WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I'm sorry your husband is a moron and your daughter gets well soon. What is ob. and ED?

Unbelievable!

I'd be texting him you are absolutely done with yet another total fail on his part to think about what is reasonable here without you spelling it out for him and you're done. Tell him you're packing his shit up and it will be outside for him when he gets home from Glastonbury.

I have an autistic DD.

If anyone had said to her that she could go to Glastonbury if she wanted to, even in those circumstances, she would certainly have been in grave danger of taking it literally. She doesn't really get irony or sarcasm very well and they do confuse her. We have to be quite direct and clear about what we want her to do or what is required, not say the opposite and expect her to get that. She doesn't, and it usually confuses her. She has been known to come and ask me what is meant or required, which is good I guess.

If you suspect he might be autistic then it would be better to say exactly what you require of him.

That said, if course he shouldn't have gone to Glastonbury while his daughter was so ill. He's still an arse.

Don't have him back. He's made his decision.

Because he knows he shouldn't and it was a guilt trip. He knew it would be hard for OP to give a firm no, so this way he can go and then blame her for, in his eyes, telling him he could if she says anything about it. It puts the burden on her instead of him.

Absolute dick.

Good grief. I'm lost for words.

My DD’s father would do something like this and that’s why he is an ex. I would just get rid honestly he will never show up for you.

I had wisdom teeth out was under sedation when she was a baby and was told not to be alone with my child. He pissed off to a party in my head that was the end but limped on for a little while longer. Pathetic bastards.

Haha, haven’t heard moron for years!

Obs is observations as in heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels etc and ED is eating disorder.

Ive unfortunately had to become conversant in these terms the last few weeks.

You suspect he is autistic and told him you didn’t mind if he went .. he took you at your word …

OK @Hopetheportaloosareminging he sounds a real twat and has obviously chosen to take you at face value regarding you giving him ‘permission’ to go.

However, it sounds as if your DD has been unwell for a long time and that can cause real fractures in a family. Has his behaviour worsened as you have had to focus more and more on her needs? That’s NOT a criticism but it happens a lot that other family members can feel sidelined and not important. Have you had any family therapy?

Wishing you well and wishing him a mortifying embarrassment as he gets turned away with all these places other idiot chancers.

This is so mumsnet you couldn't get any more mumsnet. It's the epitome of mumsnet.
Have a pat on the back for being such a wonderful example to the OP. I'm sure she'll make better choices now, just like your good self. Great advice.

Have you still not heard from him OP?

I'd be sending a pretty nasty message in your situation letting him know you're sick of living with a selfish twat and he needn't bother coming back.

You've got a poorly daughter to deal with. You could really do without having to parent a grown man too.

If he’s autistic, it’s not that he’s unthinking nor unempathetic. He commented that he couldn’t go and asked you if he should. Your mistake was to give a jokey/sarcastic answer - as an autistic perdson doesn’t have theory of mind. He will have taken your answer literally, i.e. as giving him permission…

You need to get a diagnosis and if it confirms, then you need to see a relationship counsellor who can guide you on how to communicate with each other. In fact, i’d say it is essential as a) your relationship dynamic may be part of the context for why your DD has an ED and b) autism and EDs/ARFID are comorbid, so there is a chance your DD is also on the spectrum so I’d enquire with CAMHS as to whether she can be assessed as it could change/shape the approach to her treatment.

(For context: My mum, 2 sisters and myself, are all ASD/ADHD and all had EDs. My mum died as a result, but not until her mid fifties).

You poor woman.
What a complete loser.
Don't think your children don't know it too.

I would no more do a single thing for him again.
I would also be very clear to family and friends on what a waster he is.

Secrecy protects him.
Autism has nothing to do this this level of selfishness.

He's an arsehole, shit husband and shit father first and foremost.

Your poor children.

Lots of men are shit dads. Like a seriously high proportion. That's on them, not on the women who end up co-parenting with them. They get away with it because society gives them a free pass rather than making them step up.

YANBU OP, he is unforgivably shit. Putting aside long-term plans, I wish your DD the best and hope she's on the mend soon. Personally in your situation I'd be booking a trip away just you and the DC as soon as she's a bit better and tell your "DH" (finger up behind his back), "Oh I guess I just forgot to include you, fuckhead."

It is bad of him not to think of, at least, giving you a hand. Or going to visit his daughter? I mean, your DD must be feeling really neglected by him if he does not even call. But if my partner ever effing dare to leave a child of mine, a teen, on their own at home, without telling me, hell would break loose. Did he even bother to check that his child had food? And did he tell him he was leaving him alone? What about if you had to spend the night with your daughter? Can your teen boy cook for himself? Does he need a lift to school?

If he’s autistic he may well have taken that very literally. If you didn’t want him to go, you should have said ‘No, don’t go, because our daughter is unwell in hospital and it’s not OK to go off on a lads’ weekend when your child is sufficiently ill to be hospitalised.”

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a horrible uncaring prick - and that’s unrelated to his autism - but you definitely can’t rely on nuance and social cues with him.

I have supported my child for months during inpatient treatment in a paeds ward. I don't need lecturing what it's like.

Afraid I would be texting him and telling him to come home, then I would read the riot act, you have two kids, one of whom is ill, you need support not him pissing of to a festival

So he was told :
"I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!”

And he is also known to see things in black & white......

I couldn't be with any man who didn't love his kid enough to stay nearby when they were very ill. If my child is ill I absolutely have to be there, I'd walk through walls to get to him. Your DH doesn't seem arsed either way. Bin him.

I'm so sorry op. I've been where you are with a dd in and out of hospitals, ng tube, sectioned etc due to an ed. My dd is an adult now and recovered. I remember how helpful it was to hold on to others stories of recovery 💐

She doesn't know he is autistic.

She simply thinks there's a small chance he could be because he lacks empathy, which is not part of the diagnostic criteria for autism.

He is simply an emotionally unavailable, immature, selfish wanker and it doesn't need pathologising.

His behaviour doesn't need excusing just because the OP has been trying to justify reasons to herself for his shite behaviour, lack of partnership, lack of concern for his child, narcissism, and manipulation.

The fact of the matter is his behaviour shows a pattern of utter disregard for anyone except himself and he should have no seat at this table.

Stop holding women accountable for men's failures. This is not on op it's on her feckless partner. His behaviour is not her responsibility and should not be treated as such. Obviously people change over time and there's whole parts to people that we only find out when you're together a long time or other responsibility like kids or changes in employment or illness crop up. You are ALWAYS learning who your partner is because they are always changing.

Op I think I'd be pushing for him to get assessed and I'd be telling him more expressly what you need - most autistic people do really well with clear parameters so telling him that you don't mind if he goes when actually you do mind is probably going to be harder for someone whos autistic to navigate. That being said, it's also ok to recognise that you want a partner who can think about these things for themselves and you need to figure out if this is a can't vs a won't situation. Either he can't navigate that social cue, or he won't bother to. I think your response depends on that, along with what you're willing to work with in a relationship. I think there's a halfway point if he actually is autistic where you need to be more direct in your communication and expectation of him, and he needs to be stepping up in informing himself of what's needed in a partnership and how to be in a team.

You told this man that you think might be autistic to go to Glastonbury if he wants to. I don’t think you thought that through did you?