WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I'm so very sorry you're going through this,so understandably worried about your dear daughter etc virtually on your own
Please don't presume for 1moment, you're being the slightest unreasonable
I'd be absolutely devastated & heartbroken
Experienced similar coldness when my eldest dear Child was just a baby, from father, so empathise completely & wholeheartedly
Please also don't permit Autism to be a reason for dismissive disregard
I'm on the autistic spectrum & find even the very thought of not being present for my Beloved Children, absolutely abhorrent & unthinkable
Especially when unwell
God Bless You&Yours

Yes Completely Concur With You
Dear original commenter shouldn't need to spell it out to him
Or beg him, he should just know, it's the right decision to be there for their dear daughter
She's permitted some sarcasm in such immensely sensitive circumstances too🙏

Chuck him out he’s always going to o be selfish

So I guess I'm the only autistic person on the thread who thinks he's an asshole and that of course he knew he shouldn't go. All these 'But how was he to know? You said he could go!' responses are kind of infuriating, and I'm as autistic as they come.

Seriously? Come on, now. He knew. He just didn't care enough to stay.

That’s really going to help her daughter 🙄

Your husband is a twat. That is all

Narcissistic, egotistical, grandiose, amoral.

Sounds like a psychopath to me. I don't mean he is planning to eat your liver with beans and a nice chianti. He will simply never 'get it'. He will tread on you/your DCs to get to what he wants.

You/your DCs are just his audience. Your DD's illness is distracting attention away from him.

OP honestly if it is so bad your children are noticing you need to leave. It's not just about this appalling treatment of you but selfishness towards his DC. I'd pack his bags and at least make him stay somewhere else for a while. You need to see what life is like without him around to give you the push to make the separation permanent. Get his stuff packed and have it ready for him to collect when he gets back. I don't think I'd be able to forgive this behaviour at all.

Well, you did tell him he could go, he probably took it that you were ok with him going.
If you suspect that he might be on the spectrum, then perhaps you should always say exactly what you mean/want and don't expect him to read the room, or work out what you actually mean.
Your disappointment is totally understandable, you should both be sharing the responsibility for caring for your daughter. And he certainly shouldn't go off to some muddy farm to mingle with unwashed bodies and miss your anniversary, but he might have thought that you didn't mind him going. When he'd commented that he wouldn't be able to go to Glastonbury, the answer should have been no, his family needed him then, and it's your anniversary weekend.

People keep referring to "his autism" - I was under the impression he doesn't have a diagnosis and it's simply the OP'S suggestion he might be autistic.

Am I wrong?

No, I don't think you are wrong. I think the OP suggested it as a possible explanation for her DH's appalling behaviour.

The truth is that her DH is indifferent to his family except when he perceives benefit to himself.

OPs DH has entered the chat

He absolutely has. The dc should be ‘grateful’ he is an absolute tosser and has put a festival before his own child according to him. This post made my blood boil. How can you defend the indefensible.

When is he due back OP? Hope you and your daughter are going ok today

I read this on Mumsnet a while ago and feel like it applies to so many posts…….men are basically quite selfish and a bit arrogant by nature, and deep down they think they are superior to women, and the head of the household.

At the end of the day, men do whatever the fuck they want, no matter what the effect is on anyone else.

Yes, this is so true. Living it now myself, so much so that am seriously thinking about getting a divorce in my old age, after decades of marriage.

ETA: I’m sorry, @Hopetheportaloosareminging, I’ve nothing to add to what others have said to you about your husband. I really do wish your daughter a good recovery and I hope you are all doing well together at home.

The ‘you told me I could go’ line is teenager talk.
And yes parents with a sick child need respite but it needs to be fair, arranged and agreed by both. It’s not sodding off to Glastonbury.
A therapist asked me this once when I was in a terrible state, different predicament -
What would happen if you dropped dead today?
It was to remind me that my role in life wasn’t just looking after someone else, at a huge cost to myself. I am not wishing it on you, of course it’s not about that, but what would he do if he had to parent alone?
He would have to cope. He would have to get on with it.
I couldn’t be married to him, OP. It’s no kind of life.

Whilst he’s away I would have a frank chat with the older kids. Ask them how they would feel if you and Dad split up. Tell them how disappointed you are that he’s gone to Glastonbury with everything that’s going on with your DD. See what they say, you’ve found it easier without him and they seem to think he’s a bit of a dick too. I can’t see what you’re getting out of the relationship. He seems to drag you down. He reminds me of the husband from Motherland who is never seen because he’s always at a stag do or football match. It’s like looking after another kid.

He definitely had tickets all along. No one just blags their way in to Glastonbury, not unless you’re Ronnie Wood or Kate Moss.

Yes I believe it’s like Fort Knox now to break into G with their own ‘jails’ for offenders.. to break in to hear thousands of middle class kids with their £300 tickets cheer Corbyn on that they build bridges not walls 🙄 Only metaphorically of course, and now they cheer support for perpetrators of those that murdered raped and tortured the young like them at a music festival.. and a massive heat wave. Such hellish irony.
I hope your daughter is ok. And in future don’t try to guilt trip him. Just say. Don’t be silly. Grow up.
If you are scared he will leave you if you state the obvious don’t be.

Very calmly.
Just that you think its best he lives elsewhere.
Reassure them that everything will be fine, they can see him when they like, but that you think it would be best.

Fxxking loser.

He doesn’t even qualify as a parent of a sick child. He doesn’t need respite from doing absolutely fucking nothing for his sick child. He didn’t even message while away to see how she was. He couldn’t give them a ride to the hospital last week, he was ‘too busy’. He’s just a big fucking waste of space and effort.

@Codlingmoths I agree. I only mentioned respite as it’s been mentioned by other posters. That would be if both parents share caring duties. The parent who deserves respite here is the OP. She doesn’t get a moment of it.

There’s no way he went to Glastonbury without a ticket or camper van pass. Not only is he a selfish cunt, he’s also a complete liar.

I agree. And having to listen to all these bullshit stories over and over again would drive me absolutely insane. Sounds like a typical boring man who desperately wants to sound cool and spontaneous.

I really hope your daughter makes a good recovery, OP.

Surely everyone at Glastonbury has to wear a wristband? If he's slithered under a hedge (ffs how could you fancy him again after hearing that was his plan?) then he wouldn't have a wristband and would be easily identifiable as someone who's there without paying.

Do you have a shared account? Have you checked to see whether a payment went out for the ticket or as a bank transfer to his friend?