WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

Your husband is a knob.

You dont need to make excuses for his terrible behaviour.

I hope your daughter gets better soon

If he sees things back and white and you told him to go I think he probably is blissfully unaware op. You need to communicate clearly but obviously have more important things to worry about. Unfortunately he cannot be someone he is not. And that is when you need to decide to sit in the regular disappointment or make a change.

I had an ex like this. Used to like making me the bad guy by asking ‘can I’ to things most people would know were ridiculous. I hated it and most of the time said it was fine because I couldn’t face saying no.

The thing that ended that relationship, I had surgery and he asked if we could babysit his nephew, I for once got the courage to say no, I wasn’t up for it. He said yes anyway and that the child would “stay downstairs”… of course the child didn’t (despite me hiding in my bedroom). That was the final straw for me. Maybe this is yours.

Sounds very similar to my dh - who had football tickets and a day out with his mates, the day after my kids were in a big accident. One needed surgery , the other close monitoring- all I heard about waiting for one dc to come out of theatre was how he couldn't believe he had to miss his catch up and that maybe he could still go!

This. He obviously took you literally. You may have been jokey but it's not a joke is it - it's serious, If you didn't want him to go it would have been clearer to just say that.

you may have said he can go, that doesn’t mean he should go. Saying he can’t go is controlling. You want him to make the sensible choice, not, not go because you said so.

he’s a fucking knob. I know you’ve only given us his highlight reel so we aren’t seeing the endearing bits. I’d be done

hmm - as you’re very aware caring for a child under CAMHS is incredibly stressful. If he had tickets booked and paid, had had an adult conversation with you about how tough he was finding it, and needed a break (and offers you the chance to get a few days away!) AND you agreed, I’d say it’s fine.

However, fucking off with no tickets and without actually telling you is not the one. I’d be completely furious in that scenario.

I don’t understand the replies / excuses that say - ‘You shouldn’t even have jokingly said to go if you didn’t mean it’

The question should NEVER have been asked by him in the first place.

Honestly OP, I hope you’re daughter gets through this and you all go on to build a nice life without this prick.

Yep. OP's dh is a prick. Marriage means you share the load. But, jeezus why wouldn't you want to be with your family? Is ds okay with dsis in hospital? What is he being taught now? Sis in hospital, mum cares for her, dad goes on mini vacay. So much to unpack in this one.

Absolutely spot on reply @Alonebutmarried . WT actual F??

Good point re choice and consequence.

I really hope he has a long distance to travel to get there as the chances while not completely impossible are highly improbable of getting in.

I hope you gain more of an understanding of autism for supporting your daughter.

"Ah yes, the old 'most men are rubbish' routine. How original."
Honestly, I get it — we've all encountered a few walking red flags who think basic decency is a personality trait. But most men? Come on. That's like saying, “It’s exhausting learning how awful most women are,” just because you’ve had a few rows at the school gates or been ghosted by a flaky friend named Karen.
Let’s not turn “men can be disappointing” into “all men are irredeemable bin fires.” Some of us are raising sons, married to good ones, or working alongside brilliant male colleagues who aren’t out here plotting how to be Grade-A disappointments.
It’s fine — even healthy — to vent. Lord knows the group chats have heard it all. But painting half the population with the same grumpy brush just feeds the same lazy stereotypes we complain about when they're aimed at us.
Maybe instead of exhausting yourself writing off all men, take a breather and remember that generalisations are usually the real enemy. Right after damp towels on the bed.

What an absolute bastard. This is teaching your kids what relationships are. Time to LTB

How does he plan to explain, ‘ I went to Glastonbury’ to his ill daughter on his return?

Sounds more like narcissism or being "emotionally unavailable" to me.

OP
No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. In fact, you sound a lot calmer and more composed than many of us would be in your shoes. I think I’d have combusted and spontaneously set fire to his bloody tent.
Let’s just take a moment here:
Your 12-year-old daughter is in hospital with a serious eating disorder, you’re stressed to your limit, sleep-deprived, managing CAMHS, ward reviews, and glucose levels—and this man... this man... buggers off to Glastonbury on a wing and a prayer without a ticket?! And doesn’t even text to say “how is she doing?” or “are you OK?”
I know you say you’re not angry, but I’m angry for you. I’m full Mumsnet rage-simmering on your behalf.
Let’s call a spade a spade:
He's not a monster.
He’s not evil.
But he’s being wildly, mind-numbingly selfish, and frankly a bit emotionally negligent here.
Even if he’s neurodivergent (and let’s acknowledge that if he is, it could explain some things—but not excuse everything), he still has a choice to ask himself “is this a good time for a jolly in a field?” And if he genuinely thought this wouldn’t affect you or DD? Well, then he's either deluded or living in a parallel universe where Glastonbury is a need, not a want.
And the “it’s on your conscience” thing? I’ve said that line myself before in that half-jokey-half-desperately-hoping-they’ll-do-the-decent-thing tone. That wasn’t a green light. That was a giant red flag saying: “I need you to show me you care. Please don’t make me spell it out.”
And he completely missed it.
Also? Your anniversary?
OUCH.
That just adds insult to injury. Unless he’s bringing home Beyoncé, a pony, and the meaning of life in a rucksack, he’s not coming back from this weekend looking good.
Look, only you know the full picture of your relationship and whether this is a blip or a pattern—but from the outside, it really does look like the “new leaf” he supposedly turned over last year has fluttered off in the wind with his common sense.
You deserve:
A co-parent who’s present when the going gets tough
A partner who thinks, “I’d rather be there for my daughter than possibly sneak into a festival”
And most importantly, someone who actually communicates.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re clearly doing your utmost for your DD, and holding it all together under pressure that would flatten most people. Be kind to yourself. Vent here as much as you need. And maybe, just maybe, have a long, hard think about what “changed man” means—and whether the bar has been set way too low.

What’s more important to him than his child is being out and carefree
If he was concerned he’d be with your child not fucking about in the mud

I don’t think your DC will think much of her DF once she realises he prioritised the festival for her wellbeing.
Hope she gets better soon.
As for her DF…. it’s decision time for you to see how you want to proceed. As he has form for this type of behaviour it may be awkward to call him out.
Personally, this would be a huge issue for me.

This would be absolutely unforgivable to me personally.

Would you have gone? Neither I or my husband would have out a festival over being around at a time like you’re having -

Surely what it comes down to is he doesn't care about anyone other than himself?

Not there to support you, doesn't care about what is going on with his daughter, just fucks off without clearly telling his 16yr old where he is going.

So he would only have cared about his daughter if OP had told him to

Yes, he could easily have chosen to stay at home with his 16 year old DS, picked up the phone when his wife called so he’d have known his daughter was coming home, maybe popped out to get some groceries/safe foods for her (although most likely he doesn’t even know what they are) and been there when they got home to give his little girl a cuddle and his wife a kiss and ask for a debrief.

Instead he chose to leave his 16yo DS alone for an unspecified amount of time and fuck off to an event he doesn’t even have a ticket for, without even knowing how his hospitalised daughter is.

I would be divorcing that cunt before he gets back from Glasto.