WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I really don't like this. Her DH is grown adult, parent to a DD who is very ill. He shouldn't have asked if he could go. He should have worked out for himself that he needed to be home to support OP and his daughter. OP told him to decide for himself like a grown up. It is not her fault her DH went. The number of supposedly grown men on here who do something totally shitty and then say "Well she told me I could decide" is mind blowing.

He sounds like a dickhead - thoughtless and useless. I don’t think I could come back from this to be honest.

I hope he can’t get in!

I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

If you didn’t think he should go you needed to say so clearly. If he does have autistic he would easily have taken this to mean exactly what you said: go, if you want to. He did want to, so he went.

I have one of those.
You say he is unable to show emotion and empathy well I'm the one being assessed for ADHD and Autism yet my partner is the heartless one. He doesn't know how to be loving because of his past.
He'd rather be out doing his volunteer work or in community meetings than go for a day out with me and his toddler. So I completely understand.
I do sometimes feel like I'm being unreasonable so I do think that he should have time with friends if he wants to but he should also be there for his family, which is what most of our arguments are about.
The fact that he puts the community above his family.

Really sorry to hear about your daughter's admissions for a ED. When my daughter went through this a few years ago it was the most scary time for us, and we really had to pull together to support each other.
I guess that is my clumsy way of saying your daughter should be priority at present, not a potential trip to Glastonbury.

I'm so so sorry. I know what it is like. My family member had an ED. You are in survival mode right now, so it may not hit as hard now as it will down the line when you realise how very little support he has given you. I would 100% divorce him for it. I hope your DD recovers soon & gets all the help she needs.

If he has the nerve to tell you that you said he could go, then remind him that he’s a grown adult and that, short of physically restraining him, you couldn’t physically stop him from going. What you did was give him an opportunity to show what was more important to him; his family or a festival that he didn’t stand a chance of getting into. Tell him that you have no idea why he went to all the trouble of convincing you to stay, or why you agreed to it, because he adds nothing to your life or the lives of your DC.

And the next time he’s claiming that you’re all jealous of his youth, tell him you’re not jealous; you think he’s a dickhead.

he's obviously a bit of a twat but you knew that, and you suspect he is autistic?

And didn't use clear language? Tbh i don't think you can complain really.

In future use clear language, Hopefully it will be "i want a divorce, when are you moving out?"

Sorry OP you should be angry IMHO and he’s not a good Dad… no amount of good qualities can make up for this behaviour. I’m sure it’d be easier for you as a single parent. I know this is easy for me to say but that’s my objective opinion. Best wishes to you all

Well said!

he was too busy to pick you uip from an operation?

why did you stay op i know your dc isnt well but this isnt a loving man

and he wont get in you cant without a ticket and im sure they give wristbandds and check them to make sure noones in there who shouldnt be

It's absolutely crap that he's gone and left you dealing with the hospital and all the children alone. Of course he's an adult and should realise it's not an appropriate time to go.

But - I do think you could communicate better and actually say that you didn't want him to go and list the reasons why. As he will say 'well I asked and you didn't tell me not to go'

Well said

Many years ago my child was knocked over while crossing the road. Mercifully they were not badly hurt but were of course very shocked and upset. I am divorced from their father but of course I told him and he came round to see our child. As he left he promised to call in again the following week but guess what he never did due to being "too busy" . Many years have passed but my child has never forgotten that their dad basically did not give a toss about what they had been through. It will be the same for OP's daughter but she will remember that her mum was the parent who put her first and was there for her physically and emotionally

The OP's husband doesn't have a diagnosis of autism.

Given that there is often an unfortunate tendency to conflate autism with being an arsehole, the odds are that the OP's husband is in fact simply an arsehole.

I'd be furious and it would be over.

My son had a lengthy hospital stay and if DH wasn't at the hospital, he was working. It wouldn't have occurred to him to fuck off anywhere.

OP - my stbxh is having an operation tomorrow. I'll go and collect him from hospital, because we are all in the same house currently and I'm not a dick

Also, regardless of what you did and didnt say, remember that your daughter is seeing that she doesnt matter enough for her dad to be there when she comes home from hospital....is this what you want to teach her about how men?

Time for a serious think

*about men

I agree with this.

He has really let your DD down, and tbh the rest of the family. Even if he "can't do much" which is arguably true at the minute, silent support and presence is everything.

Your DD knows that she might end up in hospital. For dad to have gone away when there is a potential crisis hanging over you all is appalling.

He's not autistic, he's a fucking arsehole.

It's not the potential ASD, it's the male entitlement that made him ask, the asking highlights that he knows on some level that he should stay and support his family but he doesn't want to because there's nothing in it for him.
He asked because he knows op will say something flippant because over many previous similar circumstances op has said no and his behaviour after has been so horrendous it's easier for op to say "go if you want to" he has trained her, he has worn her down.

This man doesn't care about you, he would have picked you up from your operation if he did, love is action, love is behaviour.
He doesn't care about his children, he would be with you now if he did.

This man has his life, or the things in life he doesn't want to do or thinks he's above doing facilitated by you, you're his trusty domestic appliance he doesn't want to lose because his life will be harder and he doesn't want to look for, convince and train another one if he can help it.

Have a good think op, does he make your life better in any way, does he make your life easier in any way, or does he just take and take and take?

Freedom of choice does not equate to freedom from consequence. As an adult who can hold down a job he will understand that, regardless of any potential ASD diagnosis. To pretend otherwise does everyone involved a disservice.

So he's just an arse - bad husand and father.

Why are you stopping with him would be my next question - is life easier with him or without? Does he make you happy improve your life - if not I'd got back to plan to leave him TBH.

When I was 13 I fractured my wrist and after I'd been seen in A&E and strapped up, given a sling etc. my father left me there and told me I could get a bus home, on a Sunday, because he was going out with his mates. So I had a long walk to the bus stop (in pain) then waited ages for a bus (Sunday service) then a long walk from the bus stop home.

He was immature and selfish - always - never changed. Some parents are like this and you can make all the fuss you like but it won't make any difference. You either tolerate it or you leave.

He really sounds narcissistic to me. It’s beyond selfish and just horrible. I’d hate forever for it.

Christ. That’s harsh. Sorry that happened to you (although I suspect it’s one example among many).