind of award or recognition. Don't mention other kids or whether they deserve it or not just what does yours need to do.

I'm waiting for leavers assembly (I have a yr 6) his sister was the ignored middle. Expected nothing, got nothing - it has impacted her. This one is top of the class in maths and science. He expects to get nothing as he's not teachers pet.... it wouldn't suprise me if he wasn't correct....

Where I used to work we had golden time for half an hour on a Friday. It was ditched because ‘it doesn’t work, the same kids each week are missing it so it’s not helping them behave’. But what about the 90% of good kids who did behave, and got their golden time? They saw that the children who had messed around missed it and that they’d behaved and felt they’d been rewarded.

If it helps OP, most teaching in primaries is aimed at the middle. So she may not get extra attention from the TA or teacher, but the because the main teaching was aimed at her level. The kids in the other groups are usually sitting through teaching which is not the correct level for them, hence the additional input after.

they should be making sure everyone gets a certificate at some point though. I thought all schools did to be honest.

Contact the teacher, not the head, as I am sure your DDs upset will at some time come out in her moods in class.

I agree with you. Pretty much why I left teaching. 90% of attention is given to 20% of the kids. I would have loved to give kids like your DD the attention and recognition that they deserve. That's why I went into teaching in the first place.

I’m sorry that your dd just worked this out. This topic makes me rant but my kids got over it a long time ago which is good.

It is shit and I’ve had to nudge more than one teacher into giving my kid the award that everybody is supposed to get every year. Once my kids heard about the con that they are, they stopped trying and stopped taking it personally and thinking that their teacher didn’t like them. They worked it out in infants and just asked me to remind their teacher to give them any prize that everyone is supposed to get at least once a year.

If your dd decided to behave poorly 4 days a week then was good for the day that the teacher decided who won the award then she’d have lots of awards but not something that any parent wants to recommend to their child.

Aw, poor kid 😔

I'd contact the teacher and explain how she's feeling.

They forget the resilience of some of those ‘good’ kids too because they quietly get on despite the noise, disruption and broken attention. They never think how much effort, and ‘empathy’, and ‘kindness’, and any of the other school values those kids might have had to draw upon to get through the day.

I’m with you op. And your little girl. It’s so unfair.

When ds2 was at primary school we explained to him that only the naughty kids get the rewards and only the noisy, pushy ones get the leading parts in the plays. This set him up to not be disappointed in not getting anything (quiet, well behaved autistic). We gave rewards at home when we needed to. He used to say it wasn't fair though and why bother trying hard.

I agree with you as a parent and as someone who works in a school. My DD is similar, and in year 5. She has never had the equivalent award. Her behaviour and attitude is wonderful and she is meeting academic expectations for her age. She is just an all round pleasant kid. To complicate it, her brother has ASD and is challenging. He has had so many awards for eg sitting on the carpet, coming into school with a positive attitude. DD gets it, has never complained.

Had parents evening this week and after the teacher waxed lyrical about how lovely she was, I asked whether she would get an award. Explained that her hard work hasn't been recognised in the way that matters to the kids. It was taken on board, and she got one today. She was absolutely over the moon and we've taken photos to send to all the grandparents.

I really recommend speaking up because I think sometimes schools use these things as a tool and don't realise the effect that having these awards, or not having them, has on the kids. It means so much to them.

She's average, OP. That never gets noticed in bigger contexts. If she's quietly got on with things all year without fanfare, and some previously feral child has visibly improved, that gets noticed above a straight line of fine. You just need to big up her fabulousness at home.

DD told me when she was 5 that stickers were just for the naughty children.

I agree with pp that while some kids will find it easier to follow the school rules, it doesn’t mean that it takes them no effort so shouldn’t be recognised. They are often the ones who don’t flag that small crap which often makes it a little easier for the adults in charge.

Just because school take her effort for granted, doesn’t mean that you can’t reward her for being a star. Her hard work will pay off one day

Same. It's really quite soul destroying.

I can totally understand why it would be disappointing for her.

Our school is pretty good I think. Each class has a couple of children who get singled out for special praise in the weekly newsletter and in assembly on Fridays. Sometimes it's for good academic work, sometimes for showing kindness or empathy or resilience and sometimes for improved behaviour and attitude. So everyone gets a chance as they do pick from long-term good behaviour as well as improvements or just elements of good character.

My child is autistic and well behaved which is a huge problem. Bottom of the senco's pile.

I agree and it's similar in secondary where the kids whose behaviour is poor are given much more latitude than the quiet well behaved ones.

There's children demanding to be let out of lesson, able to arrive late without consequence, don't do homework, suck up all the teachers time and attention getting them on track but the other 28 kids in the lesson are just quietly getting on with it.

Thanks Everyone! Feeling a little less upset over it all and DD is happily drawing strange fish 🤷‍♀️ Anyway, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the concept of trying to motivate those that struggle, more that I think schools forget that kids like DD also needs to feel motivated. I think I’m even more frustrated knowing that my older two got rewarded often due to being very academically able. Older DD especially as on G&T register. It’s as if in order to get noticed you need to be either very able ir very naughty. 😏

Have I read it right that the certificate only gets given out every other month? So only six a year for the whole school? There’s going to be a LOT of children who don’t get one. That seems really bizzare that they give certificates out so infrequently, the school needs to do something about that! I know I’m missing the main point here with this, but that’s absolutely baffled me.

I've been on both sides... one child who seemed to win everything, then the overlooked one. DD1 thinks its unfair that her sister never gets anything even though she tries hard. DD2 thinks she just isn't good enough. The awards have been brilliant for DD1s self esteem and destroyed DD2s (and this is at Secondary!)

To put it into context... DD2 is Yr7 and already recieving "GCSE pass levels" in several subjects. She is smart. She's also the kid who would lose her head if it wasn't screwed on so gets "strikes" for forgotten equipment and homework.

No, there’s weekly certificates too, DD last got one in September of Y3. It’s now end of June Y5. It was just that she had convinced herself that if she did her very best all year this year, she’d maybe get a HT award. It’s 6 a year per class not whole school. They are highly coveted.

There was a great thread a few years back where a y3/4 kid started acting up completely out of character, when asked why he told the teacher so in a month or so i can go back to and get the HT award.

I agree with you, op, it's very unfair. It's rewarding bad behaviour and trying to bribe badly behaved children. It does nobody any good.

At my DD’s primary school there was a “motivational” award which was awarded every week to one kid in the class. It quite obviously just shuffled round all of them, even though the idea was that they were meant to have done something great that week. My DD used to get very upset that she hardly ever got it, despite being a model student. Some of the worst behaved students would get it just for sneezing nicely that week 😆 But she took it very much to heart.

One year they forgot her entirely, and she waited all year for her turn to come, and then ended the last week in tears believing that she’d been deliberately left out and the teachers hated her. At that point I had to let her in on the secret - that it was just a behaviour reward tool, and not actually a merit award at all. She finally understood, but was quite disillusioned by the whole thing; and really, it’s not really fair or the right message to take these things to extremes where children who are well behaved and try hard think they are disfavoured compared to little Tony who has only just managed to sit still that week. There has to be a bit of balance!

It’s always been the same. DD who has ADHD was a well behaved high achiever - she was always overlooked. DP and I sought to encourage her not to associate her worth with a piece of paper/sticker/star. We taught her that her worth was inside her - the glow she got when she did a great piece of work or persevered to understand and navigate social situations etc.

As long as she knows her family are proud of her and her achievements she’ll be ok. Academic achievement isn’t the be all and end all. Look to her hobbies etc for positive reinforcement as well.