To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

[CathyBlowsBubbles]

DD (10) is not as academic as either her older sister or her older brother (14&11). She’s a lovely child who isn’t struggling but is bang average. She’s never in trouble and tries her best.

All year, she’s been telling me how she was going to work really hard to get a HT’s award given every other month as she’s never got one. (Older sibs both got lots over the course of their primary school) She’s come home tonight in tears which is so rare for her. Naughty kid in her class got it for ‘making an improved effort to listen in class. Now I know that it’s about equity and that he should be rewarded for improving BUT, where’s her reward for calmly and quietly working her socks off all year? Why is that NEVER, EVER rewarded??? How come her older sibs were forever being rewarded for being super high achievers when it all came so easily to them yet she is never recognised.

She is in a class with a high proportion of kids with behavioural issues and right from Infants, any tiny weekly improvement has been seized on and rewarded. Doesn’t change anything. Behaviour is still poor. Kids are still hurting other kids and disrupting lessons. All TA attention and support is given to those kids too to enable the teacher to teach. How is that fair? How is it fair that the TA supports that group and the teacher ‘stretches’ the high achievers twice a week but the cohort in the middle (apart from one who’s disruptive) are just left to get on with it.

Why don’t they ever even say to us, ‘look, the class is too big, the teacher is frazzled, the TA is struggling too, your kid is no trouble so they just need to suck it up!’ They never say that. They never say, ‘we know this child has received rewards frequently over the part 6yrs without impact but we still need to try despite how demotivating it is to kids who try all year and get nothing in return.’ The system is completely broken when kids like my youngest child gets to the end of Y5 effectively unnoticed. My eldest was on their G&T register and somehow she didn’t go unnoticed! 🤨 I feel so angry on DD’s behalf. She’s never going to get the academic accolades that the older two get. AIBU to ask why can’t she be recognised for just being a good kid?

That’s true and I agree completely about being less award-oriented in life. I was just sad to have to explain to DD that “Achiever of the week” wasn’t really just all about pure achievement, because when the scales fell from her eyes (as it were), she felt quite disillusioned that her teachers and the school had all performed a bit of a lie, as she saw it. She was a lot more sceptical about adults’ motives and her teachers’ good will in particular after that, which was sad to see.

My children totally understood that some kids had it harder than they did and that there was a system in place to help those kids. They could see it wasn't about lying, it was about encouraging children who didn't have encouragement elsewhere. It's an imperfect system in an imperfect world. I don't think that's necessarily a bad lesson to learn.

See this! They broke the mould and made it fairer.i love the dinner ladies nominating!! Dd2 adored her dinner ladies she would have thought that was truly a special award!

I know it sounds very preachy but I genuinely would prefer my children to work hard for the sake of it, even if there was never a single award, rather than working with the expectation of recognition. Working for recognition is a very slippery slope - I say this as a person who got bloody tons of recognition - so much so much so that I got allergic to it and gave up something I was talented at to get away from people's fawning.

Also, not all children who do ok to well at school have good home lives either. Those ones completely slip under the radar

I agree. My DS1 sounds exactly the same. In year 4 of Primary school he fell behind in maths and no-one noticed until the final year tests! His teacher actually said he thought he was fine because he was always attentive in class and was no trouble he thought he'd be ok! We just went to his 6th form awards ceremony and he said the kids who got awards were the ones who spent the first term pissing about in class but have made an improvement! The thing is, that's great for them but for kids who are bang average or not academically gifted they have to work far harder to get good grades, and to do that they need to be able to sit through a class without some little shit being disruptive. They are the ones who's learning is most disrupted by the kids who mess around, and its through no fault of their own! It is far better in 6th form because he is actually getting individual attention- it's just the awards which are irritating.

DS was well behaved and completely ignored and struggled acadmically in early years of school then was average then did better but still wasn't really seen.

He seemed to get seen in Covid for a while least by some staff. His sisters both quiet seemed to get seen and praised. DS got best exam results - some best in his year in end and went on to college where he's been much happier.

I agree with you, it was the same when my average and well behaved child was at primary 17 years ago. He always moaned that the naughty kid got computer time just for sitting still at story time (just like the rest of the class) even though that same kid disrupted the class for the entire morning.
I get some kids find it harder to sit still at story time but it backfires in the end.. You end up with a class full of fed up children who end up not liking the disruptive child, and who can blame them really, so in the end they all miss out.

Yanbu and I think it's a sign of weak teaching to not find ways to praise and acknowledge the children that just get on with it week after week.

My DC's primary school ditched star of the week. It's so pointless!

It sounds like there are not enough prizes and it's being poorly organised.

It shouldn't be a zero sum game. Students do have different starting points, and rewards should reflect progress towards their goals - even if those goals are things that your child can already do. The whole class benefits when the most disruptive one manages to sit and listen a bit longer. But there should be enough rewards and recognition that the "wallflower children" get it too. If any child is going years between rewards while seeing others get them week after week, that is poor management.

Fully agree OP, we've had the same child year after year get it for the same reason. Same child often gets the weekly award, meanwhile my DD is always polite, helpful, kind and well behaved, every teacher has nothing but praise to say about how much of a lovely child she is and how she's eager to help out and please.

She works hard to just keep up and has struggled academically and we've just found out at age 10 because we pushed extremely hard for testing that DD is dyslexic.

So not only will she likely never win the behaviour award she's also never likely to win the high achievement awards either....oh and she's not sporty in the traditional sense so unlikely to win that either.

It's always been this way & it's shit for the silent majority who quietly get on with no fuss & cause no issues in the classroom.

I understand why they reward the 'challenging ' ones like this but it doesn't make it any easier for the kids who diligently turn up, behave & work hard quietly.

I never got anything at school to reward me nor did DC & it's isn't fair - but neither is life & it won't ever change.

I'm always quite amused when I see parents putting on FB about how brilliant their DC are at getting 'Star of The Week', particularly when you know they are a totally dysfunctional family. Yep, Stacey, little Alfie managed not to kick the TA this week then?

These awards have been used for years now, presumably now that everything is 'inclusive' and that excludes the well behaved middle they cant be blunt about DC. I do think it undermines teachers as well, the kids see through it/ resent it, parents become cynical about behaviour mis management.
I was invisible at school, particularly senior school, but at least we didn't have these awards to rub it in. and teachers who were in charge, not kids

I agree with you.
I remember the bully in my kids primary class used to get a medal if she managed to go a single day without bullying somebody. At the end of year six she got a special award for being a 'good friend to everyone' this was despite the fact two children had left the school because of her violent bullying.

She moved on to secondary and just continued the relentless bullying so it's not even as if all the sucking up to her the schools did anything to change her behavior. Does it ever I wonder?

In year 5 my daughter used to not be able to sleep Thursday night hoping she’d get star of the week on Friday, on Friday she would cone home and cry, every single week. This kid used to help the dinner ladies stack plates, go out of her way to be as polite and useful to every teacher she could and nothing…. She was also overlooked when it came to school ambassadors, play buddies, librarian, house caption etc while done kids had a whole jumper of silverware. Made me so mad they didn’t share these things around more.

I understand why they reward the 'challenging ' ones like this but it doesn't make it any easier for the kids who diligently turn up, behave & work hard quietly.

Does it actually make any difference though? I've never seen anyone stop being a bully or disruptive because they were given a certificate.

I used to work at my DDs secondary school. At the last awards assembly she again got nothing despite 100% attendance, 500+ positive behaviour points, zero negative behaviour points and predicted gcse grades of 6+ (because she works her arse off).

A kid who i personally witnessed taking drugs on school site and bullying several kids was given a reward for kindness.

My DDs key stage lead said I spoilt my daughter. I pointed out I reward good behaviour and effort. I felt one of us should as school wouldn't acknowledge her.

Give your daughter a hug, take her out for a treat for being amazing. She sounds bloody lovely and the exact kind of kid I loved working with.

There is actually a big shift away from this type of thing happening in education now. We have a recognition board for children who go above and beyond - in whatever that is for them. So the disruptive kid might get their name up for sitting quietly in story, resulting in all children being able to hear and enjoy. Another child it could be for having written 3 pages of story, another could get it for remembering full stops, another for being extra helpful ...and some, for constantly, constantly keeping on doing the right thing. The class chooses a small reward (eg pyjama day, trip to the park, afternoon break) to work towards and they earn it once every child in the class has their name up twice - or once a target number is reached if there are individuals who are going to find it really hard to get on at all or equally if there are children who wouldn'tbother trying once on the board twice. It's a collaborative approach and they encourage each other and tell me things they have noticed, which is lovely.

We also do points for individuals, which the children love because our system immediately notifies their parents. They get bronze, silver or gold certificates at the end of term, depending on their points. But all children get a certificate.

No, you're completely right. It happens in my daughter's school all the time. I think it's perfectly fine to reward children who are less academically able or who have behavioural issues by meeting them where they are but this shouldn't be at the expense of other children who go unnoticed. It doesn't need to be so restrictive. My daughter is like yours, same age, is a lovely, well-mannered, respectful, conscientious girl who works hard and behaves well and as a result flies completely under the radar. She has been upset about it a few times and one time I asked her if it made her feel like she wanted to try harder and she said 'I do try hard every day'. Absolutely broke my heart.

To make matters worse she's very capable academically and in one subject has been doing work for a year and two years ahead and that's only because we had to highlight - for the fifth time to this school - that she needed more challenging work in this subject. So she doesn't even get recognised for her hard work academically either.

I really try to get her to focus on how she feels about herself and her work but children are so sensitive in this way and they really do blossom with praise. It's a shame schools just don't practice what they preach.

I have two neuro diverse kids who can be very disruptive, we get HT awards weekly, aling with hundreds of stickers and certificates etc
.. the HT awards are basically used like sweeties, or carrots dangled to keep them on track and focussed. It does actually work. We have about 40 of the things stuck on their bedroom drawers.
I think it must be very unfair for the other kids to see all these awards being given out and obviously the kids dont know the context in which they are given.
I would speak to the class teacher, definitely discuss it. Your child should not be overlooked.

Tbh I don't really get it. Maybe because my two dc's primary gave out little "cards" for either good/improved behaviour or academic achievements. That way they could all "win" for different reasons. My DS2 didn't care so much. He's an intelligent and well-behaved boy and for him it was the praise at home that mattered. DS1 Asd with problematic behaviour (not violent but disturbing) and very slow learner was very happy to receive a card each time but he never understood why he got one "because the teacher was nice"🤣.
Anyway, @CathyBlowsBubbles , I think it's good that teachers praise children with "problems". Some might never get praise at home. I have always awarded good grades/efforts for my children so they don't need the teacher for that.

I've got one of these. Every week a star of the week certificate is given out and in previous years all the class have got one at some point in the year.

This year she has been completely forgotten and is heartbroken about it. Every Friday she asks if she's likely to get the certificate in assembly and I have to reassure her that she's special regardless.

Her confidence in general has plummeted this year and in part it's because of crap like this. Thankfully she does some extra curriculars where they celebrate every child which has helped a bit.

I would feel the same as you OP, it can be demotivating for a child regardless how much praise you give them at home. They are with their peers most of the week and it’s nice to get recognised from time to time by their teacher/ TA who they probably look up to.

Isn't there an assumption there though that the middle of the road child does get praise at home? I was an average child, quiet, never in trouble, never excelled at anything but worked fairly consistently, and was never once recognised for anything, and I mean never once. I was never praised or encouraged at home either, I was in fact living in an abusive hell.

I ended up being quite resilient and I enjoy things for their own sake but I'm quite sad for the child I was that I never got to have that wee buzz of just being recognised for being a worthwhile human.