To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

[CathyBlowsBubbles]

DD (10) is not as academic as either her older sister or her older brother (14&11). She’s a lovely child who isn’t struggling but is bang average. She’s never in trouble and tries her best.

All year, she’s been telling me how she was going to work really hard to get a HT’s award given every other month as she’s never got one. (Older sibs both got lots over the course of their primary school) She’s come home tonight in tears which is so rare for her. Naughty kid in her class got it for ‘making an improved effort to listen in class. Now I know that it’s about equity and that he should be rewarded for improving BUT, where’s her reward for calmly and quietly working her socks off all year? Why is that NEVER, EVER rewarded??? How come her older sibs were forever being rewarded for being super high achievers when it all came so easily to them yet she is never recognised.

She is in a class with a high proportion of kids with behavioural issues and right from Infants, any tiny weekly improvement has been seized on and rewarded. Doesn’t change anything. Behaviour is still poor. Kids are still hurting other kids and disrupting lessons. All TA attention and support is given to those kids too to enable the teacher to teach. How is that fair? How is it fair that the TA supports that group and the teacher ‘stretches’ the high achievers twice a week but the cohort in the middle (apart from one who’s disruptive) are just left to get on with it.

Why don’t they ever even say to us, ‘look, the class is too big, the teacher is frazzled, the TA is struggling too, your kid is no trouble so they just need to suck it up!’ They never say that. They never say, ‘we know this child has received rewards frequently over the part 6yrs without impact but we still need to try despite how demotivating it is to kids who try all year and get nothing in return.’ The system is completely broken when kids like my youngest child gets to the end of Y5 effectively unnoticed. My eldest was on their G&T register and somehow she didn’t go unnoticed! 🤨 I feel so angry on DD’s behalf. She’s never going to get the academic accolades that the older two get. AIBU to ask why can’t she be recognised for just being a good kid?

I hear you OP. My 3 children have never really been acknowledged either for just behaving and getting on with their work and it drives me mad. I remember when my now 18year old was in yr6 primary, they came home and said they were going to be naughty the next day. When I asked why they said well xxxx and xxxx are always naughty and they get put in the star room and get to play games on the computer while we work.

I work in a school now (not teaching though) and I try my damned hardest to make sure those 'average' kids know I've seen them and appreciate all the hard work they put in.

I remember being quite miffed in year 11, when I won a prize for “progress”. It drew attention to me not doing well before.

So sorry to hear this. It does sound like the OP is a good mum though and I'm sure she praises her child. But you're right that we shouldn't assume that children who are well-behaved have supportive parents. Again, I'm sorry for what you've been through 💐

We made it clear early on that school awards were a bunch of bullshit and they are rarely fair. My extremely well behaved and incredibly bright daughter went through primary school getting none at all until p7 when she got an “inspirational” award, because she happened to do everything whilst being disabled.

She’s in 5th year now and gets certificates but doesn’t even bother turning up to the ceremonies for them. She said herself, most of the awards are for improvement, and as she is a straight A student, she’ll never get one of those.

Don’t the school. Don’t be that parent, just manage her expectations from now on.

@Notyomama I think you’ve misunderstood what I’m saying. Of course being a high achiever is a massive advantage. My point is, it doesn’t reflect worth or even effort. DD1 has not worked harder than DD2. She just happens to be more academic. So why, with no other discernible difference in effort or behaviour, was DD1 praised and rewarded so much more than DD2?

My old school did a merit system

I think was like the good behaviour points system you'd get one for good behaviour or good work etc

I got two-the whole 5 years I was at that school

My face didn't fit,I was average at best,quiet and just plodded on with my head down

My bullies got one for not bullying that day the vandals for not putting through a window that week or the gobby ones for not disrupting a lesson that day

It's a shit system

Thank you, that's kind of you - I didn't mean to make the thread about myself, I just wanted to highlight that very often the children getting hell at home don't say boo to a goose in school, we're don't all act out as a result of it. I didn't realise I had any abilities or skills either until way, way after school - maybe a bit of recognition could have changed the smallest thing for me. Luckily my daughter has a very different life to the one I had and has involved parents who love her hard.

The OP does sound like a good mum and I'm right there with her in the sheer indignation for her daughter. There's such a wide scope of experience in school, especially primary school, and the failure to recognise that in reality despite them mouthing the words is just sad for the children.

Because if the awards were publicly framed that way then they wouldn't offer the support to the kids that need it! That's why I think it's a good idea to have those conversations yourself with your dc, that's what I did with mine, who also never got awards.

My DDs school had a good system where each child has a strip of card and every time they do well (at anything) a sticker gets added..once the card is full they go to the HT and get a HT award sticker to bring home. Really simple and allows everyone to be recognised lots of times a term.

They're just overwhelmed, OP. Like so so many services and it's not good enough you're right but it's noone in particulars fault. I actually don't like these awards anyway as they don't really show any long term impact overall.

I wouldnt mind if a parent sent me a quick message just to give me a heads up that she was upset.

I think this is really unpleasant.

Kids who struggle at school don't deserve to be called names by a grown adult.

I work with kids who've experienced trauma, it's really common, and I think if you understood the types of experiences some dc have, you wouldn't be so quick to judge them.

YANBU. It's such a terrible system & completely unfair.
id take her out for tea & let her know how proud you all are of her hard work. Let her know that you see the most amazing qualities in her & that she isn't unnoticed.

As a parent of middle ability kids, who has felt this and works in a school, I always like to recognise those kids that are just getting on and doing the right thing day after day. They are lovely kids and deserve recognition too.

Yanbu.
I got so sick of this with my dd. I wrote to the school and asked them what exactly did she need to do to get an award as we couldn’t understand the criteria they were going off. She got an award the next term. Perhaps it was because I said something- don’t really care. Dd didn’t know I wrote in. I was just glad she finally was recognised.

My son had figured out before he left reception that the children who got the rewards were the ones who were pretty much relentlessly naughty but occasionally behaved a bit better.

It doesn't exactly fill you with respect for the teacher when you can see how flawed the system is.

And I once made the stupid (half awake ) mistake of saying that I guess some of the children have difficult lives at home and thats why they misbehave. At which point (aged 8 by then) he pointed out that he was having a jaw droppingly difficult year because of stuff happening at home that school knew about, yet still not once was he rewarded for being the consistently good (that's not just his view, his school reports and parents evenings were always glowing feedback).

Systems that essentially reward bad behaviour are so flawed

We spend a lot of time reminding her of her worth. We praise her effort but also her very enviable personality traits too such as the fact that she’s calm and loving and always makes others feel better when they’re down etc. It’s my job to boast her self esteem and ensure she knows her worth. However, there’s no escaping the fact that she, personally, placed so much importance on this award and felt so crestfallen when? Yet again, she was overlooked.

I would get her to go to her teacher and say in a. really mature way 'Hi Mrs X, I am really pleased for (insert naughty classmate's name) for getting an award for his improved listening. Now I would also like to try for one of these awards. Please can you give me some pointers about what I need to do to work for one? Is there anything xtra I can do?

Teacher will be bowled over by her maturity and it will prove that she is different from the rest and doesn't hide behind mummy.
These awards tend to exist for the naughty kids so a well behaved average child goes unnoticed. And chances are it will make the teacher think.

I hear you. I have a very well behaved, quiet child. She’s extremely good at school academically but they don’t have awards for that. She is not sporty or artistic or good at drama. So she is just always in the background behaving and working hard and never gets a moment to shine.

I pointed all that out to the teacher nicely earlier this year and he made a real effort to highlight her project work ect… she is feeling a lot more confident.

You are not wrong @CathyBlowsBubbles .

We had a wonderful girl when my daughter was in Y2, who just started acting out...
Poor mom was crying in school one morning as she was at her wits end trying to figure out why her child had changed...
Transpired that only the children who acted up were noticed /rewarded, so she may as well too.
Teacher fixed that quickly.

DS coveted that award. He tried so hard. He got it once in Yr 3 for not making a fuss when another boy pulled his shorts and pants down in front of the class. I complained to the teacher and asked how she'd feel if she won an award for not making a fuss when someone stripped her naked in public for a laugh. her face was a picture. Silly cow.

I could have written your entire post. I have a very quiet, academic year 5 who prides herself on her work and good behaviour who has been consistently overlooked for her entire primary education. She works very hard, LOVES school but she's in a very 'difficult' class full of right little shits and is often sat with to them to set a good example. Her table usually gets held back for talking/fighting/not listening and it REALLY upsets her, while it doesn't bother the misbehaving kids in the slightest. She's has come home several times in tears for being 'punished' alongside them. They only have one TA, whose time is entirely taken up with these children, and the teacher is often distracted too while trying to manage the bad behaviour during lessons. And these kids are consistently the ones getting the special awards each week ("well done for not punching someone this week Zak!"), getting to go on special trips outside of school, getting given 'special jobs' and being praised by the teacher for actually doing their homework for once/managing to sit still for half an hour/not fighting with their mates at lunch. I don't give a toss if they need the 'encouragement', I'm absolutely sick of my child being overlooked for quietly getting on with her work day after day.

YANBU at all. Things haven't changed since the early 90s when I was at school, I remember coming home really upset and asking my Mam what the point of behaving well all the time was because the only kids who got rewarded were the naughty ones. I found it incredibly hard to sit still in class and be good, incredibly hard. But I did it every day and never got in to any trouble, my efforts went completely unnoticed and I still feel a bit bitter about it to be honest.

We do hot chocolate friday in my school for kids exactly like your dd op. Chosen children get to have a hot chocolat after assembly with the head. Support staff give out vouchers to the children who always make good choices which l think is great but l can totally see how your poor dd feels ignored.

This is not a new thing by any means a new thing. I started teaching in 1970, a fairly middle of the road northern school, a dozen or so poorly behaved children were taken out weekly for an afternoon at a water sports centre. One bright lad said to me They get taken out to the water sports centre and we're left here to paddle our own canoes! The feeling was that if you worked hard you were rewarded with more work..
When I stopped teaching 20 years ago the was already an awareness that there was a group who totally missed out on any special programmes, white, average to lower ability boys

This doesn’t apply to all primary schools- my sons primary school make every child in the class a superstar at some point over the year where they are celebrated for a day. He’s in yr 2 and they’ve done this every year so far. My son is very quiet stickler for the rules and easily unnoticed , he got a headteacher award recently for getting all his merits. Often comes home with random stickers or certificates which the whole class got for various reasons. It does seem like they try to praise and motivate all the children in the class equally. It’s sad to hear not all schools are like this. I’m not sure if it will all change in key stage 2 though