WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If I never left the house, only read Mumsnet and wasn't autistic myself I'd assume nearly all autistic people are twats. Here's another twatty man who doesn't give a single fuck about his family.

I do like live music, just not that keen on festivals. I went to Sonisphere twice in 2010/2011 but that was good because I got the train there and back again every day, so I could sleep in a proper bed and have a shower. I wanted to see Lacuna Coil last October but DS was only around three months old, so I couldn't take him with me, nor could I have left him that long, even though there are people who would have babysat for me.

Because that’s where the concert / gig / festival you want to go to is?

No different from travelling to do anything else, really. Why travel to a museum or gallery when there are virtual exhibitions online? Why go and see the Olympics or a football match when it’s shown on TV?

You must lead a very small life.

I wouldn’t go to any of those while I had a child or close family member in hospital, however. But otherwise, why not!

i havent rtft but"

maybe you should sundown and others-he doesnt support op he doesnt do appts therapy nothing-he thinks everyones overreacting

he wouldnt even pick op up from her own operation as he was too busy

thats not supportive thats a selfish twat

Oh stop feeding the incels. They are SO obvious and love the attention. Sad sacks they are. 😇

I'm changing my mind.

I was one who just thought he took you at your word and went, with your suspicion of autism being that he would take things literally and possibly needed a stress break.

But that he didn't check in frequently and hasn't participated in her ongoing care shows he's just an asshole who wanted to have a good time. It shows such a lack of involvement with his family that I don't know if I could see past that. And I told my husband to go to a festival when I was in the hospital but I was stable and he'd been carrying a full load plus.

Is this the last straw for you?

I'm glad to hear you guys are having a decent weekend.

I think you need to as yourself if he’s not just another stereotypical narcissistic fuckwit who hides behind “stress” or “anxiety” when faced with consequences. Perhaps your DD’s ED is linked to the fucked up dynamics in your home. I bet you’ve been trying to appease this jerk of a man and trying to kick into his ever moving emotional goal posts all her life. I bet she has too. Leave him.

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff No different from travelling to do anything else, really. Why travel to a museum or gallery when there are virtual exhibitions online? Why go and see the Olympics or a football match when it’s shown on TV?

Because it's expensive. Sorry, I don't earn a mumsnet salary.

You must lead a very small life.

Thanks.

I go to Download festival every year. I don’t do/have much for myself so this is the one thing I do for me. I buy my ticket as soon as they come out and look forward to it all year
If DS was in hospital I’d be really torn but he does have another parent……but, would I enjoy myself??
However…. Your DH doesn’t have a ticket and it was a spur of the moment decision. So in this case he was an arse!!

I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way).

He's autistic and he took you at your word because presumably he doesn't know how to read between the lines.

Also, lack of empathy can be an autism indicator.

So, while it's of course reasonable to most people to realise that they should put family first, he is not wired quite the same and you probably need to understand how he ticks - and how to communicate with him - because otherwise you have years of frustration ahead of you.

You could try and find a couples a counsellor who specialises in neurodivergence, if such a person exists.

(Realise this doesn't help today's problem, and I hope DD gets the treatment she needs, but worth thinking about the wider issue, going forward.)

I'm neurodiverse and the running joke in my family is I was born with too much empathy so ND doesn't mean lack of empathy. However for some, it does mean a black and white view of the world. When he said 'I can't go' and you said 'up to you' in what was a jokey way for you, he might not have taken that as a joke. He might need a more direct communication style. Personally I'd have said well obviously not as our child is in hospital.

This in absolutely no way excuses him for abandoning you both while your DD is in hospital and I think he sounds like an absolute arsehole. I lost my little sister to ED so I completely get how horrible the disease is and I really hope your daughter is OK and makes a full recovery.

I genuinely think so many parents have no idea how clearly children and teen see exactly who their parents are, despite often not saying much.

Your children see it OP.
Well done for acknowledging what they can clearly see for themselves.

They know, it is much better that they aren't confused by you just being accepting of so little.

You would hate for any of your children to end up with such a selfish partner.

Please tell us you are planning to leave him again OP?

I had an ex like him but I only stuck it for four years.

My Mum got cancer and I stayed at home to nurse her. He asked me to go over to his one night and I said no as Mum was so unwell. He told me to stay away for ever in that case and then was stunned when I did.

I waited til he went to work and fetched my stuff from his about three months after Mum died. I had two letters from him begging me to go back but I didn't even answer them. He's still single a decade later. Can't think why.

I could write a book on his 'empathy chip missing' personality and the things he used to do. I'm so glad I had the strength to leave him. It had all crept on so slowly, I hadn't realised the extent of it until afterwards

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I can only imagine the stress and heartache you feel for your DD, and for yourself.

You mentioned your DH having a kind of overly 'oh everything will be fine' attitude. I wondered if he's this way about everyone else's problems and worries, but when it's something that's a problem for him, suddenly it actually is a real problem? As that would really fit with narcissism, where no one else is ever allowed to be as important as the narcissist, and anything that draws attention to others (including problems) irritates the narcissist so they'd rather just brush them off.

I also agree with PPs who have talked about how your DD could be impacted by her dad's attitude and behaviour. My dad was nowhere near as selfish and neglectful as your DH, but he was uninvolved and fairly uninterested in my life growing up, and I still struggle with the need for male approval- I've made a lot of progress but it screwed me up a fair bit when I was a teenager/early twenties. It must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting to see your DH behave this way and worry about the effect it could have.

But, as others have said, you can stand up for her, as you have been doing. My mum didn't do anything to assuage the damage my dad did, but you absolutely can and it will make all the difference to your DD. You can keep doing all you can to let her know her worth.

All the best to you.

How we know husband is competent enough to comprehend he was shirking his responsibilities:

1. he asked for permission, so he already knew it was wrong to go
2. he decided, all by his little ole lonesome that "up to you" meant he had permission
3. then he refused all calls and did not initiate any contact
4. if he believed he was in the right to go, he would have taken calls and initiated calls
5. his son has developed a deeply concerning habit of excusing his behavior which also indicates husband might withhold affection if anyone holds him accountable

If he is so incapacitated as to not be able to comprehend right from wrong when his own child is hospitalized then he is not competent to ride public transportation alone, or go anywhere alone for that matter, have a bank account, nor sign a contract.

My best guess is that he's an adult male who is not attached to his family and does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He doesn't care about them. His son has written himself a fantasy about him. It's really sad but I doubt it has anything to do with his autism. There are millions of men who don't have autism who pull these same stunts.

If i told my daughter "yes go if you want" she would see that as me giving permission.
She's 20 and autistic
Having 3 people in my life with autism I have to be very clear with what I'm wanting from them, no hinting, no passive aggressive chatter just upfront blunt answers to questions so there's no grey areas

I could understand it if he wanted to go to say, Bloodstock festival, but not Glastonbury.

OP, sometimes I think they are genuinely from a different planet. Mine has a lack of empathy often. For example, if one of the children fell off something, bumped their head quite badly and we were told to watch for concussion or something, DH would just go to bed and say "he'll be fine!" whereas I will be up the entire night checking him. He doesn't seem to have the same priorities as me. I think its a mum thing, we usually have an in built sense of how our children are and what they need. If your DH is possibly autistic, it could be that he has taken you literally! I have a child who is not diagnosed but is obviously on the spectrum, but is very intelligent and high functioning. He takes everything literally though, so we can't say something like "just go if you want, its up to you" because he would never see a joke in that and would see it as he had been told he could...
Your poor daughter though, hope she is okay!

You know why he didn't call or pick up the phone? Because he didn't want to interrupt what he was doing. That's not autism, that's a*h**ism.

Jesus do you not think this has already been said in 30 pages?

Get the locks changed before he gets home, if he has taken your car, report it stolen

That's your lesson. You told him it was up to him whether he went - and he did. If a similar situation arises in the future state clearly what you want him to do - not give him a cop-out.

Sorry your going through this! In my opinion he should of absolutely not have gone! Is he actually for real! His child is in hospital unwell and he headed of to glastonbury! Hes her dad he should be there for her and also for you if he was any good! There's no excuse for this! (Autisic or not) Hope you get clarity! X

@PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto

His DD is ILL and the mother fucker hasn't even asked about her!

I love music but I am also a good parent and my child comes before any gig, any festival, any event.

To fuck off and not even check in to see how she is is utterly shit parenting.

If I were OP his bags would already be packed and on the lawn.

I couldn't forgive this.
He doesn't have autistic traits. He has self centred bastard traits.

"He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”"

If he's got no empathy for you or your DC... he's not a good dad.. its just generally he's not called on to step up.
I agree with other pps that he definitely had a ticket (you can't get in under a fence anymore) and has lied about it.

It does make a difference whether he's there or not (well maybe not him, but a functioning parent) it makes a differernce to you and your DD and your other DS at home to know that you are all supporting each other, making it just that little bit easier.
But effectively he doesn't seem to want to know or care about how your DD is.
The posting of pics under these circumstances, expecting likes for how cool he is, is disgusting.

DO NOT let him use the You told me to go so this is all your fault argument. You didn't say of course you mustnt miss Glasto.
What you said was I'm not going to stop you ... and if your conscience allows you.
Well his conscience did allow him. And that is on him. Not you. He cannot go around saying you urged him to go.

He's awful.

I hope your DD is recovering and that you are feeling better yourself. You could have done without this shit. Your DD is lucky that she has a caring Mum who will fight her corner and help her get well. You will get there. Keep faith in yourself and don't let his shit behaviour derail you x