WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

You said to him: "I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” "
Therefore you effectively gave him permission to go.
A different mother might have said: "You do realise our DD is so ill she might not even be here when you get back if you go."
It is no use using indirect or jokey language if you do not say what you mean, especially when it involves an ED in a 12 year old.

Was he going for Shittest Dad of the Year? That is absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part. I would never forgive this as his wife or his daughter.

Oh, I totally agree! But he would see it as a choice, and chose. I would be fuming too, but as someone dealing with autism on a regular basis, I wouldn't have offered a choice. This outcome was always a strong possibility.

Having been in exactly the same scenario with my DD when she was slightly older - I don’t know if I could forgive my DH for this. I have never been more scared than when she is in the total grips of her ED.

Your DH should not have even mentioned glastonbury let alone gone - he should be at home with your 16yo (that he would have left overnight if your DD had stayed another night in hospital and his brother had stayed at his GF’s) - cooking, cleaning, sorting stuff out.

How fucking self centred and selfish - I am furious on your behalf. Please follow up on what you started last year and leave him - I cannot believe he has prioritised glastonbury over his family. What a prize twat!!

Lollllllll.

Of course. OP - you are a woman, you must know that at some point- at any point- you will be held to blame for the shitty behaviour of men over which you have no control 😂😂😂.

Anyway….. Obviously YANBU OP xxxx

Please tell dd that this is no reflection on her, she doen't deserve a father who would do this, and she is an important and valuable person.

Wishing you both all the best OP.

A responsible parent doesn’t seek permission to abdicate their responsibility and bugger off to party for a weekend. He isn’t one of the kids in the house, he should bloody well know what the right thing to do is when your child is in hospital.

OP I feel so angry on your behalf; what a huge load you are carrying on your shoulders. What comes across, loud and clear, in your responses is that you are a fantastic mum that is 100% there for her children.

As for your husband, he is weak and this behaviour is pathetic. He asked you if he could go because he wanted you to take the blame for the answer. Regardless of whether you said stay or go, he would blame it on you.

I don’t know where you go from here but he needs a mirror holding up to his behaviour.

Might be complicated by the OP thinking he has autism. Some people with autism can be very literal in how they understand things.

Unfortunate you might need professional advice on what to do from here on in so as not to harm your dd's recovery

I can understand that autism might mean you don't pick up on sarcasm and nuance and may take things literally, at face value.

I don't understand why it would mean you don't realise that you don't bugger off to a festival when your child is in hospital and seriously ill. Why you would care so little about your child that you'd want to.

In fact, he did realise this. That's why he asked OP... to manipulate her into saying he could go because she didn't want to be the bad guy and putting the burden on her to actively forbid it. Why ask if you're sure it's OK?

Is that kind of emotional manipulation an autistic trait?

I would be miffed too.

However my ds is autistic and I know if I said “go if you want” he’d go as he’d hear the words and not read any emotion etc.

People do have varying degrees of empathy and some people will see something chronic as repetitive as less of an emergency. That doesn’t make what he’s done right I’m just explaining why he may have reacted as he did.

I think when he gets home you need to have a good chat with him and then decide if you can continue in this marriage or not.

As an aside if you suspect autism in DH have they explored it with DD too? Many girls forts show signs through things such as ED as they can mask better but find control of their environment in different ways.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging Of course, he shouldn't have gone, but to be honest, you TOLD him to go, especially as you know he sees things in black and white and finds it difficult to empathise with things which is why I have said YABU.

It would have been better if you had agreed that he couldn't go because you needed him at home for the reasons you said in your OP, when he basically asked if that meant he couldn't go. I understand that you find it tiring and annoying that he is the way he is, but sometimes, we need to deal with things the way they are and not the way we would like them to be, in order to achieve the desired outcome?

My DH frequently doesn't see some things that need done, so I have to ask. But once asked he will always do them. It does annoy me that I have to ask, especially after more than 30 years of marriage but that annoys me much less than doing everything myself. He genuinely doesn't 'see' things. Generally speaking, we do spend about 50% each equally, doing the things that need to be done.

Where is your anger op?
I would be packing his bloody bags in bin liners and he would never be welcome back. Your poor dd is being massively let down by her so called ‘father’

It would be game over.

She should ask him that!

Don't let this fact sway you though going forward. There's no way my DH would have gone anywhere under these circumstances no matter I had told him to go.

The fact that he hasn't been available on the phone is a massive massive issue too.

Who goes to Glasto when their kid is in hospital anyway and when they do go, doesn't even make sure they are 100% available Christ on a bike, I would be reconsidering everything after this all gets settled.

He's fully aware that his child is in hospital, and he doesn't care.

I guess my question is why do you think he is autistic? Like what does he do/not do, say/not say that makes you think he is autistic? I mean autism varies hugely, but

• lack of empathy
• lack of understanding of someone else's view point
• taking things literally

are all very strong traits I have seen in some of the people I worked with. "go if you want" would literally mean "If you want to go, I really don't mind you going". Maybe in your husband, this isn't the case, but maybe it could be. I would certainly not say that to an autistic person unless I meant it.

His not too possibly autistic to follow rules is he, for everyone saying black and white.

Black and white. I have no ticket so I cannot get in. Not well I will try and chest my way in.

Black and white he knew he shouldn’t go that’s why he was seeking permission.

Cant miss work until he wants to.

Rather than possibly being autistic he is more likely a selfish arsehole who’s worn his wife down over the years with his very literal outlook when it suits him.

Ops scared of being a nag that’s not a black and white thinker that’s yet again another man who cnba till his wife has had to ask one million times. Doesn’t sound like anyone with autism I know. Rules and lists.

Has he actually realised how serious this ED has become, or is he dismissive and impatient of it?

Well that's a really fucking unhelpful and downright unnecessary post. Kick the OP while she's down, why don't you?

I don't suppose she realised he was going to become an uncaring selfish bastard towards their dc when she married him, did she?

"I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo."

But it DOES make a difference! It may not change your daughter's medical status, but it would support you supporting her. It would share the load. It might even make HIS daughter believe he cares. It makes a difference!

"I guess im used to him doing what he wants. I don’t want to nag him bc that fulfils his expectation of me and quite honestly im not bothered that he’s not here, im just sad that he thinks it’s ok and that he’s just been pretending to have changed when he really hasn’t.
Last year I just kind of stopped caring any more and wanted to leave him but he talked me round and it all seemed too difficult to actually leave. I just don’t let stuff bother me any more and have become kind of numb bc then I can’t be disappointed."
Your marriage is in a very sad state. TBH, it's a marriage in name only, now. He 'talked you round' - why? He doesn't want to look after you and your/his children, he wants to do his own thing. Does he regard you as his wife, or as his domestic appliance (“I don’t want chippy”)? Is that what you are to him - housekeeper and childminder?

Being numb is not healthy for you. I can understand you putting the work of divorcing him on the back burner for now, you have more immediate matters to deal with, you could do without having your headspace divided. But this is not a healthy supportive marriage, this is a drain on your energies. When DD is in a better space, turn some of your remaining energies to your long-term future - and get rid of this weight dragging you down.

((hug))

Has anyone mentioned how your daughter will feel in all this? She is already vulnerable and emotionally sensitive. She is in a very difficult time. Her dad, rather than giving two hoots or showing any basic concern for her, has rushed off to a festival where he likely won’t be contactable for the majority of the time he’s away.

This would be unforgivable for me. If I was your daughter I would be incredibly hurt by this. As his wife you’re equally entitled to feel abandoned in a time of family crisis.

It doesn’t matter if you told him to go. If you hadn’t he would have blamed you for being a “nag” or saying he “isn’t allowed” ! You gave him full free will and he used that free will to run out the back door without a second thought to you, his son home alone, or his daughter in hospital.

He’d be coming home to packed bags if it were me.

When he finally does text you should reply in a panic saying that you’ve gone away for the weekend and had assumed he was home with the kids…

Op, I suspect your husband thought you were giving him the go ahead to go to Glastonbury, so he did. Not that he needed much encouragement though.

You’ve said you suspect he’s on the spectrum but you then say you expected him to behave like a normal human being and not go. It cant be both and you have to either start looking at the things he does from the autism perspective, or you decide that until he has a diagnosis you will only consider him to be NT.

Would I be hurt if my husband did what yours has done? Yes. Even though I also suspect my husband is Autistic. Id be hurt (and angry) because I’d have expected him to have learned at some stage over the years that certain things aren’t acceptable and a child in hospital trumps everything else - even though I’d grudgingly told him to go or decide himself if he thinks it’s on to go,

And apologising for things you’ve said on the thread? I wouldn’t be apologising for anything else, and not just because as soon as autism is mentioned there are those who’ll pick posts apart to find fault with them, and today it’s empathy. You see, the thing with empathy is that for a very long time a lack of empathy was considered to be a set in stone characteristic of autism but as time’s gone on we now know that there are those on the spectrum who do experience degrees of empathy just as there are those who don’t. And we also know that even those who do experience degrees of empathy may not show it in the conventional sense. But back to apologising for things you’ve said - don’t. You werent wrong to say what you did, and yes people who aren’t empathetic can come across as uncaring. But then those who jump on posters in their rush to challenge things said, aren’t really wrong in what they said either - they just need to have a wee think about how they say it and understand it’s easier to catch flies with cider than vinegar.

I wish you and your family well. You must be worried sick about your girl and I hope life is easier for her, for all of you, very soon. 💐

My heart goes out to you, OP. To have a 12 year old going through an eating disorder is so hard, and then an unsupportive partner on top of that. I can’t even get my head around how he would enjoy himself at a festival when his daughter is in hospital.
Any decent man would be holding the fort at home with the two teenage boys - and looking after YOU so that you can look after your DD.
Im sorry to say this but your husband sounds a bit tragic whereas you sound like a fantastic mum and human. Keep going and to hell with whatever idiocy he’s engaged in.